For the incarnation of our 2005 Chicago Cubs, I was going to write a lengthy preview on these guys, but, well, I do not feel like it. Nothing will be said here that you won’t hear from me throughout the season, and you can find better arguments on some of my favorite sites – notably here and here. You can find similar, incredulous rants superior in humor to mine ici.
So, using today’s 25-man roster – here’s the Chicago Cubs preview, told only through the story of proposed player/official nicknames. You should be able to discern the level of optimism/pessimism from these, and if you can’t, well, then you’ve likely pinpointed my mixed expectations on the season.
By the way, I can’t remember if this has been done before or not anywhere else in the Cublogospherospace. So I’m not plagiarizing from anywhere – all nicknames are mine, even if the gimmicks are similar elsewhere. Except for a few, which I’ve picked up from rants or columns elsewhere. They are credited. So back off.
CF Corey Patterson. Lead-off Man. No one else does, because of his less-than-impressive OBP, but I have always maintained that Corey Patterson is the perfect lead-off man for the Cubs – I’m praying they keep him here, past strikeouts be damned. His name is a play on the Cubs’ longtime pregame show, as well.
2B Todd Walker. Mouth from the South. Why does Louisiana-born Todd talk too much, to all of Chicago’s insipid media, you ask? We don’t know, either..
2B Jerry Hairston. Jerry Hairston (Release 2.0.) Because for some reason, one career of Jerry Hairston wasn’t enough for Chicago.
SS Nomar Garciaparra. Nomehrr. Was Nomah in Boston, now it’s rolled with a Midwestern accent. Supply own twang if you’re from southern Iowa. (Hey, that sounds like a sign posted at keggers in Southern Iowa.)
IF Neifi Perez. Not Possible. Not a stretch – based on initials, and really, this works well – because each time Neifi gets a starting nod, Cub fans think, ‘Not Possible! Dusty’s playing him again!’
And any time he gets a hit, we’re like, ‘ Not possible! A base hit!
And any time he strikes out, we sarcastically say, ‘Oh, not possible! Neifi struck out? This just in. ‘
3B Aramis Ramirez. Ram Ram. Was going to call him the $40 million groin, but that sounds like a bad porn film. So does Ram Ram, I guess.
IF Jose Macias. Dustiny’s Child. He plays, pinch-hits, and enters all games, for some unknown reason.
1B Derrek Lee. The General. Self-explanatory, though I want it on record that I hate all Dukes-of-Hazzard-related material.
OF Todd Hollandsworth. Mr.Hollandsworth’s Opus. Yeah, I know that’s weak, but, well, read the medical reports. So is Todd.
OF Jeromy Burnitz. King Jeromy the Wicked. Stolen from Joe Posnanski’s title for Jeremy Affeldt, but this nickname is absolutely perfect. For short, we’ll confer on him the title – KJTW.
OF Jason Dubois. Blanche. Ever seen A Streetcar Named Desire, featuring Blanche Dubois, the main character? I’ve only seen The Simpsons’ version, and I know Jason’s Dubois is pronounced “Dew-boyz,” but, come on. This one works.
C Michael Barrett. Grin and. I was going to name him Wrona, because years ago the Cubs had a catcher named Rick Wrona, and he finally made the bigs.
Announcer Thom Brennaman spurled a long anecdote during an at-bat, detailing Wrona’s quest to finally make the Show – and he ended with the tongue-in-cheek sentence – ‘I guess the question is, ‘Can Wrona bear it?’ as Steve Stone groaned in pain. I didn’t get it then, and I still don’t now, but it’s stuck with me. Moving on.
C Henry Blanco. Hank White. (all credit to Desipio, and I’m not going to stray from this). See here.
P Carlos Zambrano. Z. Z-man, Z-mail, I’m open here.
P Greg Maddux. General Motors. Because he takes a long time to warm up and, oh forget it.
P Kerry Wood. Into the Flood Again. Because no matter what, even if he looks great – there’s always a chance that the walks, hit batters, and meltdowns will occur. A lyric from the Alice in Chains song Would?’
P Mark Prior. The Franchise. (Desipio). Self-explanatory.
P Ryan Dempster. The Ryan Dempster Experiment. I’m still pissed we didn’t sign Jon Lieber. Or keep Matt Clement. Anyway, here’s TRDE – can Rothschild work his magic again?
RP Jon Leicester. Square. You know, in London?
RP Michael Wuertz. Could Be. Har har.
RP LaTroy Hawkins. Oh, the Guilt! Because he always blows a save, he has to know that no one really thinks he can finish off a game any more, yet somehow the Cubs keep trotting his addled conscience out there.
RP Joe Borowski. Sloppy Joe. If you’ve ever seen him pitch…
RP Mike Remlinger. Grizzly. Look at him.
RP Chad Fox. Stupid Like a. We’ll see how this one pans out. Don’t really know him yet.
RP Cliff Bartosh. Bartosh kosh B’gosh. I’m still chuckling.
RP Glendon Rusch. Working Man. Back when I was a recorder for my beloved fraternity, I consistently listed the meeting reports of the Rush chair as some inane phrase from a terrible Rush song. Wait, that shit’s secret! Oh, gosh. I’m going to burn for that.
P Sergio Mitre. The Meat Tray. (desipio.)
Pitching coach Larry Rothschild – Lar-ry. * must be chanted mockingly.
Manager Dusty Baker – Keith David. If you’ve ever seen the psycho janitor guy from Men at Work, you know Dusty is his spitting image.
Bench coach Dick Pole. Snicker.
1B coach Gary Matthews. Whoosh. Because he used to be the hitting coach for a team that did nothing but strike out.
Batting coach Gene Clines. – Unlearner. He is hopefully trying to fix Gary’s mess.
3B coach Chris Speiers – For Greatness. I got nothing here.
GM Jim Hendry – The Miracle Worker. Seriously, he deserves it still for that Todd Hundley trade.
Andy MacPhail. What? There’s a game today?
Anyway. Back to more inane stuff tomorrow or Saturday. Go Cubs.
