Mister Faded Glory | misterfadedglory.com

I keep telling you, there's no such thing as unnecessary White Sox hatred.

Bill’s Twitter feed reports he’s driving to Miami, so in his absence his editors conveniently cherry-picked several readers’ poor imitations of Bill responses to his “Most Tortured Teams” list from last Friday. Of course, Bill chose the Cubs No. 1, and of course, that’s totally justified. You can argue, I suppose, but it’s justified. It doesn’t matter if they’re more popular than your sorry team, we Cubs fans are tortured. Believe it or not.

However, the editors chose to run only with the dissident White Sox fan mantra; the “look at me” little-brother inferiority complex that theorizes, time and again, stuff like:

“Full disclosure: I’m a White Sox fan. I’ve lived around Cubs fans my whole life, and lemme tell ya something — Cubs fans are NOT tortured. First off, they aren’t even baseball fans. They care more about being at Wrigley and remembering where they parked their BMWs.”
- JB, Munster, Ind.

Oh, Cubs fans are all rich. Right. After all, that’s why I blog! Somebody tell me, but we’re probably yuppies, too, yes?

“Only one team had a “curse” everyone knew about and tons of yuppie fans signing up to hop on the failure bandwagon. … It’s romantic to go to the North Side and drink beer with rich white people and watch crappy baseball. There is so much “history and ambiance.” It’s a great way to feel like the common man, even though you paid $80 for a bleacher ticket.”

- Brent L., Chicago

Well, thanks, Brent L. It’s true. I never heard of baseball until I followed some dreamboat preppie to Wrigley. He looked just like Zack Morris. Next thing you know, Brent L., you’ll be telling me the 2005 title didn’t have an effect on Chicago.

“What do you think hurts more, suffering along with a cast of thousands in book and song, or getting spit on while you lose? The sick thing is that I’m still scarred, and we got our title.”

- Brent L, again.

Oh, poor you. Your team won a World Series and you can’t enjoy it. You’re right, it’s the fucking Cubs’ fault.

“Plus they wear their failure like a badge of courage, as if choosing this lifestyle makes them noble.”

- Mike K., NY

You know what, Mike fucking K? We don’t. We don’t want any points for nobility. We don’t love losing. We want our team to win the World Series every year, the pennant every year, and every single game. Just like you.

Sure, it’s just as sillly of me to cherry-pick quotes from Sox fan emails, as it was of ESPN editors, who chose only these columns, all White Sox responses. All predictable and annoying.

But honestly, surely a Cardinals fan wrote in and lambasted Cubs nation? (Assuming they could read. HA.) Surely some other city feels worse than the Cubs, worse enough to bag on the North Siders. I mean, the Mariners have never won anything. Ever.

But nope, some editor selected only bitter White Sox fan emails, lumping all Cubs fans into a pot of yuppie. Well, those generalizations are hopelessly played. You wouldn’t expect me to say stuff like, “all Sox fans are meth-addicts who live in trailers outside the Cell. With no day job, it’s easy to obsess about a team that isn’t your own. And no, stealing aluminum pipes doesn’t count as a day job.”

And I would never say that.

Speaking of the Cubs and Red Sox, our friend Joe Posnanski offered a quick shout-out to esteemed Boston GM Theo Epstein. Poz rightfully lauded Epstein’s front-office philosophy on RBIs, which the Boston GM highlighted in a radio interview defending J.D. Drew.

“Sometimes you get stuck in the world of evaluating players through home runs and RBIs. … And if you look at underlying performance of a lot of our guys, they bring more to the table than just the counting stats. … J.D.’s certainly having another good year for us … He’s up around a .900 OPS right now …
Based on his skill set, he’s always going to have underwhelming RBI totals. I couldn’t care less. When you’re putting together a winning team, that honestly doesn’t matter. When you have a player who takes a ton of walks, who doesn’t put the ball in play at an above average rate, and is a certain type of hitter, he’s not going to drive in a lot of runs. Runs scored, you couldn’t be more wrong. If you look at a rate basis, J.D. scores a ton of runs.”
“And the reason he scores a ton of runs is because he does the single most important thing you can do in baseball as an offensive player. And that’s NOT MAKE OUTS.
(Via Posnanski, Emphasis is Joe’s.)

