Mister Faded Glory | misterfadedglory.com

If you’re a Pearl Jam fan, you’ll recognize the pirated lyrics (Faithfull) that make up the title of this post. If you’re a PJ fan, you’re also likely not reading this blog.

Anyway, I just realized it’s OPENING DAY on Monday. Where the hell have I been? And so, if you’re tuning in expecting to see a lengthy diatribe on the state of the Cubs, well, it’s coming. If you’re also ready for a tour around the majors, then I can provide that as well. Coming early next week.

I know, I know, I shouldn’t do that. Some of my audience may think I’m writing about Phish. Or the Philadelphia Phillies. And, to top it off, it’s not phunny — but guess what? Je m’en fiche!

We’re set for the Heads Tourney Final Four — and it’s a good one. To start off we have the upstart battery-powered GUS JOHNSON vs. the immortal BILL RAFTERY.

And, well, while Gus has had an outstanding tourney run (“Takes a picture and hits the three!”) and even used his high-pitched tenor yell to add excitement to some moribund first-round games, and even breathed life into Len Elmore — he’s out here, Raff is just too tough.

If you saw any of the men’s NIT this week (and I did. Sex and the City was on last night, so I retreated into my bedroom while Ms. FG checked it out. Interestingly enough, a night graced by Sex and the City rarely means Sex in My City. But I digress.) Anyway, if you saw any of the men’s NIT this week — you got to catch Bill Raftery. Not sure if he even cared about the games, he’s using them as a foundation to bounce new material off of us! Though Takin’ it … to the tin and Onions! are classics, surely they can use more companions. Raff is in the finals (What are the odds he wins, and you picked it after the first seedings? Pretty good?)

We all know how Billy Packer rates, here, there, and everywhere. And I can see Billy moving onto the finals, past the excitable Kellogg. However, Special K has him neck-and-neck, down to the wire, because of this. I know, I think it’s as stupid as you do. However, Packer’s intentional abrasiveness to everyone but Duke and Tubby Smith and a select other few rubs even some players the wrong way. Sparks is an overrated POS, but what the hell is Billy doing, even acknowledging him, or slapping him five? If some jackass from Kentucky is pissed about you calling his failures, then rise above it. Be a damn professional. Anyway — can we get Gus in here to call the final minute?

“UNDER A MINUTE LEFT, AND BILLY JUST CHUNKED TWO FREE THROWS. SPECIAL K INTO THE FRONT COURT, HE DOESN’T APPEAR TO KNOW WHERE HE’S GOING, INSTEAD, HE’S STARING AT GREG GUMBEL, NOT AT US! PACKER STEALS IT! LOOKING BACK, HE QUICKLY TRIES TO TELL CLARK THAT SHELDEN WILLIAMS WILL BE THE NUMBER ONE PICK IN THE DRAFT! FUMING, CLARK RACES UPCOURT, AND SWATS PACKER’S SHOT!

I DON’T BELIEVE THIS, HE’S YELLING AT BILLY! SOMETHING ABOUT THE BIG TEN GETTING ITS DUE, BECAUSE IT’S IRRELEVANT TO BASE CONFERENCE REGULAR-SEASON SUCCESS ON THE TOURNEY, AND HE’S RIGHT! TIME RUNS OUT!

SPECIAL K WINS, OH MY GOSH! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! KELLOGG IS GOIN’ TO THE FINALS! LENNY, HELP ME OUT HERE.”

“Gus, a novel win. However, neither player was impressive. Clark couldn’t even play post. By the way, did you know Seth Davis used to be a comedian? Process that, my friend.”

Finals upcoming.

Back from the doldrums of faux-holiday weekend. Was in a bit of a slump, true – and it’s weird how something unforeseen can bring you out of a current rut. However, I’m back at work again – so the rut could be forthcoming. Stay tuned.

