Mister Faded Glory | misterfadedglory.com

Have it.

Like some other folks, my life often outstrips my writing. Not to mention that I have certain other writing projects (nudge, wink, nod.) that take up my time. What, you thought all I had was this cockamamie web site? For shame. Luckily, none of these other options pay.

(in case you can’t tell, I’m talking about my novel. I’m taking votes for random endings that fit to any plot I’ve come up with. You’re welcome to post ideas in the comments. In fact, I’ll give you a co-author credit once my book sells. )

I’m adjourning for the week after a hectic Friday, go Cubs, go Nuggets, go CP, go ‘Melo, go Me, go home. Later.

I know, you’re furrowing your brow, attempting in vain to understand why on earth I spent Friday sneering at a weekend full of sports, and now spending Monday talking about it. Ah, the paradox that is Mister Faded Glory.

As it were, I attempted to spend a quiet weekend at home, and for the most part, I did, imbibing on all the sports featured around the dial. I was going to finish the weekend with Sunday’s first Cubs game in the post-Latroy era – however, I was foiled again (!) by a select few official in-laws of Mister Faded Glory, dropping by for an unexpected visit.

Now, I may be a scrooge, but I detest company on Sundays. It is and always has been, a day in which I like to retreat into solitude. I don’t care for the outside world, especially when it arrives at my doorstep with no advance warning. God himself (or herself) could show up outside my door on a Sunday afternoon, and I would tell him that I’m busy. If it was during a Cubs game, I wouldn’t even answer.

Suffice it to say that my mood didn’t improve after trips with the in-laws to the mall or Wal-Mart. Oh, I’m awful, I know. I’m like this with my own family, too, so it’s not just an extended commentary about a man and his in-laws.

I believe it was Alex P. Keaton, who, on an episode of Family Ties, put it so succinctly: “When I grow up, I’m going to live in a huge house. With a high fence, to keep out poor relatives.” Well, that’s me. Except I’m already poor, so I just plan to keep out all relatives.

1. The NFL Draft

I watched three hours of this on Saturday. What drama! What intrigue! I’d find a way to make fun of it, but I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Still, I never understand the philosophy that permeates teams’ war rooms in the NFL (and in the NBA) Draft. I don’t understand how combine and draft camp all-stars rise up the board at the last minute. How can Troy Williamson all of a sudden be considered a better receiver than Mike Williams?

How is Alex Smith really any better of a QB than Kyle Orton? And how is he number-one, over can’t-miss RB “Downtown” Ronnie Brown? (Or “Bad, bad” Ronnie Brown). So many questions. And get ready, sit back, because now the NFL pundits will be more than ready to hand out report cards for drafting. Because, of course, we need instant feedback on the draft. And, of course, they know how all choices will pan out in the immediate and distant future.

2. LaTroy

So I’m an eternal optimist. I refuse to look at the managerial failures and the lack of patience at the plate as dooming the Cubs’ entire season already. However, Saturday afternoon I wondered, exactly, what Latroy Hawkins had to do to lose his closer’s job. Was it:

(a) Embark upon a city-wide killing spree?
(b) Sleep with Dusty Baker’s wife?
(c) Torture Dusty Baker’s son?
(d) Or maim Dusty Baker’s other sons – Jose Macias and Neifi Perez?

I had my answer by the end of Saturday, which was (mercifully) (e) Blow his 784th save as Cubs closer. Note to Cubs management: This guy never was a closer. Now he’s ruined as anything. Get him out, as fast as you can. He’s toast.

3. My Denver Nuggets

I doubt that it included any fanfare whatsoever, but with the purchase of a light-blue Denver Nuggets T-shirt last spring, I anointed them as the official favorite NBA team of Mr. Faded Glory. Last night, the upstart Nuggs (I see an old roommate of mine laughing hysterically at that term) defeated the plodding Spurs, and I was intrigued by one matchup in particular. Tim Duncan vs. Marcus Camby.