I just want to point out that I agree totally with this logic. Have for quite some time. And in fact, it’s exactly the logic much of literate Cub nation called for in offseason acquisition and planning.

And it’s exactly the logic that we used, during three years of urging the Cubs to sign Milton Bradley. We heartily endorsed this move. We begged for it. We celebrated it.

And we couldn’t have been more wrong.

So it turns out there is a place for chemistry, intangibles, clutch, role play, and even traditional statistics in player evaluation, despite what Theo (or Joe) or legions of SABR members would have us believe.

As a test case, we urge the Sawx or Royals to trade for Milton Bradley this offseason. Prove us wrong. He’ll be cheap.

On the flip side, Milton Bradley may actually be the exception that proves the effectiveness of OBP lineup-creation. At least, we hope the Cubs give it another shot. (No, not with Adam Dunn, smart guy.)

I doubt I can put together a decent Cubs epitaph anytime soon. Maybe later. Maybe never. (We’re still waiting for a 4-0 Colts preview, by the way. Um, guess they’re good. The Gonzalez injury is actually a blessing in disguise. Fin.)

But suffice it to say, Chicago and national media may now gleefully begin AutoTexting typical, tired 101-years-and-counting storyline. For crying out loud, we get it. The Seattle Mariners have never won. Go bother them. If the Cubs had won it all in the last few years, I’d still be disgustipated at this stupid season.

I digress. Recently, I was in Atlanta for a business conference (Believe it or not, this blog does not sustain my income) and I had the chance – or misfortune – to discuss baseball over a quick dinner with an unfamiliar cohort hailing from New England, a lifelong fan of the Red Sox.

You know, the Sawx. A punch line for so many years, frustrated with the Yankees’ shadow, unable to break through, torturing their fans, until finally reaching pay dirt in 2004, and extending Cleveland’s misery in 2007. No longer lovable, the Sawx now feature the most obnoxious, emboldened fans in all of sport. It wasn’t so long ago their 86-year stretch rivaled the Cubs’ 95-year failure string.

Between bites of a burger and a baseball discussion, my newfound Boston friend actually said this:

“You know, I just don’t think the Cubs will ever do it.”

Instead of replying “Fuck you with a shovel,” I reminded him that only a few years ago, we toiled in near-misses as brethren. Legions of Sox fans and tormenters whined and whined that history would never be conquered. Dan Schaughnessy wrote 7 books.

Really, sir? You are FROM BOSTON. You, of all people, should know what this is like.

Their burgeoning fan base has forgotten all the torment – and callously peers down their noses at Cub fans, Indian fans, Giant fans. I’m loathe to embrace any Midwestern inferiority complex, but, for crying out loud, what an asshole thing to say.

But it’s not his fault. He is who he is. A dipshit Red Sox fan. I firmly reminded him that luck lasts however long, and eventually we’ll get it right, just like they did. Keep knocking on the door, and you’ll eventually get in. However, as a Red Sox fan, I’m sure this message fell deafly. BECAUSE THEY’VE BEEN AWESOME FOREVER.

That’s why, as we enter a horrific baseball postseason (I’ve already punched some douchebag shouting ‘Rocktober!’), the Red Sox are officially anointed as TEAM NON GRATA. We want them obliterated, we want them gone, we want them destroyed. We want their bandwagon fans, now sporting pink “B” hats, to quickly switch to the familiar “NY.” Though we cheered for the Sox’s landmark comeback in 2004 against New York – now we will root for the Yankees to slaughter them. Fuck their fans, fuck the Patriots, and fuck all of New England and the “Nation.”

Although – it does give hope. Really, will I forget years of frustration after the Cubs win it all? Will I be granted the latitude to scoff at other fans?

Er… don’t answer that.

Kevin Gregg or Mel Rojas, Cubs fans?

You pick. Now we’re done.

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Remember the halcyon days of, uh, Monday, when I wrote this tempered column, warning us Cub fans not to panic or become infuriated?

Even I didn’t foresee the worst three games of the season. Harden losing a no-hitter, then the game blown by a wild Marmol on Monday. Jeff Samardzija proving to be a massive head case/bust/douchebag on Tuesday, during a national media slobberfest over Pedro Martinez‘ return. And the predictable shellacking by Cliff Lee and Ryan Howard today (and semi-predictable meltdown of Ryan Dempster.).

