Mister Faded Glory | misterfadedglory.com

I actually was surprised to find myself scrambling for some songs to fill out my list after the charge, but here goes nothing.

Porno for Pyros, Kimberly Austin.
Nice & Smooth, Sometimes I Rhyme Slow.
Matthew Sweet, Sick of Myself.
Cracker, Teen Angst.
Soundgarden, Zero Chance.
L7, Pretend We’re Dead.
Pearl Jam, Suggestion/Garden (live Portland, OR, 5/17/92).
Screaming Trees, Sworn and Broken.
Guns N’ Roses, Dead Horse.
John Esposito, You’re the Best. (careful — sound!!)

Electric Blue by Lou Gramm, was almost included on this list, because of its inexplicable resurfacing on my work station of choice. Sorry, lead singer of Foreigner. And I suppose you could make a case for Starland Vocal Band’s Afternoon Delight, because I’ve been replaying that scene from Anchorman over and over.

Yeah, I couldn’t recall hearing that one either, until today. You see, I’m a corporate drone in the actual midpoint of the United States – Salina, Kansas – and I’m still adjusting to some of the foibles of the “deep Midwest” (aside: Nebraska, Kansas, and Missouri are the most rural/hickest of the MW, in my opinion. Iowa, Minnesota, and Wisconsin form the Nasally Midwest, or Northern Midwest, and Illinois is the Eastern Midwest. More riveting pseudo-commentary later, I promise.)

Anyway, I was sending around some flyer designs via email, for approval or feedback. One of the responses I received, from Liberal Kansas (comma omitted for hilarity), was none other than – “It beats a poke in the eye!”

Now, aside from any professional concerns or workplace appearance, I don’t really know how to take that phrase. I suppose it means my product was okay. Still, its inclusion in email was profoundly amusing, an absurd colloquialism probably familiar to southwestern KS folk, but new to me. Anyway, as you are well aware, I’m a stickler for grammar and proper – or at least uppity – usage, and this reminded me of my least-favorite phrase often used in Kansas.

“I was setting in the theater.” “Hey Bill! Set down over there.”

Ugh. People, it’s sitting. You sit. Alliteration sits. People do not set.

Set is not a catch-all phrase. There is a difference – albeit subtle – between set and sit. Keep smacking yourself with that pitchfork, you’ll get it.

For instance, I don’t say, “I saw the Cubs game come on at 10 p.m. last night after a three-hour rain delay, and so I set up all night.”

And I don’t say, “After the Cubs blew the game because Jose F. Macias and Jody Gerut were inexplicably in, I set up all last night fuming at the Cubs’ inept situational hitting.”

And, of course, I do not say, “Jose, nice center-field play. Why don’t you go set on the bench where you belong.”

Thus endeth the lesson for today. And, yes, if you’re wondering, I did somehow get suckered into sitting up till nearly two a.m., watching a terrible rain-delayed baseball game. Beats a poke in the eye, I guess.

I’ve been having trouble collecting my thoughts for a coherent posting recently – I know, I know, that never stopped me before, cymbal clash, etc. – so, today, I think, why bother? If ESPN can package little tidbits of highlights into a 3-minute vacuum, entitled The Ultimate Highlight, then what’s my problem with posting a bunch of random sports thoughts? Legitimacy concerns? Credibility? Coherence? Resonance? Nah.

Baseball trade talk
Last year Phil Nevin vetoed (possibly) a massive trade that would have landed him in Cincinnati for former wunderkind Ken Griffey Jr. This year, again, the Padres are attempting to ship off Mr. Nevin, and while waiting for him to make up his mind, they went ahead and hired a new third baseman, Joe Randa. Umm, Phil? What’s the hold up? He’s turning into the baseball equivalent of George Costanza. Next thing you know, his locker will be a bathroom stall.

The Marlins are also supposedly shopping AJ Burnett to a variety of teams, which is fine, but Burnett, though oft-injured, is pretty good. Just because he’s in his walk year doesn’t require his exile. Seriously, isn’t he someone you want to hold onto? And shouldn’t Dontrelle “Media Creation” Willis’ third-straight second-half flameout further tighten the Fish’s grip on Burnett? (Then again, this is the team that traded away Derrek Lee because they couldn’t afford his extension, then threw piles of money at Carlos Delgado. So, whatever. Yes, I realize they won the Series two years ago. That never happened, by the way.)

Cubsessed again
Nothing takes control of a weekend like a Cubs/Cards series at Busch. The Cubs never win a series there – bad, bad things, hell, FREAK things always happen.

Looked to be true again last night (I’ll direct you here for detailed commentary) save for The Neifi’s late-game heroics. The Cubs, as detailed before, have some quality pieces, yet could be competitive. However, that requires almost-perfect, or at least competent on-field management. The Cubs do not have this, and this past week has been Exhibit A. Even though they finished the week 4-3, it was precarious at best. For example, I present a phone conversation held last night between yours truly and an official friend of Mr. Faded Glory:

(I dial number, score is 3-2, Cubs due up in 7th, with Henry Blanco and Mark Prior to lead off. )

Me: Okay, so here’s what you do. Prior is done thru 6. No way Hank Blank goes 3-for-3, so you pinch-hit Matt Murton, high OBP, leadoff an inning, not a huge pressure situation, and you follow that up with Barrett. [ starting catcher ]

Friend: Okay.