In ye olden days of 1996, Marcus and Tim were two of the best college basketball players on the planet, Marcus at UMass and Tim at Wake Forest. The two teams played monumental early-season match-ups simply to highlight the two players — once in 1994, and again in 1995 – with Marcus besting Tim both times. The lithe Camby was simply more athletic than Duncan, and seemingly was able to be physical with Tim in ways that others couldn’t. Camby entered the draft after his junior season and a Final Four appearance, while Duncan finished out his senior year.

Fast-forward to 2005, when the two have traveled very different careers. The oft-injured Camby was the first-ever pick of the Toronto Raptors, doomed to failure in Canada by Isiah Thomas, and shipped off to the Knicks to compete with 17 other power forwards. The Knicks, frustrated with his injuries, shipped him off to Denver, and only in the second half of this season has he finally been used to his ability – a shot-blocking, athletic defensive forward, perhaps the sixth offensive option on the team. (Note to Hakim Warrick – this is your role. Learn it.)

Duncan is headed to the Hall, but Camby dusted off some Umass-era Marcus last night, bodying Tim up, blocking shots, and eventually scoring the game winner. You could almost feel redemption flowing through his veins after he forced Duncan into a key miss, tipped a rebound out to his point, and fell to the floor, beating his chest.

I may be the only one who remembers how Duncan’s seemingly greatest hurdle in college was just keeping up with his nemesis, Marcus Camby – but the two were reminded of years past last night. Could be a great series. Round one to Marcus – just like old times.

I don’t know why I struggle for blog entries yet return to sports. It must be boring for my dozens of readers – but honestly, sports is pretty boring right now. Consider what’s going on, currently appearing on your TV this weekend:

1. The NFL Draft

Premise: A detailed science in evaluating players, and selecting the precisely tailored components that enable an NFL Team to properly make a Super Bowl run. According to 17 different heads and 45 stat bars on ESPN, it’s fascinating television!

Reality: Today’s “collegiate” athletes leave the NCAA farm system to become tomorrow’s prima donnas, children of the hype-spewing NFL.

Importance: If you’re a mouth-breathing NFL fan, you no doubt are spending the entire weekend in front of your TV parked in a Priest Holmes jersey, checking off a mock draft, and hoping that you find some bizarre diamond in the rough. Of course, you on your coach would know about it, since you have no doubt seen all these players in person and accurately measured them, not only on skill, but also on personality traits.

Importance according to ESPN: This is more important than a Stump the Schwab marathon, but less important than the birth of Christ.

2. The NBA Playoffs:
Premise: Solid, finely-tuned athletes turn up their intensity to reach the ultimate pinnacle in sports – the NBA title.

Reality: Teams attempt to mask the decline of talent in the NBA and dunk their way to a title, in the process missing 4,378 free throws. Pre-post-er-ous, according to Bill Walton.

Importance: None, until at least June. Or whenever the hell 12 teams are eliminated.

Importance according to ESPN: You’ll hear a lot about how the absence of Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, and LeBron James will ruin this year’s playoffs. Since 98 percent of sports fans hate Kobe, sports fans are fed up with KG’s teammates, and LeBron would have been out in four games – the absences won’t even be noticed.

Better to focus your attention on (A) Shaquille O’Neal, possible greatest NBA player of all time, (B) Allen Iverson, possibly the NBA’s most popular player and (C) Tim Duncan, possible greatest power forward of all time.

(There’s my hype, and trust me, there’s more truth to that than some jackass talking head on ESPN pandering to players just so he can get choice quotes like “Lebron’s mama don’t like Cleveland,” and belittle non-marquee players, feeling as though he’s one of the boys, rather than a 40-year-old caricature of a reporter. ESPN coverage of the NBA is atrocious, and in my opinion, the prime factor in the slide of the NBA in recent years. )

3. Golf and NASCAR.
Not even going to waste my time. Neither are sports, both are games. Argue with me later.

4. Cubs baseball
Premise: With no access to Comcast, I only have access to games on WGN. But, like I’ve said before – a no-hit, poorly-coached team attempts to conquer their demons and their coaches en route to some sort successful season.

