Mister Faded Glory | www.misterfadedglory.com

Well, sort of, anyway.

Last time you visited this space and saw any new content, I was hinting at a 10-day vacation that would leave me relaxed, recharged, and presumably ready to tackle all the world’s insignificant problems on this, my official spouting-off point.

Let’s just say that’s not exactly the case.

Vacation was good, but the amount of busywork at the Official Abode of Mister Faded Glory, as well as at the job combined to remove any bits of inspiration the vacation instilled in me. Suffice it to say the onset of another holiday season tends to swat my chest like a ton of bricks — don’t get me wrong, I like all the pomp and circumstance of Thanksgiving, Xmas, NYE, and my own anniversary — but all of it is a whole lot of work. And as much, the constant on-the-go of holidays and vacation have made even my creative efforts feel like, well, work. And we all know how I feel about work.

However, back at the homestead tonight, I’ve decided to soldier on in the blog, only partially because Fox Kansas reran the pilot of Everybody Loves Raymond tonight following my required Simpsons rerun — and I felt myself beginning to become somewhat interested in the plights of Ray. Ye gods. So for better or worse, I’m now here, in front of the computer.

What did we miss while I was gone? Well, the Colts didn’t lose a game. (Oh, how Peyton tried, audibling into three pass plays that nearly gave the Bengals a chance last week. For god’s sakes — they still win in spite of Manning sometimes. In spite. Please don’t revisit 2001, Peyton.) In fact, tonight the Colts face another stern test — against the Steelers, who may have a crafty enough defense and good enough offensive line to notch a win against the Lucky Charms.

Still, at 10-0, I certainly can’t complain, and I’m looking forward to the game tonight, despite one fateful trait.

The announcing.

I can’t handle it anymore. It’s not so much that it’s ridiculous — but it’s patronizing.

Combined with the utter haplessness of the Detroit Lions and the prospect of another Madden and Michaels scratch-the-surface telecast tonight of my own Colts, I’ve grown wholly weary of the entire bombastic announcing culture.

And it’s John Madden’s fault, but to a lesser extent, it’s also Detroit GM Matt Millen‘s. (Actually, Millen appears in this rant only because he was a Madden clone — somehow achieving praise from media critics, and somehow parlayed awful, banal, loud announcing into a GM job, yet still retaining a free pass from all media even though he may be the worst general manager in all of sports, save for one. I don’t understand how Matt Millen escapes blame, for ruining a struggling franchise — making it even worse than it ever was prior to his tenure. Wait, here comes another five year contract! Success! Let’s draft another crack-smoking wideout!)

Anyway, Madden was a competent announcer at one time. He was great to listen to if you were regarding your first-ever NFL game. His voice is still somewhat entertaining, however, broadcasts — and indeed, the NFL, has passed him by. In television and the NFL’s infancy, analysts such as Madden served a much broader purpose than they do now.

As the youngest and most-changed of all sports, the NFL’s audience had never come to the table with as much sports knowledge as their casual counterparts following baseball, hockey, golf, or basketball.

The nuances of football and the evolving landscape of the gridiron left much to be explained to a prospective common fan — and indeed, with the youngest pro sports league, the NFL yearned to create knowledgeable fans, partially through its television appeal and, presumably, announcers’ lessons on the game. Once fans understood the game, they enjoyed it. Case closed. It sells itself.

However, that’s all past. The generation watching the NFL that advertisers most covet — males 18-34 — have now grown up with the game pretty much as-is throughout their whole lives. They do not need John Madden to explain the nuances of a simple curl-route. They don’t need Al Michaels to remind them of an underlying storyline, not when ESPN carries constant stories all week. They don’t need Randy Cross to lambast a player for a late-hit, they don’t need Paul Maguire making sound effects with his armpit, or Joe Theismann championing every single QB in every single game.

What they — we – do want is some perspective. Be it snarky, prescient, informative, or simply factual, a color analyst should do his or her best to place the game within context, to subtly question certain players’ play, to remind viewers of players’ past achievements in college, or even to remind viewers of past trivial similar plays, or meaningful achievements in history. And, lest we forget, to call the game. That’s it. That’s the list. And it shouldn’t be too difficult.

Regardless, the NFL landscape is filled with bombast — Cross, Dierdorf, Maguire, Maas — rather than actual, competent, insightful, even humorous announcers. And this is where it falters — baseball announcers, specific to each team, are light-years better than their NFL counterparts, perhaps the one selling point MLB has over the NFL. Until the NFL and its TV networks step back, and recognize the league’s place within popular culture instead of its supposed superiority, can any of the announcing improve.

Anyway, that’s not much for a strong, profound opinion, (remember, it’s my first day!) but just for kicks, here’s five voices I wouldn’t mind seeing broadcast an NFL game (Remember also, I was a Dennis Miller fan. For me, I thought it worked. Professional football is not so sacred that a little humor nor quirkiness detracted from the game. For crying out loud, it’s okay to poke fun at Brett Favre after an interception, the game doesn’t suffer just because an announcer fails to laud him every turn of the way.)

1. Bill Simmons, ESPN.
This could be Simmons’ career-changing move that he seems to pine for in his wildly-popular column. We rip on Simmons occasionally in this space, and he’s gloriously partisan, so he should often see it coming.
However, he does have an outsider’s sense of the game — replete with historical anecdotes, TV-friendly opinions, and an extensive knowledge of pop culture. This is where ABC went wrong with Dennis Miller — Dennis is like watching a game with shtick added. Simmons could be like watching a game with a bar buddy. I’m just saying, ESPN. And Bill. What if?

2. Dick Vermeil, KC Chiefs head coach.
Ages ago Vermeil was such an effective color analyst for college football that he made Brent Musburger palatable. Vermeil brings a passion and intensity that’s actually grounded with some viable and creative intelligence. He would be a great addition to any NFL booth once he retires.

3. Bill Raftery, ESPN/CBS basketball.
Come on, admit it. Just like us, you have an unabashed love for Raff. Raff is a wise old sage, calling basketball games, who is quick to understand the exuberance of youth and the enjoyment of sports. Don’t let the grandfatherly appearance fool you — he can be scathing, sarcastic, and hilarious all at once. Onions!

4. Tony Kornheiser, Washington Post
I clearly gravitate to the more cerebral of writers/heads. Kornheiser is an outstanding writer and effectively self-deprecating. His radio show on ESPN, back in the day, was simply the gold standard for what a sports radio show should be.

I’m always reminded of his sign-off tribute, when Andy Pohde (sp?) remarked how amazing it was what a show could become or a project could become when the driving force was as remarkably intelligent as Tony. His sense of perspective for all of sports — it’s just sports — would be welcome from the patronizing Berman-bombast of the utter importance of THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. And remember kids, if you’re riding your bike tonight, don’t forget to wear white.

5. Aaron Schatz, Football Outsiders.
Schatz’ work is grounded in the kind of statistical analysis that football deserves yet peppered with realism and whimsy. I often wonder how Will Carroll would call a baseball game, and the same goes for the intriguing Schatz. A breath of fresh air.

Well, how about that? I set out to crucify the NFL’s culture of announcing, and instead turned this piece into something remotely positive and somewhat well-thought-out. See that, NFL? It is possible.