Yo, I’m only gonna say this once.
These recaps? These Franklin & Bash recaps that celebrate the silliness of our TV obsession, bro culture, and courtroom procedures? These are for sale, son.
I know, I know. Franklin and Bash have their own problems staying true to their party-dog roots while reinventing the corporate world. (NOTE: More margarita machines in the cafeteria, K-thanks.) But I got no problem selling out. I’m not on a mission to civilize. I’m on a mission to fraternize. Bring me on.
Maybe your media site doesn’t have a brash Franklin & Bash recap with tongue in full cheek. But it can, player. I’ve been writing these bro-tastic recaps since Franklin & Bash ever started; and not all Franklin & Bash bloggers been covering Franklin & Bash since the beginning of Franklin & Bash. For real. And virtually none of them repeatedly compare Breckin Meyer to a smug housecat named Franklin. Ha! Classic Hanley. That’s his move.
I’m not sayin’. I’m just sayin’. Selling out ain’t a problem. Need some cheap laughs or breezy commentary to flesh out your summer recap schedule? I’ll work. I’ll play. Hit me up, I’m on Twitter right here.
This week? Two babes get jammed up in the man’s military! Oh, man, how Franklin and Bash gonna play this? Can they get two female cadets off? VERDICT: No doubt, son.
No doubt. Check the docket, after the jump, for totes laughter.
FRANKLIN & BASH REFERENCES (7: Officers, Jared, Carmen, 2; Pindar, Hannah, Reed Diamond). In fact, the show opened with this stunning, Sorkinesque exchange:
- Carmen. “[This package] is addressed to Franklin and Bash!”
- Pindar. “We’re not Franklin and Bash!”
- Carmen. “Yeah, but we work for Franklin and Bash!”
I’d like to tell you this was a harbinger of a great episode, and not simply the highlight. I’d like to tell you that.
COURTROOM MINUTES (14). Not real courtroom minutes. Military courtroom minutes. Which means either:
- (a) Franklin & Bash intend to send up “A Few Good Men.”
- (b) Several “A Few Good Men” references will churn up throughout the episode.
- (c) Franklin & Bash are going to basic training
COLUMNIST RETRACTIONS (1): Earlier, I called Pindar and Carmen’s snappy exchange “Sorkinesque.” I’d like to retract that. Were it actually Sorkinesque, the dialogue would have gone on for four more pages, each character talking over or restating his counterpart’s last line, in speech mannerisms no one has time to use in real life. Don’t blame me for being harsh, I’m on a mission to civilize.
POP CULTURE REFERENCES (12), Officer and a Gentlemen, Richard Gere, Debra Winger, Joe Cocker, Village People, Patton, Jake Ryan, 16 Candles, Jack Ryan, Harrison Ford, one stonefaced line reading of “We’re not in Kansas anymore!” and…
B-LIST GUEST STARS (1). None, unless you count the guy who played Elliot’s jerky boyfriend Jake on two episodes of Scrubs in season four. AND WE DO. Worth noting: Bash apparently has the same problems with Jake that J.D. had. Way to go, newbie.
TIME ELAPSED BEFORE “A FEW GOOD MEN” REFERENCE (0:37) Jared: “Are you trying to trick me into saying ‘Did you order the code red?’”
MUSICAL DEPARTURES (ONGOING). “Yes, this is Steve Producer, the Franklin & Bash producer of Franklin & Bash. Can you get me a trumpet, snare drum and a french horn for our “Franklin & Bash join the navy” episode of Franklin & Bash? Franklin & Bash thanks you for supporting Franklin & Bash.”
McDOWELL GROWL (13) Jack the Ripper, Farrell, Share the burden, real estate lawr, guidance, hero, terminate, personal, wing commander, Falklands, bleeding heart.
PERSONAL FOUL (1, Bash): “We’re your attorneys. You can just call us “Peter and Jared.” THAT IS NOT HOW SELF-AWARE IRONY WORKS, COUNSELOR.
AFTERNOON LOG, ACTIVITY CHOICES (1). “So, Bash. What’s our strategy here? Should we maybe interview our clients for the first time ever so we have a basic idea of what maybe really happened? Or should we go to the gun range and blast civilian targets and we’ll just argue selective prosecution of dames?”
REED DIAMOND CREEP ALERT (THREAT LEVEL: ORANGE): Tell you this, homes. Reed Diamond may be the stuffy real-estate guy at the firm who is ALL BUSINESS. But when business means banging a stripper who’s now a summer associate? Brother, you better believe that he ain’t having that. Besides, no way is Reed gonna be caught dead with a smoking summer intern from USC, that is disgusting and creepy and he’ll stick with banging Peter’s mom Jane Seymour, thank you very much.
HOW MILITARY COURT IS DIFFERENT THAN REAL-GUY COURT (4). Well, first of all, big diff, the courtroom is wood-paneled with green trim. Bro, we are not in Kansas anymore. Second of all, the navy has no time for opening statements, Franklin, so just start with your surprise evidence already. Third of all, just like in real court, there’s no discovery, because Franklin and Bash weren’t aware of this one motion from Jake from Scrubs. Scratch that, that’s just like every week in real court, NM NBD. But then they like don’t even argue the motion, they just play the hot-officer beatdown, filmed in multiple angles and perfect lighting in a barroom and totally implicating the defendants. Way to pick a fight in front of a pro camera crew, LADIES. Anyway, then instead of reviewing evidence, Jake and Bash and the audience and the jury are just gonna argue this shit out with no regard for procedure, for real. Check the judge? You better believe HE’LL ALLOW IT.