Reality: A coaching staff which operates with extreme hubris continues to take a team with considerable talent and misuse it to horrific standards. Also, a franchise shells out millions of dollars to a head-case third baseman who grounds into more first-pitch double plays than the entire 1987 Cub roster.

Importance: Extreme. I’m bitter and frustrated, but these are the players we’ve got, and I’m fine with nearly all of them IF THEY WOULD JUST TAKE A DAMN PITCH INSTEAD OF SWINGING AT EVERYTHING. Cub hitting coaches know this isn’t T-ball, right?

What Cub fans are not fine with, is that the manager refuses to listen to any other opinions and continues to bumble his way through his term in Chicago – often making decisions contrary to any common sense, just on the off-chance that, if they work out, it will seem bold and visionary – whereas when they don’t, it reeks of arrogance and pettiness. Hey, just like the White House!

Well, here we are.

The trenches of the NL Central.

Two weeks in and I have yet to post how I think this slugfest of a division will shake out. Not only is this because I am deathly afraid of the karma that results regardless of where I pick the Cubs – but it’s also because I really, truly have no idea how this division will turn. Since there’s no sublime here, simply consider the preposterous:

Last year the St. Louis Cardinals won more than 100 games, in every nauseating and stomach-churning way possible. They did this with a starting staff that included Matt Morris, Chris Carpenter, Jason Marquis, and the dusted-off corpse of Jeff Suppan. Those same four jerkstores are in the rotation this year. Who is still a believer?

In addition, the Cards have gone from having the best defense in the infield to simply a mediocre one. Scott Rolen makes everyone better, but in reality, is their infield really so much better than the Cubs’, anchored by their defensive stalwart, Derrek Lee?

The Chicago Cubs, however, seemed to lose every nauseating and gut-wrenching way imaginable last season, but actually fielded (arguably) the third best team in the NL.

This year, they seemingly will improve with a full season of The Franchise and Into the Flood Again, but, alas, the same problems that have plagued the PG (Post-Grace, i.e., Current era in which players actually care about winning and not about how much cigarettes they smoke) era Cubs:

Speaking of teams that can’t hit, Cincinnati is not one of them. The Reds have always had four players for those three outfield spots, and have shipped two good ones out (Juan Encarnacion, Jose Guillen) while steadfastly refusing to move Adam Dunn to first and trade overrated – yet good, relax, I know he’s a nice guy – hometown hero Sean Casey. Wily Mo Pena figures to get squeezed out of plenty of ABs, and it would be nice to see him in Cub blue. (PLEA MADE FOR THE FOURTH YEAR IN A ROW).

That said, Cincy has enough pop – in my opinion – to win enough games head-to-head in this league to contend. If Kearns, Pena, and Dunn are healthy all season – then, look out.

Houston, we have a problem. (Nice, I know.) That problem is that the combined age of the Astros is approaching six figures. Clemens and Pettitte and Oswalt will keep the ship afloat, and Lidge can close, but the Astros’ offense doesn’t figure to scare anyone. Until Berkman gets back, they’re a bunch of spare parts – and even he can’t carry the load by himself.

Milwaukee has potential to be frustratingly good. They don’t swing at anything. Brady Clark may walk 300 times this year, and Lyle Overbay and Carlos Lee are good enough to knock him in more than 100 times. Their bullpen is solid, and they even have three fairly good starters — Ben Sheets, Doug Davis, and Victor Santos (L. Halper). If the kids come around, they could surprise some people.

And, of course, Pittsburgh. If Lloyd McClendon wasn’t criminally insane before he got this job, he likely is by now. They’re no good, and management has no interest in making them better. Which is too bad, because PNC Park is a great ballfield. Now, how soon can we get lefty batter Matt Lawton into Chicago’s North Side?

