I swear Tony Kornheiser reads this blog. OK, he doesn’t. But he would appreciate our stance on soccer fans. He would – it mirrors his; not by imitation, just by coincidence.
If he read, he’d likely chortle, yet wonder how this place can be so freaking funny, even though each dispatch comes from (sigh) my mother’s basement. (Ha! My mom doesn’t even have a basement.)
Anyway, Tony’s been frustrated with soccer during the World Cup just like us, with aggravations strikingly similar, increasing his radio show from must-listen to practically appointment tuning.
He thinks the World Cup is exciting, sure, but he’s aggravated at the constant proselytizing by soccer fans. (Sound familiar?) No, not all soccer fans, but you know the type: Those who gleefully exclude anyone from their club, even as they pine for mainstream American approval. You’ve read all this before from me, but Tony’s caterwauling is much better. In fact, I’ve transcribed his best quip from yesterday’s radio show.(link) You really need to listen to appreciate it, but I’m still howling.
Gary Braun (producer, sidekick.) By the way, the soccer fans get mad if you call it [Knock-out round] the Sweet Sixteen, Elite Eight or –
Tony (agitated, shouting, interrupting): Soccer fans get mad get if you say zero or nothing and not nil. Soccer fans get mad if you say the field instead of the pitch. Soccer fans get mad if you say the game instead of match. And soccer fans can LEAVE. THE COUNTRY. as far as I’m concerned. …
Ah, sweet, cathartic perfection. He’s right. Soccer fans escalate from zero to infuriated (sorry, nil to infuriated) in scant seconds should one of us heathens use terminology different from their exclusive colloquialisms.
For me, (and Tony) there’s nothing worse than some phony pseudo-intellectual lecturing you on some manufactured customs that are irrelevant to understand. I like the World Cup. I will eagerly cheer on the U.S. Saturday. But stop assuming any of us appreciative casual fans want to join the counterculture at any level. In two weeks, soccer will be back to a niche sport. Pockets of fans exist everywhere. Nothing is WRONG with that.
As a countermeasure, I’m turning this holier-than-thou soccer attitude on its head. For instance, I’m a basketball fan. And from here on out, I’m going to snidely poke fun and offer only condescension to casual fans who dare to pay attention to my sport and dare further not to appreciate it solely on my terms.
I’m going to lambaste anyone who does not use “deck” as substitute for “court”, “three” as substitute for “small forward,” and “post” as sub for “center.” Please do not call the ball anything but “the rock.” I will also accept “the pill.” And if you refer to the “paint” as the “lane,” or the “window” or “backboard” as “glass,” I will shun your stupid face for eternity. This be law at Mister Faded Glory now, so fall in line, eggheads.
We clear on that? Good. Go U-S-A!
