/Growls just like Dr. Cox…

First, this is just stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. And you heard it here first – of course Zach Braff will return as the lead. Last I checked, no one is dying to make Garden State 2. This is going to be as pointless as After MASH and as braindead as Joey.

Second of all, Jesus Fucking Christ.

Finally, I detest harping about this; somewhat because I like Bill Simmons and decrying his columns is old hat for thousands of web geeks; but also because I sound like a nag. But, whatever:

Q: …Love Kobe as a player, but not as a person. Here is the difference between LeBron and Kobe. I loved how LeBron got his MVP trophy at his high school, and his whole team showed up. I mean Kobe has a news conference at the practice facility when he won it and only a handful of guys showed! . . . I could see Kobe giving each of his teammates an autographed Bryant No. 24 jersey, saying “Now you can say you played with Kobe Bryant when he was the MVP!”

–Brad D., Huntington Beach

SG: It’s a valid point. … Second, Kobe wasn’t any better or worse of a teammate than Jordan was for the first nine years of his career; read “The Jordan Rules” sometime. You could have written the same exact paragraph for MJ when he won the MVP in 1988 or 1991.

Me again. Bill should have stopped there, because this point is valid. Kobe and MJ are total pricks. Of course, his bulging, crying yearnings won’t allow him to leave Jordan undefended.

Of course, Jordan never pretended to be anything other than he was: a demanding teammate who cared about winning, and that’s it. Even during his last three Chicago seasons, he spent most of his free time playing cards in a hotel suite. His teammates were co-workers, he respected them, and that’s where it ended. Ever since the Gasol trade, Kobe has been trying to perpetuate the image that he’s a supportive teammate and one of the guys and all that crap, and there’s just too much information to the contrary. The one fascinating thing about “Kobe Doin’ Work” was Kobe’s contrived interactions with his teammates; it’s like he was taking us for fools. Watch this, I’m going to talk Italian to Sasha Vujacic. And what’s funny was that his teammates all had a “Wait a second, he never talks to me!” look on their face as soon as he walked away. It was a massive miscalculation of the average NBA fan’s IQ, and digging even further, a blown chance to show people that he’s a ruthless competitor who demands the best from everyone around him. Just like Jordan. . . .

This is so preposterous my blood boils just reading it. Honestly, can Bill dig any further to defend an idol he shouldn’t even have? Did he never see Jordan talk to Bill Wennington or Jud Buechler? Yeah, he totally respected those guys.

Honestly, Jordan is lauded for this competitive edge while Kobe is reviled. This either is evidence of how incessant our sports news cycle has become, or evidence of white fortysomething guys growing starry-eyed while envisioning Jordan’s “competitive edge,” overcompensating for their own lack of “killer instinct.”

Just stop, all of you. You want to argue Jordan is better than Kobe? Fine. I disagree, but that’s cool. You want to argue he’s a better person? Go find someone else.