For the incarnation of our 2005 Chicago Cubs, I was going to write a lengthy preview on these guys, but, well, I do not feel like it. Nothing will be said here that you won’t hear from me throughout the season, and you can find better arguments on some of my favorite sites – notably here and here. You can find similar, incredulous rants superior in humor to mine ici.

So, using today’s 25-man roster – here’s the Chicago Cubs preview, told only through the story of proposed player/official nicknames. You should be able to discern the level of optimism/pessimism from these, and if you can’t, well, then you’ve likely pinpointed my mixed expectations on the season.

By the way, I can’t remember if this has been done before or not anywhere else in the Cublogospherospace. So I’m not plagiarizing from anywhere – all nicknames are mine, even if the gimmicks are similar elsewhere. Except for a few, which I’ve picked up from rants or columns elsewhere. They are credited. So back off.

CF Corey Patterson. Lead-off Man. No one else does, because of his less-than-impressive OBP, but I have always maintained that Corey Patterson is the perfect lead-off man for the Cubs – I’m praying they keep him here, past strikeouts be damned. His name is a play on the Cubs’ longtime pregame show, as well.

2B Todd Walker. Mouth from the South. Why does Louisiana-born Todd talk too much, to all of Chicago’s insipid media, you ask? We don’t know, either..

2B Jerry Hairston. Jerry Hairston (Release 2.0.) Because for some reason, one career of Jerry Hairston wasn’t enough for Chicago.

SS Nomar Garciaparra. Nomehrr. Was Nomah in Boston, now it’s rolled with a Midwestern accent. Supply own twang if you’re from southern Iowa. (Hey, that sounds like a sign posted at keggers in Southern Iowa.)

IF Neifi Perez. Not Possible. Not a stretch – based on initials, and really, this works well – because each time Neifi gets a starting nod, Cub fans think, ‘Not Possible! Dusty’s playing him again!’
And any time he gets a hit, we’re like, ‘ Not possible! A base hit!
And any time he strikes out, we sarcastically say, ‘Oh, not possible! Neifi struck out? This just in. ‘

3B Aramis Ramirez. Ram Ram. Was going to call him the $40 million groin, but that sounds like a bad porn film. So does Ram Ram, I guess.

IF Jose Macias. Dustiny’s Child. He plays, pinch-hits, and enters all games, for some unknown reason.

1B Derrek Lee. The General. Self-explanatory, though I want it on record that I hate all Dukes-of-Hazzard-related material.

OF Todd Hollandsworth. Mr.Hollandsworth’s Opus. Yeah, I know that’s weak, but, well, read the medical reports. So is Todd.

OF Jeromy Burnitz. King Jeromy the Wicked. Stolen from Joe Posnanski’s title for Jeremy Affeldt, but this nickname is absolutely perfect. For short, we’ll confer on him the title – KJTW.

OF Jason Dubois. Blanche. Ever seen A Streetcar Named Desire, featuring Blanche Dubois, the main character? I’ve only seen The Simpsons’ version, and I know Jason’s Dubois is pronounced “Dew-boyz,” but, come on. This one works.

C Michael Barrett. Grin and. I was going to name him Wrona, because years ago the Cubs had a catcher named Rick Wrona, and he finally made the bigs.
Announcer Thom Brennaman spurled a long anecdote during an at-bat, detailing Wrona’s quest to finally make the Show – and he ended with the tongue-in-cheek sentence – ‘I guess the question is, ‘Can Wrona bear it?’ as Steve Stone groaned in pain. I didn’t get it then, and I still don’t now, but it’s stuck with me. Moving on.

C Henry Blanco. Hank White. (all credit to Desipio, and I’m not going to stray from this). See here.

P Carlos Zambrano. Z. Z-man, Z-mail, I’m open here.

P Greg Maddux. General Motors. Because he takes a long time to warm up and, oh forget it.

P Kerry Wood. Into the Flood Again. Because no matter what, even if he looks great – there’s always a chance that the walks, hit batters, and meltdowns will occur. A lyric from the Alice in Chains song Would?’

P Mark Prior. The Franchise. (Desipio). Self-explanatory.

