Mister Faded Glory | www.misterfadedglory.com

Perhaps I’m unaware of this whole phenomenon, but at what point did “Gift” transform from noun to verb? As in: On Tuesday, ABC is gifting me new episodes of Scrubs. But the word gift has now morphed fully within our lexicon. Amazon.com, Itunes, and more Web sites urge me to “Gift this music,” “Gift this item,” etc.

In various account maintenance portals, I’m asked if I was gifted this particular product or purchase. For fuck’s sake, what’s wrong with the word  “give?” (MFG Resolution No. 2: More profanity. Excuse me, more fucking profanity.)

Even Merriam-Webster now deigns to dignify the false verb “gift” as a transitive verb. Thank you, Merriam-Webster, for gifting this legitimacy to a transitive verb that shouldn’t exist. Sometimes the English language is so stupid I wish i just ai parle au Francais tout le temps.

Regardless (Notice I didn’t say ‘Irregardless,’ the hallmark of true morons), I was gifted several items over the holidays. This includes a new coffee pot and Season 1 of The Wire. Both were fantastic gifts for someone to gift me. I was honored to have gifted them from. (Head explodes.) Perhaps my most perplexing gift, however, arrived today – Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy.

I opened it and there it was, someone gifting me the actual disc. It actually exists! And it’s transfixingly crappy! I can’t decide if this person’s decision to gift me was either genius or cruel, or both!

Months ago I sampled Democracy, not astonished to find it sucked. Instead of purchasing it, however, I bought both Use Your Illusions, finally updating my catalog from the cassette version of both albums. (Using an itunes gift card someone gifted me for my birthday, no less.)

And since you didn’t ask, I’ve also distilled both Illusions into one essential Illusion. Yes, I know both Will Leitch and Drew Magary on Deadspin did this months ago, but I don’t care. I’m fully interested in ticking off their douche-y little sports blogger fraternity. Anyway, I’ve now gifted this essential tracklist to you, track order preferred by me.

1. Right Next Door to Hell (I). Why don’t you write a letter to me?
2. 14 Years (II). I tried to see the sunshine, but you bring the rain.
3. Bad Obsession (I). I call my doctor. He’s just another who says I’m sick in the head.
4. Don’t Cry (alternate) (II). No one can live in sorrow, ask all your friends.
5. Don’t Damn Me (I). ‘Cause silence isn’t golden when I’m holding it inside.
6. You Ain’t the First (I). I can’t hear you crying, your jiving’s been hell.
7. Yesterdays (II). I ain’t got time, to reminisce on novelty.
8. Pretty Tied Up (II). I know this chick, she lives down on Melrose. She ain’t satisfied without some pain.
9. Garden of Eden (I). This fire is burning and it’s out of control, it’s not a problem you can stop, it’s rock and roll.
10. Estranged (II). Old at heart, but I’m only 28, and much too young to bend or break a heart.
11. Dead Horse  (I). Sick of this life, not that you care.
12. Coma (I). No one’s gonna mess with my head no more.

You’re welcome. Happy New Year.