In any case – the weekend’s Elite Eight games may have saved this tournament from obscure mediocrity in college basketball’s annals. In fact, it may have even elevated the tournament into rarified status. At any rate, the games were a lot of fun — even though I didn’t have a rooting interest in any of them. Hell, I’m even in a good enough mood to give Packer and Nantz a free pass simply for having to call that godawful Kentucky-Utah game on Friday night, in which I swear time stopped on four occasions. And, oh-by-the-way, Andrew Bogut is Bogus. I can’t wait till someone takes him with the second pick in the draft – remember Todd Fuller and/or Curtis Borchardt, anyone?

GAME THIRTEEN – Verne Lundquist (13) vs. (8) Gus Johnson

Lundquist was smooth as always over the weekend, his silky voice the perfect complement to our friend Bill Raftery. Raftery and Lundquist are like the two old guys in Secondhand Lions – just crusty enough to be amusing, and just amusing enough that you know they’re a step ahead of you. They work well together, and it was on display in Syracuse.

Side note: Lundquist hails from Lindsborg, Kan., a scant 30 miles from the official home of Mister Faded Glory. Another side note: Lindsborg is known as Little Sweden, right down to the décor of main street, names of avenues, nickname of Bethany College (Fighting Swedes), and home of the Stuge bar. (Pronounced Schtoo-GHEN.) This doesn’t win him any points here.

Gus was up to the challenge during Louisville’s rout of Washington and their comeback win over West Virginia. He even pronounced Louisville correctly – Lou-uh-ville, not looeyville, and was the even-keeled foil to Elmore during game action. He’s just a little witty, which is nice, offering tidbits like “He stops, takes a picture, then pops” when Garcia had a wide open three. And Gus’ hoarse mannish scream in order to accent game action is like a guilty pleasure. This matchup is close to the wire, and may even go to overtime but

OH MY DEAR, JOHNSON TAKES THE LEAD WITH A SECOND LEFT AFTER A THREE BY GARCIA! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS, THIS IS WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT! HE’S KNOWN FOR CALLING UPSET GAMES AND TIGHT ACTION, AND NO EXCEPTION HERE, GUS IS INTO THE FINAL FOUR, AND THEY ARE PARTYING AT WEST 57TH TONIGHT!

GAME FOURTEEN – Bill Raftery (5) vs. Digger Phelps (4)

I’ll say this for Digger. His seemingly-19 straight years of hyping underachiever Channing Frye finally paid off on Thursday and Saturday, as the Arizona senior finally had two superb tournament efforts, looking like the ballyhooed player Digger continually champions. But Digger is going to fall here. And this is why.

The up-and-down North Carolina-Villanova-Wisconsin games were perfect for Raff, especially after he seemed genuinely disgusted with a sloppy Wisconsin/NC State tilt – he was able to use “Send it in, big fella!, Takin’ it – to the tin!” and others from his arsenal several times. The jovial Lundquist gently steered him back into analysis. Bill’s best moment came on Sunday, North Carolina seemingly pushed itself out of reach. I was watching the game amongst the official in-laws of Mr. Faded Glory, about 15 people were in the room, in celebration of Easter. Wisconsin hit a three, and piercing the silence, prompting quizzical stares, hidden smirks, or head-shaking, was Raff –

“Onions!”

And if you have to ask, you don’t know.

GAME FIFTEEN – Clark Kellogg (6) vs. Greg Gumbel (3)

Gumbel also deserves accolades for pronouncing Louisville correctly, but Clark wins. He seemed to be a little too excited when Michigan State beat Duke, properly defending the embattled Big Ten, while simultaneously reminding onlookers that conferences are thrown out during the tournament – but (correctly) simply because a conference has a few gimme wins during a season, doesn’t damn the strength of the teams at the top.

He was passionate about this – a likely reason is that his Big Ten beat cohost Smiling Seth’s alma mater, and he didn’t have to listen to Smartmouthed Seth talk about his favorite team anymore.