P Ryan Dempster. The Ryan Dempster Experiment. I’m still pissed we didn’t sign Jon Lieber. Or keep Matt Clement. Anyway, here’s TRDE – can Rothschild work his magic again?

RP Jon Leicester. Square. You know, in London?

RP Michael Wuertz. Could Be. Har har.

RP LaTroy Hawkins. Oh, the Guilt! Because he always blows a save, he has to know that no one really thinks he can finish off a game any more, yet somehow the Cubs keep trotting his addled conscience out there.

RP Joe Borowski. Sloppy Joe. If you’ve ever seen him pitch…

RP Mike Remlinger. Grizzly. Look at him.

RP Chad Fox. Stupid Like a. We’ll see how this one pans out. Don’t really know him yet.

RP Cliff Bartosh. Bartosh kosh B’gosh. I’m still chuckling.

RP Glendon Rusch. Working Man. Back when I was a recorder for my beloved fraternity, I consistently listed the meeting reports of the Rush chair as some inane phrase from a terrible Rush song. Wait, that shit’s secret! Oh, gosh. I’m going to burn for that.

P Sergio Mitre. The Meat Tray. (desipio.)

Pitching coach Larry Rothschild – Lar-ry. * must be chanted mockingly.

Manager Dusty Baker – Keith David. If you’ve ever seen the psycho janitor guy from Men at Work, you know Dusty is his spitting image.

Bench coach Dick Pole. Snicker.

1B coach Gary Matthews. Whoosh. Because he used to be the hitting coach for a team that did nothing but strike out.

Batting coach Gene Clines. – Unlearner. He is hopefully trying to fix Gary’s mess.

3B coach Chris Speiers – For Greatness. I got nothing here.

GM Jim Hendry – The Miracle Worker. Seriously, he deserves it still for that Todd Hundley trade.

Andy MacPhail. What? There’s a game today?

Anyway. Back to more inane stuff tomorrow or Saturday. Go Cubs.

Here we go, headlong into the division of Braves and, in theory, also-rans, year after year. However, what you never hear mentioned on TBS is that though the Braves have won 14 straight division titles, the Marlins have won more World Series titles than Atlanta during that span – and they weren’t even around for the beginning of the Atlanta streak.

To wit, Atlanta’s run of “x” straight division titles conveniently includes their first division titles, begun in 1991 – when the Braves were members of the illustrious NL West, featuring the Dodgers, Giants, Reds, Astros, and Padres. Pretty sure it wouldn’t have shaken out the same if the divisions had remained the same, or if the change had been in effect since 1991. Anyway, it all bears a mention.

1. Florida Marlins

Ridiculous: Jack McKeon is on the verge of verifiable senility — but he’s still the manager of this ragtag bunch of misfits. (Or how you’re supposed to think of them.)

Sublime: They’ve added moody Carlos Delgado to provide more pop to an already-dangerous lineup. However, they will still somehow try and play the “underdog” card, even though they may be the best team in the National League. The lineup has players – Juan Pierre, Carlos Delgado, Miguel Cabrera, Mike Lowell, Luis Castillo, Paul Lo Duca, Juan Encarnacion – and talented pitchers – Josh “Oh, hey, it’s 2005. Maybe I can show up now.” Beckett and A.J. Burnett, and even Guillermo Mota to dominate from the pen. The sky is the limit.

2. Philadelphia Phillies

Ridiculous: If, somehow, for some reason, the problem the last three seasons wasn’t Larry Bowa, then, well, the Phans will Pheel a bit miphphed.

Sublime: Been high on these guys for three seasons, even if prospects I thought would be lights-out weren’t exactly worldbeaters. (Brandon Duckworth? Marlon Byrd? Brett Myers?)

Jim Thome, Jon Lieber, Billy Wagner, and Bob Abreu are all gamers. They should score enough runs this season if Pat Burrell can return to form (Again, hopefully Bowa was the problem), and hopefully that can balance out a questionable pitching staff and a homer-friendly ballpark.

