Mister Faded Glory | misterfadedglory.com

No running diary after all, I may be away from Internet access for a large portion of the day. You know, if you cared whatsoever.

However, to the souls in the Gameday crowd with a huge cutout of Homer Simpson in a Drew Tate jersey — well played, sirs and ma’ams, well played.

On Iowa, Go Hawks.

Colts analysis? Sorry, we’ve got other things on our minds in these parts. The quick answer (yes, with an and) is yes, the Colts will beat the Jets Sunday. And it will be fairly close, not unsurprisingly.

No more time to spend on the Colts, however, even though I could rightfully take the entire NFL media to task for lionizing the Cincinnati Bengals for their imperfect win over the Steelers, while demonizing the Colts for their imperfect win over the Jags.

I get it, though, because Cincy beat a better team. … WAIT … whaaaa? Jax beat Pitt? What the hell, world? Sean Salisbury committed this about-face in one conversation. Sheer brilliance.

Regardless, the Colts soldier on. But we’ve got bigger nuggets to point out, bigger fish to fry, and bigger talking points before the biggest college football weekend in 14 years. To wit:

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Thank you, Len Pasquarelli.

Game analysis: Stop me if you’ve heard this one. The Colts dared Byron Leftwich to beat them. He couldn’t.

Indianapolis doesn’t have a championship yet. But they’re betting on poise, intelligence, work ethic, and commitment each time they take the field. Against a loud, amped, petulant franchise, I’ll take the poise each time.

The Colts play host to the pesky Jaguars this week, as the pair renews its bitter rivalry for the 2006 campaign. It’s even getting a little bit of play nationally, previously Colt-Jaguar tilts have been considered somewhat of afterthoughts. Not sure why, even going back to 2003, the underdog Jags seemed to play Indy tooth and nail.

And they still do. Rumor also has it that the Jags despise the Colts. (Though this may be a result of their coaching — Jack Del Rio prides fierce motivation over heady competence in games; this often manifests itself in numerous penalties or bonehead plays by the Teal. Right, former Colt Mike Peterson?) And maybe they don’t like the Horseshoes, but that’s the reality of the AFC South. The Colts have been on top, just like the Titans before them. Now the Jags — only separated, really, by a game from Indy last season — hope to hurl themselves over the hump, not tossing an end-of-game I-N-T in the Dome as they did last season.)

Can they do it?

Sure. Fred Taylor, when healthy, has given Indy fits, and the front seven of the Colts hasn’t quite gelled as fast as last year. This could be a problem. Byron Leftwich is an accurate passer and skilled QB – but it’s been David Garrard who has hurt the Colts more in recent past. As previously, Leftwich’s immobility should play right into the Colts’ D-Line’s hands — doubtful that a brainiac like Jack Del Rio will alter the game plan to take advantage of the Colts’ weaknesses (Maybe he’ll rely on Mike – giggle - Tice for help). The Jags’ wideouts aren’t anything special, Matt Jones could be trouble, but even the diminutive Colts’ secondary can handle Reggie Williams and Ernest Wilford. (They don’t still have R.Jay Soward, do they? Kidding.).

Jax’ defense is tough, but that’s nothing new. Last season the Teal flummoxed Indy at home, holding the Colts to only 10, but Peyton (again, I’ll give him credit when it’s due) solved them completely at Alltel. Joe Addai and Dom Rhodes haven’t exactly set the world on fire, but Indy’s adaptable offense should be able to solve even a stout Jacksonville defense. Throw in a couple jacked-up key defensive penalties from our nemesis, and it’s easy to see Indy’s offense rolling.

I think the Colts win — but if you’re betting the spread, I’d think hard about the Jags, if only because Fred Taylor is healthy and Indy’s defense isn’t where the Colts want it. But they’ll survive, and move on.

I don’t know if fall is as pronounced a “new season” as its cousins spring, summer, and winter. Sure, it begins new school years everywhere, new television seasons, and football and electoral campaigns. However, it’s also the time of year when seasonal plants and animals begin dying, the days grow shorter, and spring and summer promises wither and fade.

