Mister Faded Glory | www.misterfadedglory.com

I’m late to the party on this one, but in the span of a Tuesday, the rumor the Cubs were interested in signing washed-up metro centerfielder Jim Edmonds suddenly became a veritable fact. Reported by Jayson Stark on Mike and Mike, and also Gordon Wittenmeyer on the Sun-Times, Edmonds now appears destined for Chicago.

Not only am I tardy, but I’m certainly treading no new ground here. This move reeks of either stupidity, hubris, or simple laziness – hallmarks of each and every reclamation project Jim Hendry can’t turn down – from Trachsel, Steve to Rusch, Glendon to Wilson, Enrique to Miller, Wade to all the others in between – bargains for past performance but promising only future failure. Not only is Edmonds no better than Pie, he’s actually worse. His performance against RHP (against whom he’ll play exclusively) is virtually identical, and Edmonds‘ defense doesn’t compare. Not only that…

…but he’s also, well, the enemy.

No player has inspired more loathing and hatred among Cub fans than the Cardinals’ whiny, showboating glory hound. Even now, Wittenmeyer reports that Edmonds hopes to sign with the Cubs if only to stab Cardinal Nation in the back:

…[T]he team plans to pursue Edmonds, [who] has told his agent to talk to no one before talking to the Cubs … Edmonds was dumped unceremoniously by the Cardinals last winter in a trade for minor-league third baseman David Freese and is motivated by the opportunity to help a division rival beat his old team.

Now, normally that’s the kind of trendy spite I can get behind – but instead, it’s unsettling. At 38, two steps away from the end of his career, Edmonds assumes he’s the story. Just as he did diving for each and every pop fly hit his way, just as he did during each contretemps with the Cubs. (Who can forget a steaming Carlos Zambrano rearing back and drilling Frosty in the back after his showboating, a meaningless HBP in a meaningful game? Not TCR, who graciously links us. Normally, I would frown on this. In that particular game, I clapped.)

But that’s Top Jimmy. All show, no substance. During his routine crash-lands endeavoring to make Sportscenter’s top ten lists (He’s white. He’s smiley. He dives for catches. Give him a Gold Glove, says the 40-something sportswriting contingent.), Cards fans failed to notice his high K-rate while they congratulated each other for being the best fans ever. Even now, with a solid team that’s finally shed Edmonds-included dead weight, they still wax poetic over Top Jimmy‘s exodus. Please.

And here he comes. The douchebag, ticketed for Wrigley, probably trying to bring down any Cubs’ success from the inside. And it got us thinking – who is the athlete we despise most, whom we couldn’t possibly love even if he signed with our team? Plenty of times we’ve developed a severe distaste for current Cubs who left (See: Barrett, Michael. Tavarez, Julian. Farnsworth, Kyle. Hawkins, Latroy.) But the dead-red, showboating, eyeliner-wearing enemy? Does he have an equal?

• The Colts, signing Tedy Bruschi?
• The Drexler-era Trail Blazers signing Michael Jordan? (Sigh. Yes, everybody, I’m a Cubs fan who doesn’t like Michael Jordan. So sorry.)
• The Vikings, signing Brett Favre? (Courtesy of an official friend of MFG.)
• Cubs, signing WS heroes Derrek Lee and Juan Pierre? (Oops.)
• Cubs sign Chris Carpenter? This would qualify, although Carp could eat innings and actually get batters out, so I could overlook that. As opposed to Edmonds‘ habitual misplays of lazy gap singles into triples.

But, this our new Cub fan reality. Which proves we’ll go to great lengths to bitch about nearly anything (Remember last month’s lengthy discussions about Soriano leading off?), because players certainly don’t view themselves beholden to any team. Johnny Damon left Boston for New York, right? Hopefully, Edmonds fuels whatever selfish bitterness he has into some sort of productivity. If not, perhaps he’ll take Jason Marquis with him, en route out of town.