FAST-FORWARD MINUTES (14) So this week Pindar and Carmen are all freaked because Pindar broke this super-rad violent knife our boys got for Infeld for Christmas or something. Anyways, you know it’s up to Pindar on account of SuperCarmen takes the week off, and he’s gotta drive all the way ‘cross L.A. to get the blade fixed. Wouldn’t you know it, he’s driving way too slow and gets a gun pulled because of racial profiling and then he’s on Death Row with Stanton defending him, only he doesn’t want to explain the knife because it’s a SUPER SECRET KILLER GIFT and then ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ anyway I assume it works out.
OBVIOUS VILLAIN (1). So let’s see, we’re on location at a phony military base in Malibu. Besides our guest-star babe military defendants, alls our budget calls for is extras, a jag-off prosecutor, an uninterested judge,and a rough, old, frosty schoolmarm as colonel. CAN FRANKLIN AND BASH CRACK THIS NUT?!
CONFERENCE PARTY ALARM (4-alarm): No commune for this week’s party, babe. Pete and Jared hosting a conference room summer-intern mixer that is OFF THE HOOK. These must get tiring, because it’s an entirely new summer crop of interns this week. FRESH MEAT, BRO. I mean, where the hell is Chad?
FAST-FORWARD MINUTES, PART TWO (8): So Reed Diamond is totally creeping on a stripper lawyer who caught him looking one time, but big surprise, she’s into it. Anyway, Reed can’t act on this because he (a) has no game, son, and (2) she works with him and OMG bad idea jeans, right gang? If they act on this, they gotta keep it secret. So they bang in a parked car in public. Way to keep the relationship on the down-low, you two. THEN turns out she’s bad at her job so she’s gonna get fired. Problem solved, Reed. But THEN he’s gonna stick his neck out for her. But THEN it turns out she’s actually good at her job. But THEN ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ it all works out in the end.
USES OF WORD “JAG” (4); BONUS USE OF JAG-OFF (1).Ha! Classic Bash. Never disappoints. “Your honor, I refer you to the “Jag-off, excuse me, the JAG officer.”
WOMEN, AMIRITE? (5): “Well, Bash, first there’s that cranky officer who’s totally setting our hot officer defendants up. That’s one. Then, there’s our two defendants, who failed to tell us a key point for their defense YET AGAIN so we didn’t know about it in court. They didn’t think it was relevant, Bash, which makes sense because they’re attorneys and not cardboard cutout characters. Then there’s Hanna, who’s keeping a SUPER SECRET TOP FILE on Franklin and Bash just to get them ousted from the firm, which makes totes sense because Franklin and Bash have never lost a case. Then there’s Carmen, who is like: PINDAR I’M OUT I WON’T HELP YOU, so there’s that, and then that one summer associate bangs Reed Diamond and that’s a crime of OH-NO-YOU-DIDN’T. Bash, this is serious chick-on-chick crime, and it’s up to us to save womanhood and preserve equality in the military.
FRANKLIN & BASH SAVE WOMANHOOD (1): Well, time to wrap this shit with a bow, gnome sayin? Ladies, on account of your buzzkill status and not telling us a key point in your defense, you’re now pawns in our game of going after the Woman Colonel Who Hates Us. Just like A Few Good Men (NOTE: MEN, DUH) we’re gonna trick her up by locking you away and admitting to super secret military perjury and bad stuff, and that’s gonna like, make her cry. So she’ll stand up and admit to her zany bullying scheme and ruin her career but that’s OK because you two get cuffs off and get to be Navy Seals, and we get to teach the entire Navy a valuable lesson about women’s equality. Maybe as a bonus, Hanna will realize the total bitch ways of trying to drum Franklin and Bash outta the firm, and like as a parallel, she’ll destroy the Franklin and Bash file. Case closed, mic dropped and yo, what’s up, Navy! We’re back to L.A. and burgers and a commune party in like four minutes. WE SALUTE YOU.
FRANKLIN & BASH DO NOT SAVE WOMANHOOD (1): Episode title: Summer Girls.
POSSIBLE FRANKLIN & BASH TAGLINE
Jared. “We’re military lawyers now. Warriors.”
WATCH THEM FIGHT LAMENESS, TUESDAYS ON TNT
NOT A POSSIBLE FRANKLIN & BASH TAGLINE
Bash. “Village people did it with a song, we’ll do it in court.”
FRANKLIN AND BASH, TUESDAYS AT 10 ON TNT.
POSSIBLE FRANKLIN & BASH TAGLINE
Jared. “He prefers Mister Bash. He’s kind of stuffy.”
EVERY WEEK, FRANKLIN & BASH, WE KNOW DRAMA, ON TNT.
NEXT WEEK: Episode eight, yo, and big-time gross, looks like Franklin and Bash have to turn on the charm with some cougar who killed a bro and liked human skeletons and we just can’t have that. Guest stars? Quips? Failure to report crucial evidence or fashion a trial defense? PROBS ALL OF IT, son. Gonna be epic. See ya wouldn’t wanna be ya.
- Franklin & Bash, Voir Dire.
- Franklin & Bash, L’Affaire Du Coeur.
- Franklin & Bash, For Those About to Rock.
- Franklin & Bash, Jango & Rossi.
- Franklin & Bash, Viper.
- Franklin & Bash, Strange Brew.
- Franklin & Bash, Pregame.