Still, there is a fall music season, believe it or not, and this year, it’s even caught Mister Faded Glory‘s musical attention.

I’ve lamented my favorite bands’ decisions to release greatest hits albums in the past. Stop rolling your eyes.

I know it signals that I’m either old, behind the times, close-minded toward new music, or living in the past. While all four are somewhat true, each subsequent new “greatest hits” package is a sad, depressing reminder of faded glory, old haunts, and times past — like memories dredged up in a shiny new casing, as if constantly attempting to prove youth or relevance. Draw your own parallels.

So, here we are. Perched on October, and two cherished bands in Mister Faded Glory‘s heart are releasing — supposedly all-new, remastered, re-ordered, repackaged, replenished, reimagined, re-, re-, re- greatest hits album. What’s troubling is not necessarily the greatest hits albums per se — I’ve lived through Pearl Jam, Nirvana, and Soundgarden compilations and even a Nirvana box set (which is awesome, excuse me) — what’s troubling is the attempt to consider each package as the first.

First up is Jane’s Addiction. Up from the Catacombs supposedly features a bunch of ‘remastered’ Jane’s tracks, but Mr. Faded Glory isn’t sure if they’re remastered from Jane’s first swan song/greatest hits album, Kettle Whistle, or Perry Farrell‘s sort-of greatest-hits album Rev.

Pigs In Zen, we suppose, could be remastered from either its inclusion on Jane’s Addiction or Nothing’s Shocking, and Jane Says could be remastered from any of its versions on two of Jane’s Addiction‘s original albums or its landmark cut on Kettle Whistle.

Anyway, the whole Catacombs stunt reeks of overkill, and with only one cut off Strays (you’ll chuckle as you remember MFG saying in 2003 on DSV that Strays would save rock and roll), they seem to be discounting that album in general. (Granted, it’s their worst, but it’s good, and True Nature or Strays could both be included.)

Overdone. Overwrought. Good track listing, I guess, but even if you’re a Jane’s novice, I suspect you already own Kettle Whistle, which is just as good, if not better, of a compilation album. And you may be missing Ted, Just Admit It, or Summertime Rolls, but cripes, man, buy Nothing’s Shocking. Best album of the 1980s. Get with it!

Mister Faded Glory’s second-favorite band ever (in a virtual tie with Mother Love Bone and Nirvana, but, well, you know) has decided to once again crash record stores with The Essential Alice In Chains. Now, I love Alice In Chains. I do. (Seeing them in November, in Wichita. Scary’s on the wall, indeed.)

But this is — count them — greatest hits album number four. Five, if you count AIC:Live, which I do. Six, if you count MTV Unplugged! And I have to. I think that album was my major in college! But also clocking in as a compilation Chains album:

Music Bank (Alice’s landmark boxed set, with almost every song, including Get Born Again and Died.)
Nothing Safe (Released in conjunction with Music Bank in 2000, just a snippet of AIC’s greatest.)
Alice In Chains MTV Unplugged (1996)
Alice In Chains: Live (2000)
Alice In Chains’ Greatest Hits (cheapo for Lazer/Edge/Slam FM metal radio listeners.)
And now the Essential AIC.

Essentials is good, don’t get me wrong (Ha!). It includes the album Sap in its entirety, which is nice, in case you jokers haven’t bought that. Both Get Born Again, and Died. Some classics off Dirt which may have been unnoticed, like Hate to Feel. Of course, What the Hell Have I. Somehow, Whale & Wasp/Don’t Follow was omitted. And Bleed the Freak and Junkhead. And no DOWN IN A FREAKING HOLE???? Okay, now I’m upsetting myself.

Still, it’s a little redundant, yes? Alice keeps churning out (or at least sanctioning) these records — and they didn’t have the largest body of work to begin with.

They’re a classic rock band, their music is virtually timeless because of its uniquity, but we’ve got greatest hits after greatest hits. In fact, we’ve got more compilations than original releases! The whole notion is outlandish in its sheer stupidity.