3. Atlanta Braves

Ridiculous: Is it hubris or penny-pinching when Brian Jordan and Raul Mondesi are signed to play the corner outfielders? Rest assured, Andruw Jones will still be peddling his act of flashy catches, and will likely somehow still fall short of the Cubs’ Corey Patterson in all batting and fielding statistics – yet Andruw will easily earn his 87th gold glove. There’s no justice.

Sublime: I’m just not too high on the Braves’ lineup, only one regular really would drive me crazy as a pitcher – Marcus Giles – and he’s often hurt. Tim Hudson is okay, to wit, all their starters are okay – but I’m not a believer in John Smoltz as a starter, even if he is an affable guy. Also, Danny F. Kolb is the luckiest closer ever. Expect a regression to the mean (AAGH! SABR-term! Somebody VORP me!)

4. Washington Nationals

Ridiculous: The name. It’s annoying, that just because of its location in the nation’s capital, somehow a legislative name has to be incorporated – just to make it easier to sell to the fatcats around. What they should do is nickname the team something equally as offensive as the local football team’s name – something like Americans.

Sublime: Some pieces I like – Nick Johnson, Jose Vidro, Brad Wilkerson – but most I don’t (Everyone else).

I think they may get a bump from a move to D.C. Oh, stop laughing. that idea isn’t out of left field (chortle), and expect the stability of a home to help the players put up some career years. Not sound logic, but, speaking of unsound logic ….

5. New York Mets

Ridiculous: You can like the pieces all you want, and for a team that needed to take the next step, signings of Carlos Beltran and Doug Mientkiewvicz may put a team over the top.

But the rest of the Mess can’t field, their bullpen is awful – and how can they really expect more than 5 innings a start from Pedro, Tom Glavine, or Kris Benson? All past their prime or overrated. This ship’s in trouble.

Sublime: One of these years they keep hoping to somehow open up their wallets and fall into a Series title. The Marlins did it in 1997.

But, after watching Cliff Floyd misplay a few flyballs, Pedro skip 10 starts, and an overworked bullpen give up a few games – then maybe, maybe the Mets will learn to finally start over. Oh, how we miss the days of Benny Agbayani.

Once again, you can expect to see baseball preview part 5 coming tomorrow. Don’t expect it to address:

But finally, today, a TV movie is brewing up in the Pac-Northwest.

Now, I’m no lawyer, (I even flunked out of law school – the official scuttled former profession of MFG) but I’m pretty sure that this is a more egregious violation of some or all state bars than a two-year suspension of a license.

If you’ve seen movies like The Jagged Edge, Body of Evidence, Physical Evidence, etc., you know that this is a faux-campy storyline that movies play to the hilt – the innocent defendant seduces the unassuming advocate. (See JE’s tagline — When a murder case is this shocking, which do you trust… your emotions or the evidence? Yeesh. Barf.)

However, when the gruesome details hit the fan in real life, one finds that the plot is just that – gruesome. Anyway, with a working title of “Hug Gone Bad,” expect to see this on NBC opposite CBS’ Final Four telecasts, when the network clearly gives up.

If the pattern held, I’d launch into the NL Central today. However, I’m frustrated beyond belief at the performance of the Cubs at the hands of Arizona and Milwaukee — two B-league teams who feast on the Cubs for numerous inexplicable reasons. Don’t believe me? Victor Santos, Chris Capuano, and Brandon Webb are a combined 21-0 with a 0.87 ERA against Chicago. OK, I made that up. But I would have believed it, after watching the Cubs revert to 2004 during opening week.

Anyway, the NL West today — seemingly the worst division in baseball.

1. San Diego Padres

Ridiculous: The Padres have taken a step back because of their negative uniform karma. That navy blue with weird banana-brown combo is enough to make anyone retch — but it pales in comparison with their godawful camouflage alternates. Yeesh.