Suddenly the Cubs are dead team walking; never mind that the Cardinals play the sisters of the poor for the next two weeks. A scorching September might still be enough for the postseason, but really, without Zambrano, Lilly, and/or Ramirez, the Cubs are toast.

All over the web, you can find Cubs fans demanding the team blow up the roster and start all over as soon as 2010. Poppycock. Bad luck and injuries hit this year, but through the last three seasons, this collection of talent has been pretty good, albeit unlucky in October’s crapshoot. Next year we’ll have a few contract years and additions and et cetera, and maybe Soriano will bring a lighter bat and we’ll turn out OK.

But it’s never easy; it won’t ever be easy, and our hate boils for another offseason. Thanks for playing, Rich Harden, Reed Johnson, Kevin Gregg, and other soon-to-be-departeds. Thanks for nothing, cadre-of-suck-at-second-base.

Maybe next year, the perfect storm of injury and slump (See, e.g. Soriano, Alfonso, and Soto, Geovany) will have passed, and we can get back to business as usual.

Until then, we’ll turn to the Colts, who prep for their first preseason game tonight, and have no similar injury concerns as … uh … what?

Sigh.

Don’t bother rolling your eyes, I’m basically trying to calm myself.

Actually, I’m not that desperate, even though we’re all frustrated with the latest pathetic showing in Colorado.

A full third of the season remains, and there’s no point in overreacting. But it’s easy to look up at the Cardinals in the division, look up at the Rockies and Giants in the Wild Card, look at the ever-growing injury ward, and wonder how the hell we’re going to make up three games?

After the Cubs leave Denver tonight (Thanks for the fucking late-night Getaway Game, Denver. Can’t sell out a day game. Jerks.) they will have been soundly housed by the Rockies. Beaten, battered, embarrassed and flummoxed by a team that’s improbably impossible to get out. Add to that two-fifths of our starting rotation becoming injured, and star player Aramis Ramirez heading for the bench, and it seems like trouble. Not a good series.

What’s worse, the Cardinals currently ride the crest of their schedule, facing the Pirates, Reds, Padres, and only the Dodgers over their next 20 games. I shouldn’t remind you that we face Philly next, the Dodgers next week, and the Giants after that. As much valleys as the Cubs have discovered this season, three games feels like a canyon.

But it’s not. It’s frustrating, but it’s elastic. The Cubs can make it up With Ryan Theriot and Kosuke Fukudome the only players untouched by the injury bug all season, Derrek Lee hooked up to the rejuvenation machine, and Milton Bradley finally showing signs of breaking out of his Cub-slump, the Cubs continue to battle and hang in the race. During the meat of Chicago’s schedule and the potatoes of Saint Louis’, the gaps are bound to bend. AFter August 31, we may still be looking up at the Deadbirds; but we’ll still be in it.

And I suppose it’s tribute to the Cubs that they’ve hung in the race and separated from the Central with all these injuries and unsolved age-33 slumps and everything. No, this team isn’t all that great without Aramis, and no, the rotation isn’t imposing at all without Zambrano and Lilly. But no, they’re not out of it yet, not even against Philadelphia, not even with skittish Jeff Samardjiza starting Wednesday.

And so, no, the sky is not falling.

Although, strangely enough, the Cubs have turned into dead-team-walking ever since we joined Twitter. Just pointing that out. (Gulp.)

Great call from Pat Hughes on the game-winning hit. And possibly the first time the Cubs ever have gotten to Chris Sampson.

So how does the season feel now, Mister Faded Glory?

We’ll keep you posted.

I mean, after all, the Cubs put the finishing touches on a four-game sweep, now sit at four games over .500, and are still painfully close to the Central lead in the loss column.

But it was the Nationals. And in addition to dreadful home red jerseys, Washington actually has an outside shot at finishing up as the worst team of all time. These guys have won 26 games! Holy cow! How is no one talking about this?

Still, the Cubs played with a poise and confidence – or at least feigned interest – that we haven’t really seen in quite some time. Alfonso Soriano began smacking pitches the opposite way, and actually had a good series. Derrek Lee and Ryan Theriot continued to be consistent. Aramis Ramirez looked better. Koyie Hill gunned down runners left and right. Adam Dunn didn’t hit 10 homers against us.

