Mister Faded Glory | misterfadedglory.com

The Curse of the Super Bowl Runner-Up – the team that loses missing out on next season’s playoffs – is once again validated. Everybody’s all-Americans, the 11-5 New England Patriots, will watch the NFL playoffs from their homes.

Such a pity, I know. But 2007′s best regular-season team to ever lose a Super Bowl is 2008′s best regular-season team to miss the playoffs. Things are looking up, chowdah-heads!

But seriously, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer team and a more expansive legion of douchebag fans. Over/under on amount of blog posts, news columns, or sound bites tomorrow whining about a playoff structure that rewards division titles over overall record? Seven billion. Buckle up, it’s gonna be an annoying day.

Maybe we’ll be satiated a bit, however, by the New York media calling for the head of Brett Favre, as history’s most overrated QB once again doomed his team with a crucial pick. Not sure anyone could have seen this coming,. The same thing only also happened LAST SEASON IN THE NFC TITLE GAME. Over/under on columns celebrating Favre’s now-dubious legacy? Ten thousand.

And it’s something like irony or karma or just desserts or schadenfreude or fantasy that Favre’s horrendous decision cemented his rival Patriots’ helpless demise. One dickhead deserves another, and so on, we suppose.

But that’s for tomorrow. Almost improbably, we rational NFL fans stare at a Patriots-free, Cowboys-free, Favre-free, Gruden-free, Mangini/Belichick-free playoffs. For right now, we’re totally giddy. Mind you, this will change when it becomes abundantly clear the soul-sucking Chargers will again ruin the Colts’ season, as noted previously.

1. I have a sinking feeling the Colts will travel west for the Wild Card opening rounds of the playoffs – not to Denver, but to San Diego. I loathe that matchup. First, they’ve already played, and I hate playoff rematches, especially when the opener went your way (barely). Secondly, San Diego is built to beat the Colts moreso than any other team – Jamal Williams, Shaun Phillips, Antonio Gates, and particularly Darren Sproles give us inconceivable fits. And finally, San Diego is riding a hot wave of karma – perhaps payback for their early wave of gut-punch losses, including their home defeat on a 50-yard Vinateri FG. Gulp.
2. Secondly, did Peter King really write this?

I think Jack Del Rio is on the verge of making some staff changes that will be the beginning of the Jags’ rebuilding for 2009. Stay tuned.

Um, like, ZOMG? How Jack Del Rio is never on the chopping block at the behest of Jaguars management is beyond me. How the national media further don’t call him out for being a terrible coach is even farther beyond me. Only last season did the Jaguars acheive near their competency level – most of Del Rio’s tenure has been marked by bonehead penalties, off-field violations, one-dimensional play-calling, horrific gameplanning, consistent whining by players during games, consistent whining by players after the games, near-incessant trash-talk, and numerous locker-room blowups. Luckily the Jags have inked David Garrard to a forever deal and are unwilling to can their terrible coach. Lucky for the Colts, that is. The only changes Del Rio should make is adding his signature to a buyout.

Normally I’d turn my nose up at the NFL and its PR Network’s attempt to turn Thursday nights into football nights; therefore depriving us of one extra game on Sundays.

Normally.

But with the Colts winning their eighth game in a row, at hated Jacksonville, securing a playoff berth and hammering the proverbial nail into Meathead Jack’s coffin – I’m OK with Thursday nights. Here it is, Sunday morning, and I have nothing to sweat. Today, football is a virtual respite within the morass of Christmas buildup; featuring lights and wrapping and cards and mailing and expenses and crowded grocery stores and all the stuff you swore when you were 22 you wouldn’t ever touch with a 15-foot fake tree.

Doubly satisfying is the Colts making me eat my words – this team actually is playing better with every game; even going into the 2006 playoffs, no one was certain of that. The offensive line is still a huge question mark – and though Dominic Rhodes is a welcome addition to the team, the running attack is totally stalled. The Colts’ inability to gain a 3rd and 1 to ice the game showed up not only in Jacksonville, but has at other points during the year. That needs to change.

The defense also misses Gary Brackett more than I thought possible, though totals against the Jags were somewhat inflated. Going into Jax, a team with nothing to play for except furthering their cheap-shot hatred of the Colts, but celebrating the survival of their friend Richard Collier – well, I wasn’t sure the Colts would win. Of course they did, but they couldn’t run, they gave up monstrous yardage totals to their nemesis, and we’re still a little concerned.

Of course, this brings my stream-of-consciousness post to Peyton Manning, whom I’ve been hard on for years; before 2005 claiming the Colts won in spite of Peyton, not because of. This is no longer the case. Manning sublimated his aerial game perfectly in 2005, 2006 and 2007 – and now, realizes his enormous passing totals are out of necessity, not ideal. He played like a surgeon on Thursday, and the Colts’ clinch was one of their most satisfying of all time. This team has faced real adversity – injuries, a difficult schedule, and more. Manning and Dungy, greeting one another after the game, repeated the Colts’ mantra: “Never any doubt.”

That’s a satisfying place to be, as a fan – even cheering on a team that’s not whole at all. Never any doubt, still. When the Colts lose, that’s the surprise. Going into the playoffs, it’s relaxing, rewarding, and we’re lucky.

Now let’s go win.

Postscript: Happy Holidays to all of you who celebrate Xmas or Chanukah only out of necessity. Blah.