GAME SIXTEEN – Billy Packer (2) vs. Len Elmore (7)

Elmore didn’t do too bad. Of course, he wasn’t eviscerating Syracuse just because he hates them. Still, he doesn’t like anyone who doesn’t play post. And, predictably, he doesn’t like anyone who isn’t a good post. He actually works fairly seamlessly with Gus, even smiling on occasion. He is properly tough on players who make bad decisions, which is admirable, considering …

Packer couldn’t go 10 seconds without talking about how great Shelden Williams is. Now, Williams is okay, but he doesn’t deserve a trademark Packer orgasmic yell simply when he charges into the basket. Watching Billy call a Duke game is like listening to Monica Seles play tennis – he grunts, gasps, and moans, in time with close Duke plays, often even during man-on-man contact. Redick charges in, “Oh!”. Williams elbows someone. “Oh!” It’s maddening. And, now that I think about it, a little confusing.

Jim doesn’t help. Nantz feeds Billy’s wanton desire to research and espouse only upon Duke. Nantz no longer calls a game – he simply says “Look at Ewing grab that rebound!” and “Look at Redick, running through screens!” and “Look at Demarcus Nelson, throwing it away.” He’s always ‘Looking at’ something, which gives Billy the chance to jump in with a sunny pronouncement of Duke players’ greatness.

Packer even harmed his own credibility – like many announcers, he is never so profound that he can’t immediately reverse his positions when he is clearly wrong. When Shelden Williams hung on the rim and ejected his own dunk from the basket, Billy maintained it should count, because a ball only has to go through the hoop to be a score. Uh, not so, Billy. But he was just “clarifying for the audience,” prompted (again) by Jim. Still, the officials got it right, according to Billy.

You could almost feel Packer and Nantz turn on the Dukies toward the end – they clearly expected Duke to win, and talked about the Devils like they were jilted lovers as Michigan State wound down the clock. I do empathize with Jim and Billy a little – they did have to suffer through that Kentucky/Utah borefest that made paint drying look riveting.

Note: That was also the game in which Billy pronounced, “Utah sure isn’t counting on Andrew Bogut to be the whole show.” Wrong again, Billy. That’s precisely what they were doing. It’s precisely what they had done all year. And precisely why they lost.

Still, it’s much easier to stomach Packer’s Duke-pimping when the Devils actually lose. Like a B-movie villain, or a Blue Devil, he moves on, although if he proposes to Roy Williams this weekend – he’s in trouble in the Final Four of the heads tournament.

OUR FINAL FOUR:
And it’s a doozy –

(8) Johnson vs. (5) Raftery
(6) Kellogg vs. (2) Packer.

And it’s on. Results later in the week.

So, while this may be the most nondescript and least visually appealing member of the DSV network (5, GP, TE), it is the ONLY guaranteed site on the DSV network where you can find new posts within the last week. And we’ve got much more to come, I promise. Honest.

Links are now updated and to your right, nothing earth-shattering, just the sites that help keep me entertained somewhat during the work week. Still, as I sit here on a Friday, ready to go home — I’m stricken with the kind of malaise that hits you in your mid-20s. Normally I do have a lot of energy (Hey! Stop laughing) , but lately I’m simply sick and tired of just about everything. Some stuff is new, some stuff is old — but lots of it everywhere feels the same — and the staggering sameness (granted, it could be the Midwest) is sometimes disheartening.

To wit:

News – I simply don’t care. This is an issue of federalism on top of personal autonomy, (which may be more troubling, but that’s for another day) and is leading the cycle simply for lack of access to anything else. See DNY for more points of view, which I align myself with. Still, boring.

Sports – So, let me get this straight. We’ve had precisely five good games this whole damn tournament, and tonight I have Duke, North Carolina, and Kentucky all playing — and likely two of the three feature Nantz and Packer? Boring. It’s all been done. And, yes, I love the tournament, but this one sucks. And the season was great up until the tourney. Go figure.

Music. — Lisa Marie Presley is covering Don Henley’s Dirty Laundry. How do things like this happen? Boring.