Carlos Marmol lived on the edge, but survived. Kevin Gregg looked sharp. Aaron Heilman pitched efficiently.

But, again, it was the Nationals. The Cubs now head to Philly, to face the class of the NL. If they return home with a 5-2 road trip, I’ll be happy. And as tired refrains reminded us, the 2003 division champs were 43-43 at the break, and the 2007 champs were 44-43 at the break. The difference, however, appears in the on-field product. This weekend was the first time we detected more than a flickering pulse.

Maybe this .500 team just wants to keep us interested and fail cruelly. But guess what? I don’t care. Let them. As you looked across the field at the Nationals’ dugout, the alternative could be much, much worse.

Go Cubs – rise to the challenge in Philly tomorrow. And we’ll see.

(Since you didn’t ask, the blog isn’t broken. I just was being funny. My current project is a short story for a national contest, so posts during the remainder of July may be sparse. If I don’t win, I’ll publish the story here.)

Yesterday I briefly mentioned the idiocy of Cubs fans and writers in passing. Now here it is, confirmed, incontrovertible.

Fifty-seven percent of Cubs fans (well, those reading the Tribune and voting in a mind-numbing poll, anyway) would agree with the Cubs placing Carlos Zambrano on waivers, presumably to say goodbye.

57 percent. The Tribune follows the Boston media-copyright blueprint of running talent out of town (e.g., Manny Ramirez), and 57 percent of Cubs fans concur.

Instead of shipping out a once-in-a-generation pitcher, however, could we ship this 57 percent of Cubs voters to a different allegiance? Say, the White Sox? Maybe the Brewers?

How is that for cutting-edge analysis? I can’t explain the 2009 Cubs. Quite honestly, I grow weary contemplating the problems.

Apparently every player who had banner 2007 and 2008 seasons regressed not only to some sort of mean, but a sinkhole. Apparently all those comeback wins the Cubs had during their two division title seasons are being repaid, painfully, day in and day out. And apparently the response to being dominated by Derek Lowe in last season’s playoffs should have been to, er, sign Derek Lowe.

It’s a rough time to be a fan. The Cubs look listless. They look like they don’t care. Whether or not they are, I can’t say. Probably not. But they now reap what their meager offense has sown – gut-reaction vitriol spewed from the core of fan, media, blogger, and city angst.

The media and ornery fan base have been enduring for a long time, seemingly ready to pounce since October: Waive Zambrano, wake up Lou, fire Hendry, deport Bradley, etc., etc. None of them is right, and all of them are correct, but they aren’t, really, and the whole thing is exhausting.

Sure, it’s easy now to look at the off-season and pillory Jim Hendry. He tweaked a solid contender that somehow fell apart against L.A. But we’d been pining for Bradley for years – his signing was an accurate response to Fukudome’s 2008 failures. As for trading DeRosa, sure, it wasn’t popular, but it was supposed to net Jake Peavy. Looking at Fontenot’s splits, the rationale even seemed somewhat justified. And it was – if the core of the lineup produced. Or if DeRosa’s intangibles really weren’t important.

As for Heilman and Miles and Marquis and Vizcaino; who knows? They all suck, in various forms here and there. But those are spare parts, anyway. Gaudin just pitched a 1-hitter last night – should they have kept him? But the starting rotation is the best in the majors – with any semblance of clutch hitting or on-base percentage, the Cubs would be just fine. How can we blame Hendry, or Lou, or Larry Rothschild, or even Gerald Perry for that? More importantly, it’s all in the recent past. And how long (and how vehemently) do we wait for the light to turn on? The luck to even out?

Baseball is a funny game. Funny kind of like the most squirm-inducing episodes of The Wonder Years or The Office. Funny like plummeting into an open sewer. This season, for whatever reason, injuries and repeated failure and blow-ups and mistakes have coalesced for the Cubs – and it just might be that they never get on track.

This is life for Cubs fans; for all baseball fans. During 2007 and 2008 we spent all season wondering when the bottom would drop out, despite nary a sign that it would. (It did; but the playoffs are crapshoots, always.) During 2009, we stupidly yearn for the bell to ding, and a team to flip the switch, absolutely certain at some point they’ll break out of their concurrent slumps – despite no sign it will happen. Not one.

Which is more dumb? And honestly, should we even care?