Me: BUT that’s not what’s going to happen. Dusty’s going to think, hey, Hank’s hot, when, in reality, there’s no way he’s gonna get three hits in a row. Then, Dusty will send up Jose F. Macias to pinch-hit.

Friend: Laughs.
hang-up.

commercial break over.
(I dial number as Hank leads off. Cut to shot of Macias in on-deck circle).

Me: What did I tell you?

Friend: Lay off Hank. There he is, on first, with a hit. Maybe Dusty’s right.

Me: Well, maybe I’ll be proven wrong. Macias has to be bunting here. Why else would you hit him?

Friend: Double-play. First pitch. Book it.

Me: He has to be bunting.

(Macias bunts foul).

Friend: Why is he drag-bunting? We don’t need a hit. We need him to move the runner over. Why won’t Joe Morgan call him out?

Me: He’s a tool. [ either Macias or Morgan ]

(Macias bunts foul again.)

Me: Now we’re screwed. He’s gonna swing away and either K or double up. Nice thinking, Dusty.

Friend: WHY IS HE DRAG BUNTING?

(Macias grounds into DP.)

Me: This hasn’t exactly been Dusty’s best week, has it?

But, it’s all okay. Cubs take the series at Busch, 2-1, even as Cards homer Bernie Miklasz reminds the Cardinals’ moran fans that it’s unnecessary to celebrate against such a bereft organization as the Cubs. Nice phone-in column, Bern. Wasn’t that the Cardinals leaping all over the field like schoolgirls after St. Louis’ Friday night win? Did I miss that? It looked like they won a game in the World Series. Not that they would know what that feels like.

All right, so I see my ramblings are even long-winded. So that’s it for now – watch for more news on possible trades, even as idiotic as most rumored possibilities are . . .

Apparently, it’s true. The self-proclaimed worldwide leader in sports journalism has (long overdue) assigned itself an ombudsman. This is a move I heartily applaud – though with dubious fascination.

ESPN has long seemed Exhibit A in Disney Culture – offering few apparent self-checks to monitor its mistakes, excess, or self-aggrandizement. (For more on Disney management philosophy and culture in the last 20 years, I suggest you check this out – fascinating reading.) This move signals its – at least transparent – effort to legitimize more of its content, and to hopefully instill some ethical standards into an entire enterprise that seemingly has less and less.

In a business that has become much more grandstanding, arguing for the sake of arguing, and simple misreporting, hopefully Solomon can stem the tide of – at least ESPN’s – reporters’ rush to break scoops and simple misinformation.

Solomon makes a couple important points here (scroll down, past his ESPN-required chatter): he chastises the network for too much Kenny Rogers coverage; not much of a reach, he could have chastised all of talk radio for this overblown story – but also smacks ESPN’s recent coverage of Jeremy Roenick’s tirade against hostile hockey fans.

He glosses over one glaring story, in my opinion. In the last few weeks, ESPN’s Chad Ford went on-air during SportsCenter with Larry Brown’s “definite” signing as Cavaliers president, (the ESPN story is no longer visible, this one really happened a couple days after the report), which is similar to a report Friday, in which FoxSports’ Ken Rosenthal went live with a report that the Nationals had acquired Preston Wilson. Neither turned out to be true. Solomon correctly pointed out that the Worldwide Leader needs to take more pointed measures to inform viewers when stories are corrected. Hopefully, others would follow suit if changes ever occurred.

Now, there certainly may have been some grains of truth to both of those stories (Rosenthal’s apparent reported deal was tied up due to money) but too often they’re symptomatic of a rush to be first with any information, with correctness can be determined later. ESPN devoted almost a full night’s SportsCenter to Ford’s apparent scoop – which appears at the least, unfounded, even though he may have thought it a virtual certainty. And if he thought it, so did his editors, and if they thought it, well, you get the point. Which is that this starts with but shouldn’t reflect solely on Ford – greater accountability through the network would help his work and his cause.

In any case, it will be interesting to read the in-house criticisms of ESPN. There certainly is a stable of good reporters at the Leader — but too much complacency + few competitors can always breed mistakes and soft programming. We’ll certainly see how long it takes Solomon to ruffle Al Jaffe’s, Dan Patrick’s and (please please please please) Stu Scott’s feathers. Or, perhaps the whole exercise is moot, since ESPN is stealthfully moving its writers into pay-for-play status.

More to come.

And I saw it in the sky. And I thought it was the end. I thought it was the Fourth of July.

Last week marked my return to the homeland of Clear Lake, Iowa, for its annual fourth-of-july celebration. I wish I could say this involved wholesome activities such as praising our land’s great history, cookouts, parades, and fireworks, rather than involving drinking, sex, parties, hangovers, and traffic stops, but, come on, what do you want from me?