Not exactly a banner news day for humorous Cub fans. First, the news broke from the Las Vegas baseball winter meetings – and not just as a floaty tidbit from Peter Gammons – that formidable Padres starter Jake Peavy would not become a Cub. Of course this may be a further trade ploy, but right now it just feels disappointing. Peavy was but a tease, and Jason Marquis (the, uh, Marquee of all terrible free-agent signings in history. You’re welcome) remains in the Cubs’ rotation – the unmovable part which kept a trade full of movable parts from happening..

Not that the North Siders still can’t have a great 2009, but Peavy would have been a great addition for next year and beyond. You would think, right? Still, quite a few Cubs message-board denizens- notoriously concerned about deep pockets which aren’t their own – actually seem pleased Peavy got away.

I would rather have Randy Johnson, Josh Vitters, Sean Marshall and the trade pieces of Felix Pie and Ronny Cedeno over Peavy anyway …

Sure, some of you would. That’s because you’re morons. Who wouldn’t want a washed-up starter whose only current success is against the Cubs – whom we don’t yet employ, by the way; a completely unproven 19-year-old – useless on a team built to win in the next three seasons; a no. 3 lefty starter at best, and two future never-wases? That’s five replaceable parts instead of the second-best starter in baseball, joining a team which should peak either this year or next, at its ceiling. Sigh. I love being a fucking Cubs fan. (WHADDAYA MEAN DA ORIOLES WON’T TRADE ADAM JONES, MARKAKIS AND SCOTT FOR FELIX PIE? THAT’S WIN-WIN!)

And in more depressing news, this was announced last night on-air, but I didn’t learn about it till my lunch hour: Rob Riggle is leaving The Daily Show. We don’t devote much space to The Daily Show (how do you lampoon a lampoon?), but Riggle will be missed. Luckily, he’s developing his own show at CBS, which you should be able to catch for approximately 15 minutes longer than Gary Unmarried or whatever sitcom dreck the Tiffany network plans to shove down your throats. Everyone Loves Rob.  We wish him the best. Speaking of the best, this is his:

You’re probably waiting on my annual teeth-gnashing over the BCS. I’m ambivalent. I wonder how I could possibly care about another slate of worthless bowls (Save the Outback), or how long I can work myself into typical College-Football-Fan-Chip-On-Shoulder-pissed over the sheer ridiculity of the sport.

Let’s be brief – the BCS has not remedied the wrongs which were a problem nearly 14 years ago (1994: Notre Dame beats Florida State in regular season, FSU still wins title) nor does the system actually preserve this mythical “College Football Regular Season is more important than any other season” argument (Texas beats Oklahoma in supposed powerhouse conference’s Biggest Game of the Year in September. Later on in the year, however, the game proves moot.).

So you’re stuck with a ridiculous system, and complaining about it is folly, because there are tens of thousands of douchebags who adhere to the NCAA’s sanctioned talking points. They’re just as pissed off as you, because all college football fans are perpetually pissed off, even if everything is groovy. They’re pissed at jerks like you, who hint that since every other sport in the entire world at every level uses a playoff, maybe college fucking football should get in line. It all gets easier if you stop caring.

(On that note. Go Hawkeyes!)

UPDATE: Maybe I won’t cover this subject later. (Not that it hasn’t been done already.) I’ll perhaps refrain, because MJD’s acidic-tongue-in-cheek parody sublimely details college football’s unending conundrum. Absolute perfection. And maybe even enough to keep me quiet.

(And, to be clear, I’d be just as proud of the resurrected, young 8-4 Hawkeyes if the Outback Steakhouse Bowl didn’t exist. So there.)

So let me get this straight. The Cubs blow it in the playoffs again. Mark Cuban‘s legal status may prevent him from owning the club. The Trib may be bankrupt; and Jake Peavy a pipe dream. Kosuke Fukudome turned out to be terrible. And now this?

Unlike Chicago’s other current foibles, this continual knife-in-the-back really is a tragedy. Poor Ron. And, more to the point, poor Hall of Fame. Making bad decisions forever, as long as humanly possible.

Lest you think I’m simply failing to comment because of the Colts’ oh-so-ugly (But oh-so-sweet) victory over the Cleveland Browns on Sunday, rest assured, Mister Faded Glory is excessively busy with all sorts of work and holiday-related and corporate and community ventures. Instead of petty bitching or cautioning that posts may be fairly sparse for a week, instead I’ll leave you with a thought. And since I’m snowed under in the world of public relations and advertising, my thought sort of brims with imaginary expertise.

It’s nice to see Bud Light and Coors Light finally adopt more truthful advertising though each’s new ad campaign, featuring, of course, “drinkability” and also “The new vented can.” No longer does each massive beer conglomerate even purport to serve you, the American people, a tasty beer.

Rather, Bud Light’s so drinkable you can freely swill it for hours and hours on end with zero repercussions except your own blissful drunkenness, perhaps even at a tailgate filled with super-attractive people.

Coors Light’s new and improved can, on the other hand, features a faster pour – finally, America’s lightest beer has unleashed the ability to guzzle brews faster down your throat than you ever thought possible. Throw away that beer bong and don’t plan on shotguns – Coors now does the work for you.

And I for one, welcome the honesty – Bud and Coors have shed the chains of taste, moderation, class or intelligentsia, and admit their product will get you drunker faster than anyone else’s. In advertising, it’s rare that companies fully know exactly what you want.

But in this case, they totally do.