Books – I’m really struggling to find anything worth reading that I can stick with. Found a good choice here, but lately I’ve been trying to slog through this, and, well, let’s just say I’m at page 40, and I’m done with memoirs forever. I would appreciate recommendations in the comments — I need something, because reading stuff like

More news. — Well, it’s rather tiresome. I don’t profess to treat Newsweek as gospel (interesting choice of words) but each year, like clockwork — they run the same exact cover story. And guess which holiday it coincides with?ow, I’m no genius, but I do believe they are realizing profit on Christian faith, simply to sell a few magazines. And, to ultra-Christians wouldn’t that be somewhat unnerving? Cripes, I get ansty when I feel like Pearl Jam is selling out.

Easter – It’s not an anti-religious stance that fostered this holiday losing it it all for me around the same time I found out the bunny wasn’t real. It just comes every year at the worst possible time. In spring everyone’s busy. Travel, sports, work, you name it. It becomes an empty day in a season I simply have never been able to get myself to enjoy. Plus, there are no days off. Not even today. It’s Good Friday, and I’m in Kansas! Isn’t there supposed to be a parade or something? Side note — in my decidedly non-secular early upbringing, I used to get Flag Day and Good Friday mixed up. And boy, were some of my friends’ parents pissed.

Back next week with the tourney. Keep it real.

We continue on, to determine the quarterfinal players, who have the chance to be evaluated throughout the sweet 16 and elite eight rounds this weekend. Just three more games, announcers, and 12 more, studio folks!

GAME FIVE – Nantz vs. Lundquist

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Where do we begin? Jim Nantz is a personality I remember fondly, from his days as early studio host of the NCAA Tournament, he was solid, if not outstanding. However, as Nantz has grown older, he’s become a pupil of the Dick Enberg school of schmaltz. He’s condescending, he tries to quantify all moments (“This bracket in Syracuse is the toughest ever!” WHO CARES?!?!!) according to their worthiness in sports history. He’s no longer a broadcaster, he’s a salesman.

Jim, we already buy the NFL, the Masters, and the NCAAs, and all in droves. We love the sports. Just call the games. I don’t need to know that Alabama over Stanford is a huge upset, shocking the sequence of the NCAA Scrapbook — I do need to know who made the kick-out pass to Kennedy Winston with 10 seconds left. Lundquist moves on, in a shocking upset. (Billy, we’ve never seen anything like this have we? A truly special moment!)

GAME SIX – Gus Johnson vs Craig Bolerjack

AS TIME WINDS DOWN, DO YOU BELIEVE IT! GUS JOHNSON IS GOING TO EDGE PAST CRAIG BOLERJACK, A DUKE GRAD, IN THE WANING SECONDS! I DON’T BELIEVE IT! HE’S ON TO THE ROUND OF EIGHT! OH, MERCY!

GAME SEVEN – Bill Raftery vs. Jim Spanarkel

Raff is a classic, a crotchety old coach – who isn’t actually crotchety! He’s actually funny, eloquent, and does a good job breaking down the action – and also has his share of catch-phrases: “With the kiss!,” “Send it in, Jerome!” “Mantoman!” Raftery is like a sage, albeit a goofy one, and makes you appreciate and enjoythe game more as you watch. The catchphrases are just okay, but Raff himself is classic.

Spanarkel is a Duke grad whom I always call ‘Jim Spanarkeljockey’ simply because his name is bizarrely similar to “Sparklejockey,” which is a derogatory term invented by my friend’s older brother that I learned in fifth grade and became defunct in high school.

At any rate, Spanarkel is passable, but too often, he’s a cliché for broadcasting, using terms like “Flat out,” “literally,” and the like. He’s okay, not really broadcast poison, but nothing really special. Overmatched here, he falls to Raff.

GAME EIGHT– Digger Phelps vs. Bonnie Bernstein

We’ve discussed Bonnie, and it would be nice if she would simply report, eschewing “fitting in” alongside athletes 15 years her junior.