Two things stand out —

1. The state of Iowa launched itself into the 21st century by elevating its Interstate Speed Limit to 70 mph. However, they took four steps back into the 19th century, by sending all available highway patrolmen into Hamilton County (Home of inbred Webster City, and if you’re from the North Central Conference, I know you agree) and ambushing drivers going — don’t blink — 73 (SEVENTY THREE) mph — giving them all tickets. That’s what I was going. I even got to sit in a patrol car. I even chortled when they told me to drive safe. Nice way to fatten an insignificant county’s revenue stream for the entire month on July 1, by the way.

So, suffice it to say, my attorney was in the car, and I’m fighting this ridiculous ticket as a matter of personal pride as well as a matter of social policy. (Isn’t part of the function of patrolmen to, you know, patrol? To make sure Interstates 80 and 35 are safe?)

But for now, a quick note — on June 30 you could drive a safe 74 mph in Iowa, 9 (NINE!) over the limit of 65, and not get a crossways glance from a trooper. Now, however, don’t bother edging above 70, or you get a double-fine ticket. In fact, Iowa’s next bill is to mandate 70-mph cruise-control as you cross the state border from Missouri. Except for those Missourians driving their tractors, they will simply have to put down their pitchforks. And their sisters.

2. And on a lighter note, next summer’s Fourth of July will mark the Official Tenth Anniversary of Mister Faded Glory’s High School Graduation, (or if you prefer, the Official Tenth Anniversary of Mr. Faded Glory’s dismissal from National Honor Society).

However, our class president is in Iraq. Or, failing that, he’s at least a Republican. Anyway, after much discussions at the bar all weekend with former classmates, and as almost anyone on the frigging planet could have guessed, I’ve agreed to plan my 10-year reunion, or at least lead the committee to plan it. This is either a mistake of Biblical proportions by me or my class. But I’ll keep you posted as plans unfold, even though you couldn’t possibly care less. Which brings me to the final, taunting question of another posting — whose #$^%&^$ blog is this, anyway?

Actually, that line is somewhat pilfered from baseball writer and ESPN (chortle) Insider Rob Neyer during a recent chat, but I’m stealing it in order to proclaim — for myself — that the Chicago Cubs are finished for 2005 – a merciful end, as well – and better-focused on 2006. That was a fast, awful, painful, sobering week. As is any end to a baseball season, it feels like the loss of a — well, a pet. (Not a family member).

I’ve said in this space before that I knew the Cubs had many, many flaws, and whatever they could give me was fine. However, since these flaws have all come to complete and total fruition over the last week and a half, it hasn’t been any less painful.

The Cubs are a unique franchise that purports to be able to compete every season, and indeed, its GM suffers lambasting by several Chicago columnists while he may, in fact, have his eyes on years future. That was the case in the 2004-05 offseason, it will hence be the case the rest of the current season.

For example, let’s assume that 2003 was luck. 2004 was a good team that succumbed to injuries. 2005 is that luck evening out. We’re all impatient because of that whole 1908-thing, but at the end of 2005, the Cubs will have enough money and building blocks to contend in 2006 and beyond.

Yes, I know, the immediacy and wait-til-next-year mentality of the impatient sports fans precludes any excitement for those days, but the Cubs will be back. (Sider: I once had a friend who was a Royals fan scoff at Cubs’ fans “waiting till next year every year.” Well, where are the Royals at? Can’t wait for 2011, n’est-ce pas?)

Anyway, the Cubs have a deep and valuable farm system. They have four key building blocks – Derrek Lee, Aramis Ramirez, Mark Prior, and Carlos Zambrano. All four will be the center of upcoming Chicago franchises.

Tons of money comes off the Cubs’ books next season with Sosa, Grudzielanek, and others no longer stricken to Cubs’ contracts. And we’ve seen that other players will still be around to contribute in 2006. Ryan Dempster, Kerry Wood, Jerome Williams, Mike Barrett, Ronny Cedeno, and even a discounted Nomar Garciaparra will likely be back.

The rest? Well, they’re just fill-ins. Corey Patterson is wearing out his welcome, even among his personal favorite suitors. Todd Walker and Jerry Hairston are bandied about Cubs message boards as supposed saviors for an OBP-challenged offense, but neither have contributed much to the offense when given chances. Bye, bye. King Jeromy surprised, but, come on, he’s 37. Neifi and Macias? Well, maybe they will be mercifully be shown the door, too, if only because…

Dusty Baker will be let go. It has to happen. I’ve stood in his corner longer than I should have; his moves with the team are suspect, his too-aggressive swing-first mentality ridiculous. Players seem to play hard for him, but, come on. If the Cubs find some actual professionals, they won’t have to worry about the quality of motivational techniques.

I don’t think 2005 will be remembered as the year we’ve veered too far off course. It’s baseball and it’s painful to run a team, more painful to be a fan. We’re in the same boat as young, mismatched, eyes-on-the-future clubs Detroit, Oakland, and Cleveland (I’m assuming the Indians and A’s don’t have enough in the tank to overtake Minnesota) – good clubs sometimes, still getting better. At least I hope we are. It could be worse. We could be the Yankees — overpaid, overaged, oversedentary. We’ve at least got a future, even if that doesn’t include the 2005 playoffs.