Bonus coverage

As promised, baseball is starting tonight or last week or something. Here’s what we think:

AL EAST

1. The Sox. Because a Masshole fan base deserves more success.
2. The Yanks. Because this division is always, always, always terrible.
3. The Jaze. Nice new uniforms, same spot in the division.
4. The Raze. Bad new uniforms. And who cares.
5. The Orioles. First The Wire departs, now Baltimore is subjected to this?

AL CENTRAL

1. Detroit Rock City. Best team in the AL, maybe – their pitching front three is fearsome, depending on which Dontrelle Willis shows up.
2. Cleveland. Great hitting, thin pitching, but enough to win the wild card.
3. Minnesota. Totally irrelevant.
4. Kansas City. Notable simply for finishing ahead of the White Sox.
5. Chicago. That world series really happened in 2005? Really?

AL WEST

1. Angels. Not sold on any of these teams, like the deep lineup out here.
2. Rangers. I think they’ll surprise – says more about the M’s and A’s than the Rangers.
3. Mariners. Looks like a .500 team to me. I know Erik Bedard is Tom Seaver, but, you know.
4. A’s. Not the worst last-place team, at least.

NL EAST

1. Mets. Johan and Maine and pray for rain. (Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was gangbusters. NEVER been used before.)
2. Phils. Oh, I don’t know. I’d laud Chase Utley, but that’s just what you expect.
3. Braves. Snore.
4. Nationals. Just to change it up.
5. Marlins. That’s right, we lost the NLCS in 2003 to this franchise. Fantastic.

NL CENTRAL

1. Us. I guess; I really have less faith in the Brewers than more faith in our Cubs. If that makes sense.
2. Crew. Great offense, but did their pitching actually regress in the offseason? Who thought that was possible?
3. Reds-Cards-Stros-Bucs: Feast your eyes, Cubs fans. These are the dregs of the NL Central, the teams Chicago will inexplicably fall to, repeatedly, at crucial times throughout the season.

NL WEST

1. Diamondbacks. Might be the class of the NL, should their young hitters continue to improve.
2. Dodgers. Who knows?
3. Rockies. Just don’t see them as anything more than a flash in the pan. In other news, Rockpile tickets have increased from $4 per game to $78. Progress! (Note: Not actually true.)
4. Padres. No offense to speak of on this team, which will come in handy when Mark Prior no-hits us in August. Well, it will only be 1-0 instead of a really painful shellacking.
5. Giants. Just horrific. Memo to Aaron Rowand – get familiar with the bricks and ivy around the trade deadline. Just sayin’.