Digger is a homer, he wasn’t so bad in years past, but has unveiled his Irish roots in the new millennium, championing their NCAA cause as they failed to beat Rutgers, apologizing for hideous losses, taking credit for rare wins, and continuing to remind us that back in 1900 or something, he had a good game or two with the Irish. He doesn’t remind us that he was fired before running the program into the ground.

He has his pet schools and players as well – Texas and Channing Frye, to name a couple – and his faults. His camera presence is okay, but his analysis is mediocre, cliché-ridden, and nothing you couldn’t glean from a banner score on Headline News.

Senior leadership becomes key? Come on, who’s still riding that train? Syracuse and Kansas were loaded with seniors.

Remember in 2003, when a team full of Cuse frosh also beat Kansas, again full of seniors?

Oklahoma State rallied to beat Southern Illinois — and it wasn’t because they put the clamps on defense and Ivan McFarlin was stronger than the Salukis — it was because they were seniors. Ouch.

Digger, like his colleague Katz, also is the kiss of death for several teams – Wake, Cuse, Texas, Florida and (ahem) the IRISH – but he’s moving on here, because, as always, he has more to say.

GAME NINE – Ian Eagle vs. Clark Kellogg

Ian’s a fighter – he’s actually one of CBS’ better NFL broadcasters, but toils during the season’s mediocre games as Phil Simms bombards us with flip-flopping positions, eternally trying to prove himself right. Eagle’s name sounds like a bad soft porn moniker, taken from an 1980s flick about fighter planes.

Ohio State’s Kellogg (Wait – he’s not from Duke?) has long been a voice of reason alongside more bombastic and smug CBS analysts. He genuinely likes college basketball, and doesn’t have the most revolutionary analysis – but he doesn’t say anything completely idiotic, and doesn’t take himself too seriously, and thus moves on.

GAME TEN –Greg Gumbel vs. Seth Davis

The affable Gumbel still stumbles on air occasionally, but does a passable job. I almost punched his head through the TV, when CBS cut to the Syracuse/UVM game with 0.4 seconds left, immediately cut back to him, and he said, “Good enough for ya?”, oblivious to the fact that CBS butchered the in-game switches and hid the Cuse loss from me. You’re right, I’m still bitter.

Still, this matchup is summed up by a statement on-air made by Gumbel about Davis. Bonnie B was talking up NC’s Marvin Williams (“Yo, Marvin and I was like, all tight, ya know?”), relaying an anecdote of Williams removing himself from a high school championship game so that his friend could enjoy a limited appearance. Said Gumbel, “That’s how Seth got here.”

GAME ELEVEN – Len Elmore vs. Mike Gminski

I can’t believe it’s another Duke grad! Gminski is new at this, and wasn’t awful (Think Kareem in first-round games four years ago, that was awful) but Mike wasn’t anything worth remembering.

Elmore seems all right at first, but give him time, he will infuriate you. He is a know-it-all, he hates guards, he hates Syracuse, he hates players today. Why this is, we haven’t a clue, but it exists. I assume he has his reasons for being uppity and bitter, but they are vague to us. Still, Elmore moves on.

GAME TWELVE – Packer vs. Bilas

Bilas is one of my personal favorites, true, but I’m about at the end of my rope, gathering ammunition for Billy. In fact, I may need another weekend of him openly cheering for Duke – Dickie V sounds nonpartisan by comparison – and degrading other teams’ players before I can eviscerate him as he deserves. Billy moves on here, but rest assured, he’s flippin’ awful.

And so, at the conclusion of our tip-off weekend, we see the quarterfinal bracket as follows:

(13) Lundquist vs. (8) Johnson
(5) Raftery vs. (4) Phelps
(6) Kellogg vs. (3) Gumbel
(2) Packer vs. (7) Elmore

Just the one upset to speak of. And even the loser of that would agree that’s a game that will remain forever ensconced in the innocent conscience of a youthful viewing public. Who will advance? We shall see. More later.