But I’m beating and berating a dead horse. Instead of shaking my head at these unnecessary releases, I should embrace them, right? I should offer Mister-Faded-Glory‘s truly greatest Alice In Chains playlist. Yes, that’s exactly what I should do! Not only that, with Alice touring this fall, and this is a perfect primer. Here goes.
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You can’t review who recovers the ball on a kick. Oh, I’m tired of this. What-the-hell-ever.

Since it will make us feel better, here’s a little humor surrounding the Colts’ win over the hapless Texans. (OK, so they’re better than some.)

One of the main reasons for the Texans’ panic-stricken, hopelessly overanalyzed pick of Mario Williams (by the way, nice fellow) over demigod Reggie Bush was that the Texans were in the same division as the Colts, whose juggernaut offense ran roughshod over the Texans time and again. The logic was that Williams would provide an instant pass rush and even help the run, while the Texans crafted a defense to compete with the Colts, said dunderheaded GM Charley Casserly.

We’ve already established that the Texans are morons because:

1. Who’s buying any Texans jerseys without “Bush 25″ on the back? Anyone?

2. Who’s really paying attention to the Texans’ offense without Bush on the field? Anyone?

3. Why do they really think Gary Kubiak, supposed offensive guru-in-training, signed on to Houston? To work with David Carr?

4. Who currently is playing running back for them? Oh, Ron Dayne? Never (chortle) mind.

Anyway, add no. 5.

5. The Colts’ window is shutting by 2008. They’ll have to re-group, re-cap, cut a bunch of players, and start over. So, when will be the first chance Mario Williams has to make an impact on a team that’s lacking defensive help nearly everywhere?

Regardless of his performance, given the states of the Colts and Texans, it won’t be this season.

Maybe it’s next?

Beyond that, it’s doubtful they will even need Williams’ impact to hang with the Colts – because the Colts will no longer be the class of the (regular-season) league, and in salary-cap rebuild mode.

Remarkable. Outfreakingstanding. The Texans‘ pick will no doubt have less immediate impact than No. 2 pick Bush – duh — but because of divisional atrophywill also have a diminishing chance of divisional impact in the near future.

Ye gods. Just an awful pick. Awful, awful, awful. And now, Texans, you are 0-2.

So as we’re all (a) wringing our hands, (b) smacking our foreheads, or, alternatively, (c) quacking, comes now footage showing that Oklahoma actually, well, recovered the onside kick.

Uh-huh. Okay, remember my last post? This changes everything.

Pretty sure they can review whether a kick was recovered, the spot of the ball, and who first gained possession, or whatever. That’s reviewable.

Of course we missed it all. (Thank you, frenzied Dan Fouts and Tim Brant).

The problem is, well, you know, that the referees didn’t see who actually recovered the ball. What the hell is under that hood?

Quack, quack, I guess. Ouch.

It’s fairly obvious that the NCAA’s instant-replay system isn’t exactly perfect. Never more was this apparent than in the Oregon-Oklahoma game Saturday afternoon, in which the Ducks roared back from a 13-point deficit, recovered an onside kick that shouldn’t have been theirs, and benefiting from a pass-interference call that should have been waved off.

While I don’t theoretically have a problem with that game’s outcome (see below), it illustrates the confusion surrounding college football’s new initiative.

The NFL adopted their instant-replay challenge system nearly 6 years ago, and in the beginning, the red-flag system was a mess. Sure, theoretically, the replay by-laws of “indisputable evidence,” “reviewable plays,” and limited challenges seemed to be fair and equitable, and reasonable means to acquire plays’ correct ends.

The problem wasn’t the rules, however. It was the interpretations. To be frank, football referees ain’t exactly Rhodes scholars, juris doctors, or policy wonks. They watch a game. And the NFL seemingly mandated they suddenly examine replay as though it were DNA evidence. It was laughable.

Too often, refs were focused on the rock-solid incumbence of calls on the field – as if the burden of proof was nearly insurmountable for a TV clip to overcome. Please. Too many times, refs cited a lack of “indisputable evidence” to overcome the wrong call, even though the replay clip showed enough evidence to discern a correct call. It was ridiculous. We weren’t sitting in courtroom hearings. Fans didn’t pay ticket prices to hear a judicial opinion.

