Another pointless exercise for our filmtastic friends

The glow of Oscar night and movie awards season has fully dissipated, and it’s tough to find the excitement prepping for another trip to Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

Not to fear, however. Great minds still wonder where to plot Slumdog Millionaire among its newfound Best Picture brethren. Is the charming, coincidental joyride a classic like Casablanca or or cupcake like Titanic?

(Quick aside. We saw Rachel Getting Married last night, and it would slide in at a comfortable No. 4 on our Best Of list, just behind The Wrestler. Shot with a similarly deconstructed style, RGM nails suburban Connecticut and is a poignant, prescient sometimes-intense satire of weddings, rehab, money, self-righteousness and family. Extremely well done.)

Back to our column. Sure, the glow is gone, but you can still waste hours of time in your office cubicle scrolling through a critical ranking of Best Pictures then and now. And yes, I realize the redundant act of linking to rotten-fucking-tomatoes, like none of you jokers have heard of it. (Ooh! That’s new! Mister Faded Glory, on the absolute cutting edge!) Whatever, we figured they can use the clicks.

Anyway, humor me because you know what’s next – our random, arbitrary and totally airtight dueling lists of Best Best Pictures and Worst Best Pictures. As a favor to you, we’re even eliminating Crash from consideration. You know Crash, the film that’s not so much a Best Picture, but a litmus test for intelligence. How so? If you like it, you’re stupid. See how easy that was? Anyway, here goes:

Worst

6.  Million Dollar Baby and Unforgiven (tie). Note to critics – please stop assuming each Eastwood performance is a self-referential channeling of The Man With No Name or Dirty Harry Calahan. Some of his movies just suck.

5. That Last Lord of the Rings. No one is more self-congratulatory or self-deluded than Peter Jackson. This movie is like seven hours long. By the way, it won instead of Lost In Translation.

4.  Oliver! Oliver is a musical version of Charles Dickens’ Oliver Twist. I’m not even kidding. Apparently the Academy’s stodgy response to the burgeoning hippie culture in 1968 was to vote the gheyest Best Picture ever.

3. The English Patient. When ten years passes, and your movie is more notable for being eviscerated in a Seinfeld episode … probably not the right choice as Best Picture.

2. Gladiator. Remember that period between 2000 and 2003 or so, when you weren’t allowed to disparage Gladiator or some glorified meathead impugned your manhood? Only pussies don’t like Gladiator? Who’s laughing now?

1. Forrest Gump. I have no words. This was awful.

The Best.

6. No Country For Old Men. I’ll go ahead and say it. If you don’t like the ending, this blog isn’t for you. Perhaps you should try reading People Magazine.

5. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Great movie. One of the few films to sweep every major category at the Oscars – the actors, director, picture. I believe Silence of the Lambs, It Happened One Night, and maybe one other film did this trick. These scientific stat nuggets are why you visit the site, I know. On Rotten Tomatoes, by the way, their No. 5 flick is a 1955 picture called Marty. How relevant.

4. It Happened One Night. I’m not kidding, this 1934 snappy-dialogue, romantic comedy is actually good. (They should probably remake it with Ryan Reynolds and Amy Adams.)

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(crickets.)…

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(I’ll show myself out.)

3. The Sting. Very good, even though it’s been way too long since I’ve seen it. By the way, compiling this list made me realize I have yet to see The French Connection and Platoon. (I’ve had things to do…)

2. The Godfather. It is that good. Some people like the sequel; I actually think the DeNiro flashacks tended to bloat the film a bit. Minor complaint.

1. American Beauty. You already know I will not argue about this. (Well, I mean, I will, but you’ll be wrong.)