Sublime: Still, their young players are slowly but surely turning into contributors — Khalil Greene, Xavier Nady, Jake Peavy — to name a few — and they’ve managed to steal some exceptional players (Roberto Hernandez) and hold onto veterans that continue to play hard and produce (Trevor Hoffman). In a weak division, I like them to emerge when the dust settles.

2. Los Angeles Dodgers

Ridiculous: When the Dodgers hired wunderkind Moneyball-inspired GM Paul DePodesta as their general manager, I told my dad (a lifelong Dodger fan) to expect a world title in 5 years. Well, if I could backtrack on that — I know DePo may have a plan, but good god. Some of these signings make the Cubs’ Ryan Dempster experiment look downwright genius. Consider:

The plateauing, oft-injured J.D. Drew? 5 years, 100 million dollars. (or something)
The contract-year playoff-hero Derek Lowe? 3 years, 30 millions. (Again, I know I’m close. It’s too much for DL.)
Any viable offensive contributor from last season? Gone. (Lo Duca, Beltre, Finley, Green.)
Expected to replace them? Hee Seop “Swing at a curve and miss badly” Choi.
Any prospects gained in these deals? Not really, from my perspective. He may yet prove me wrong, sure, but you see what Dodger fans deal with from the outset.

The sublime: Up-and-down, I think they have the same Dodger team from years past, just swapping spare parts for similar players. They also have a belief in Choi that befuddles me — the guy is 26. He can’t play. Remember, they throw curves in the majors.

3. San Francisco Giants

The ridiculous: They’re always good. Even with AARP cards in tow, the Giants can stay competitive this season.

The sublime: Each year the Giants win, but they serve as one of the most boring teams in baseball, so I could really care less. By the way, an outfield defense of Marquis Grissom, Barry Bonds, and Moises (slowest man alive) Alou could rival the worst outfields of all time. Can you imagine these three playing at Petco? The Padres may score 200 runs in a home series.

4. Arizona Diamondbacks

The ridiculous: One second they’re bankrupt, the next they’re overpaying for Troy Glaus and Russ Ortiz. Which is it? And if a damn team like this, with stupid fonts for uniform numbers, can find some extra money in the offseason, well, then why the hell can’t the Cubs sign Carlos Beltran?

The sublime: These guys are Cub killers. I just watched the opening series, and the DBags played dominating baseball against the Cubs, after an opening-day shellacking. Sigh. Welcome to my hell.

5. Colorado Rockies

The ridiculous: More than anyone, they have absolutely no idea what they are doing as a franchise. They like to conveniently blame the climate in Coors Field as their crutch for failing to ever improve the team every single season. On the flip side, saw a game at Coors last year — and the park is great. Why people don’t go to these games, I’ll never know. Wait, what’s that? Oh, yeah, it’s because the team sucks.

The sublime: A uniform change is in order for the Rox. After tempting the sports gods with an uninspired logo, then further tempting with hideous garish purple alternate jerseys — I think the uniform change would reverse their losing fortune. And, if you think I’m being ridiculous — this is the team that locked up Denny Neagle, Mike Hampton, and Preston Wilson long ago. Yeah, I’m not so stupid now, right?

We have a winner of the Official Tourney Pool of MFG, and it’s none other than — well, Mister Faded Glory. Congrats to me, I won this pool, also placed third in another – which almost makes up for the 20 I dropped on my big-money pool, only to watch Wake, ‘Cuse and UConn all stumble before the third round and spur my last-place finish. In any case, you will be able to view a guest column from me shortly, unfortunately, it won’t be distinguishable from my regular columns – all of which are long, wordy, and feature too much parentheses and italics. Lucky you!

Yesterday, in Kansas, the red-state folks rubber-stamped another quasi-Constitutional law – banning gay marriage in this (un)fair state. I’m not going to bother to dissect why this is a ridiculous law in any state, why it is likely unconstitutional, nor why faith should play nearly zero part in decisions such as this. Instead, again, my thinking, as a heterosexual, white, married, agnostic male, when confronted with the spectre of legal gay marriage:

1. So, am I forced to marry another man?
2. No? Well, then, why would I care one way or the other?

Still, the foreclosure of other humans to enjoy their lives to the fullest – to prohibit marriage if they so choose, simply because of orientation – well, it doesn’t sit well. Not to me, and it’s a shame that it’s easily reconciled by others.

