MFG’s NFL Preview. (See, announcers, we can abbreviate…)

You’ll never get me to admit the content on Mr. Faded Glory is contrived – no, not ever! – even now, as we offer our own futile predictions for the NFL in 2009. I mean, no one else is doing it, right?

Conventional wisdom and past performance always slash through the bevy of NFL writers, a double-edged sword. Some forecasters defend even the slightest variation from a formula to the death (Aaron Schatz), others simply regurgitate the final standings of last season. Still others actively thumb their nose at the status quo, searching for a nugget of gold within contrarian predictions (Michael Silver, Peter King.)

We’re no different, really, from anyone. And we veer toward contrarianism ourselves – because, really, how fun is it to predict the Patriots will once again outlast a mediocre division? Our attempt to balance the conventional and the irreverent begins below, limited to one sentence each. We try, anyway.

NFC East

1. New York Giants. When in doubt, choose the best offensive line in a tough division.
2. Dallas Cowboys.* Not far behind, though the skill players will furrow your brow.
3. Philadelphia Eagles. Just can’t see it all clicking, just as I can’t buy into this McCoy-Maclin-Vick-Jackson hype.
4. Washington. Stop using the racial slur and we’ll talk.

NFC Central

1. Green Bay Packers. Poised to bounce back in a big way, even if the pick has become trendy.
2. Minnesota Vikings.* Ferocious defense, sure, but just imagine this team with a semi-competent head coach. Or semi-competent quarterback.
3. Chicago Bears. I’m not buying Jay Cutler gives them more than 1 extra win; I am buying this defense as a shell of its 2005-2006 self.
4. Detroit Lions. Good enough to steal a win from the Vikings, just you wait.

NFC South

1. New Orleans Saints. Loaded offense, light on defense, we know how this movie ends.
2. Atlanta Falcons. The Falcons will jettison their frenetic unis for the classic black with red helmets sometime in midseason. That’s as excited as anyone can get, right?
3. Tampa Bay Bucs. Over/Under on Josh Freeman seeing the field? Four games. Over/Under on Josh Freeman being cut? Three seasons.
4. Carolina Panthers. John Fox, you’ve been a nice coach, but this run comes to a crashing halt, frustrated skill players left in its wake.

NFC West

1. San Francisco 49ers. Selected here for uniform karma only – the return to the 1980s jerseys earns top of the west.
2. Arizona Cardinals. The loser always falls way off; where have you been?
3. St. Louis Rams. Would be nice if the NFC South and West didn’t exist so two decent playoff teams (Chicago, Philly) could qualify for the dance.
4. Seattle Seahawks. Not buying the regression to the mean upward argument – not with Mora Jr. and not without a semblance of offensive line or defensive secondary.

AFC East

1. Miami Dolphins. Chic – and trite – to predict their free-fall, I actually think the front office and head coach know what they’re doing.
2. New England Patriots. Gleefully, I watch as past defensive tormentors are unceremoniously shipped out. Someday this catches up – I can’t buy the defense, and I can’t buy the O-Line. Also, I can’t buy the playoffs. How do you like them apples?
3. New York Jets. Please.
4. Buffalo Bills. Boring Dick Jauron has coached this snoozer of a team for three seasons prior to Sunday, and I wish this was a joke.

AFC Central

1. Pittsburgh Steelers. The gold standard.
2. Baltimore Ravens.* A not-much-poorer man’s Pittsburgh.
3. Cleveland Browns. How far has Eric Mangini fallen – I still expect Brady Quinn to be a Pro Bowl QB, but the drill-sergeant nonsense may doom them both. Also, the brown pants are terrible.
4. Cincinnati Bengals. No moment says “Bengal” quite like episode 4 of HBO’s Hard Knocks, as Marvin Lewis’ keycard fails to work at the stadium entrance, and the embattled head coach hops the curb and avoids the gate to park his car.

AFC South

1. Indianapolis Colts. In spite of all the articles who urge you to draft stone-handed Anthony Gonzalez for your fantasy team. Good luck with that.
2. Tennessee Titans.* In the NFL’s most competitive division, each of these four walk a tightrope between contention and trouble. When in doubt, choose good coaching…
3. Houston Texans. And we choose Caldwell and Fisher over Gary Kubiak and the Jags bonehead coach. Hey, Matt Schaub is hurt! And ridiculously overrated! Who knew?
4. Jacksonville Jaguars. When does it end for Jack Del Rio? How many suspensions, blown plays, personal-foul penalties, late hits, blown calls and other meatheaded mistakes can finally put an end to football’s most bombastic, overmatched coach? But hey, sometimes he wears a suit, and sometimes he yells. That’s our coach!

AFC West

1. San Diego Chargers. I really fucking hate this team. They just enrage me. Let’s move on.
2. Denver Broncos. The offensive line still is OK, even as everything else careens into mediocrity. Bill Simmons called these guys a sleeper. To be quite honest, I tend to agree. (Gulps.)
3. Oakland Raiders. Luckily, the Broncos and Chargers play in this division.
4. Kansas City Chiefs. Going from a shouting, incompetent, players’ coach boss to a shouting, incompetent, dictatorial boss ain’t gonna get it done.

NFC Playoffs: Giants, Pack, Saints, 49ers, Vikings, Cowboys.

AFC Playoffs: Steelers, Chargers, Colts, Dolphins, Ravens, Titans.

That’s as far as we go. The playoffs are a crapshoot. We’ll see.