And the refs weren’t even the worst part. Scads of announcers, reading straight from the NFL rulebook, attempted to sound like legislators or Supreme Court justices, trying to legitimize and determine if a wide receiver juggled the ball or got two feet in bounds. Not exactly earth-shattering policy, legal logic, or Mensa stuff. The whole thing came to a head in the infamous Tuck Rule game, which introduced us to the godawful Patriots dynasty (sorry).

However, watching the NFL now – its replay system is clean and efficient. It’s the benchmark for sports officiating. Why? Because after the growing pains during replay’s first few years, an unofficial, unspoken policy replaced the ridiculous “indisputable” blah blah blah garbage that made football games seem like a C-Span episodes.

The policy?

Get it right.

That’s it. It’s simple.
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It’s done.

Whether it’s ever published, successful, or whether I’m ever famous, or not. It’s done.

It may be rough, it may be ragged, it may still need a little work on continuity and repetitiveness. It may need to be tightened up a little.

But it’s done. And it’s mine.

(Exhales.)

As mentioned before, football season is upon us, and with it an avalanche of the worst sports commentating, analysis, and gamecalling known to man. It’s remarkable that we’ve never had a full-scale revolt against sports media simply because we’re fed up with incompetent announcery. In fact, the closest we’ve come is Bill Simmons‘ most perceptive point in his recent NFL preview:

. . . But we got to talking about Kornheiser, and here’s the thing: This HAS to work. He’s our only hope. If he doesn’t bring up salient questions, offer critical remarks, inject some personality and move a formulaic, cliché-ridden, punchless profession into an entirely different direction, you know who ends up losing in the long run? Us. That’s who. Anyway, that’s why I’m rooting for Tony to succeed. . .

Simmons, ESPN.com/page2, 9/8/06.

Bill’s completely accurate. (and, for some reason, getting to lambaste TV announcers more than ever. Witness his potshot at Berman in the same column. Score!)

However, he is right. Tony Kornheiser could save us all. He’s smart, intelligent, witty, and cynical. Rarely do you find those qualities appreciated in football, or even exhibited by announcers who are all too quick to claim an insider’s perspective on the game, refuse to use the N-F-L acronym, and eager to shout down the fans. It’s aggravating.

In fact, Tony’s more like all of us than he is his salivating colleague, Joe Theismann. He pokes fun. He shouts. He winces. He doesn’t bother describing a stop-and-go route, because he knows we know what they are. He references American Idol. He is a fan, albeit a smart one. And MFG is excited to see what he can do. However, Tony K doesn’t make it into this week’s power rankings, simply because MFG has yet to see Monday Night Football’s supposed A-Team (Prior commitments. Monday Night Softball. It’s Fan-tastic!)

With that in mind, tongue-in-cheek, and cynicism in hand, Mister Faded Glory will take a look at the good, the bad, the ugly, the awful, the downright depressing of sports broadcasting. We’ll do this at random, so for much more in-depth ‘Awful Announcing‘ analysis, here’s your site (Particularly if you detest Skip Bayless. Wait, that’s everyone!). Onto this week’s rankings.

THE GOOD

1. Brad Nessler, Ron Jaworski, Dick Vermeil. (Monday Night Football/2, ABC)

Everybody everywhere loved this team. Loved it. And we can’t imagine why!

Clear play-calling? Informed analysis? Cerebral coach’s point of view? Historical couching? Comfortable chemistry? We only get this team once this year?

It shouldn’t be a surprise. Nessler is ESPN’s everyman, and handles football and basketball with aplomb. He’s clear, efficient, precise, and never says too much.

Jaws‘ enthusiasm is contagious and endearing — and for an announcer, that is extremely difficult to pull off.(Seriously, Bill Walton‘s enthusiastic. Now you’re smacking your head against the keyboard. Need I say more?). Jaws‘ quarterback situational knowledge has evolved but is still razor-sharp.

Once upon a time, Vermeil was ABC’s lead college football analyst, and clearly didn’t miss a beat upon his return. He’s grandfatherly but gruff, kind but unflinching, and extremely engaging to the viewer. Too bad the game was such a rout, because these guys were a treat. Nicely done.
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