And, finally, Tool and A Perfect Circle aren’t breaking up after all, or after reporting another April Fool’s Joke — that Maynard had found Jesus. Whew, that was a scary five seconds.

More baseball previews coming soon. See you then.

1. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Ridiculous: Far be it forme to stray from a point beaten into the ground by sports columnists everywhere, but, what is it with Anaheim, that the city insists on these reverse, faux-elegant names? And why couldn’t they have simply renamed the franchise Los Angels. No city, just a Spanglish name. Yes, I know it’s stupid.

Sublime: A lot of flaws plague the four teams in this mini-division, which should be the most competitive in all of baseball. An aged Steve Finley and an overrated Orlando Cabrera don’t really improve the Angels, but they don’t exactly hurt, either. Young Angels players typically are ready to step in when called upon (Quinlan, Kotchman, McPherson, Figgins) and the starters are serviceable, bolstered by a phenomenal bullpen, which would give any smart, run-producing lineup a chance. They should emerge from the dust here.

2. Texas Rangers

Ridiculous: Their pitching staff is always atrocious, a plan that doesn’t seem to be improving anytime soon. It’s always a gamble to run Kenny Rogers out there, and Chan Ho Park is somehow still ensconced in the rotation.

Sublime: Still, the bullpen is fairly solid, to help make up for the terrible starters. And, really, The Ballpark is a hitters’ paradise, and these kids can mash. They’re all young, they all hit, and, pray tell, just what was Captain Rod afraid of here? Being overshadowed by Mark Teixeira or Hank Blalock? We’ll never know. (Good, thinks Buck Showalter.)

3. Oakland A’s.

Ridiculous: No matter what, baseball pundits completely defer to the moves of Billy Beane, even if they reek of overconfidence or a desire simply to paint with bold strokes and prove himself a genius, rather than improving a team piece by piece. If you asked Billy to pour a cup of coffee, he would immediately hire a construction crew and craft some Rube-Goldberg-like apparatus to piece-by-piece craft and pour a cup, then demand your praise.

If you would have asked me which player from the lights-out 2001 squad I would have kept, I would have said Tejada. He chose Chavez. Meh, what do I know? I did like the move of trading off Hudson and Mulder before both entered the downside and while their values were at their peak, however. It just may not come to fruition this season.

Sublime: Rich Harden, welcome to life as a savior. Good luck with that. The offense isn’t built to score tons of runs, but should be more than adequate. I just don’t have enough confidence in the back of the rotation, nor in their bullpen. Up and down, it’s a lot of players I like, but none who are not necessarily going to strike fear in anyone’s heart, especially Chavez, who isn’t exactly overrated, but he’s definitely not underrated. Third place wouldn’t be bad in this division, it may be possible for all four teams to have winning records.

4. Seattle

Ridiculous: You know what ridiculous is? The Yankees’ and Twins’ divisions. I mean, come on, say the voices from Seattle. Also, Adrian Beltre was the poster child for “Big Contract Year followed by huge drop-off for all time.” Also, the newly svelte Bret Boone will be denying coincidences all season. Get in line.

Sublime: Another big-hit, no-pitch lineup. The difference between Seattle and Oakland or Texas is that Seattle’s rotation is unbelievably bad. Joel Piniero, their Number-4 starter masquerading as Number-1, is hurt. It’s got to get better, but, yeep. Jamie Moyer is older than my dad. (Not really). The lone shining star is Ichiro, who may need to hit .400 or the Mariners could be sunk.

However, I did notice that Ichiro is now eradicating any case of his first (sur)name Suzuki from all media – WGN’s stat bar called him just “Ichiro” last Sunday. Like Cher, Madonna, and Nene. It is the little things that can make a season, you know.