As promised, we’re squaring off CBS’ group of inimitable talking heads from Week One of the NCAA tournament. As you breathlessly wait on the edge of your seat for the pairings, let MFG remind you that this is the first bracket of its kind, with the first scathing reproach of all announcers (Well, this side of the now-extinct Tony Kornheiser show and its fantasy head draft) that you won’t find on any sites like ESPN, SI, CBS, etc. Online commentators for Big Sports Media typically are forbidden from raking other networks’ personalities over the coals, thus permeating a status quo that allows Jim Nantz to slip from skilled studio host into wistful banality with no more than a slap on the back. Somewhere, ESPN’s Sports Guy continues to bang his head on his keyboard.

The highest four players selected do have a bye for the first round – Jim Nantz, Billy Packer, Greg Gumbel, and Digger Phelps. A couple of notes – seeds aren’t necessarily the quality of announcer – rather ubiquity during the tournament. Andy Katz and Digger Phelps are invited to the tourney because of their incessant use by ESPN after, during, and before CBS telecasts. Without further ado – the pairings:

Jim Nantz (1) – BYE

Andy Katz (12) vs. Verne Lundquist (13)

Gus Johnson (8) vs. Craig Bolerjack (17)

Bill Raftery (5) vs. Jim Spanarkel (20)

Digger Phelps (4) BYE

Dan Bonner (11) vs. Bonnie Bernstein (14)

Clark Kellogg (6) vs. Ian Eagle (19)

Greg Gumbel (3) BYE

Seth Davis (10) vs. Dick Enberg (15)

Len Elmore (7) vs. Mike Gminski (18)

Billy Packer (2) BYE

Jay Bilas (9) vs. Bob Wenzel (16)

GAME ONE – Andy Katz vs. Verne Lundquist

Katz is a likable enough personality, and has become the lead writer on ESPN.com’s men’s basketball coverage, alongside the talented Pat Forde. Katz, a former Wisconsin Badger, also has plenty of face time throughout the year. He is very knowledgeable, and even a fair reporter – however, Katz’ prognostications are an absolute kiss of death. He forecast national championships for Kentucky in 2003, Stanford in 2004, and Wake Forest this season — and all suffered the curse of thse bold predictions and met early tournament demises. At least Katz refuses to take tournament prediction seriously, often scoffing at himself and continuing to report – his cohort Digger Phelps’ head would explode if you suggested to him Notre Dame might lose or Texas might lose or that Channing Frye sucks – but that’s a different entry.

Lundquist narrowly edges out Katz for his solid telecasts of tourney games, sundrenched voice, and self-depreciating sense of humor. Lundquist sealed this game by commenting (with broadcast partner Bill Raftery) that he would be taping CBS’ Spring Break Shark Attack! when forced to read one of CBS incessant promos for a crappy TV movie. Props for that. Verne moves on.

GAME TWO – Dan Bonner vs. Bonnie Bernstein

Bonnie was a late edition to the pairings – but she does serve as CBS’ lead sideline reporter throughout the tourney, culminating at the Final Four. Backing her up is the ‘Dasani Sideline Report’, which features a zoom-shot onto a coach (on the sideline, get it?), and probably cost Coke 500,000 per mention. Nice sale, CBS.

Dan Bonner (what if he and Bonnie married – Bonnie Bonner?!? Make this happen!) is one of a litany of Duke grads employed by CBS and is fair in his broadcasts — unspectacular, yet solid. Bonnie advances because I still side with her after her Roy Williams interview in 2003 (All that jackass had to do was squelch rumors he was going to UNCat one point during the tournament, and he never did.) in which she asked Roy twice if he was leaving, and an incredulous, blubbering, “aw-shucks” Roy said ‘shit’ on live TV. Please. As Jim Nantz would say – “What a moment! I don’t think we’ve ever seen anything like this, have we, Billy?”

GAME THREE – Seth Davis vs. Dick Enberg.

Davis is a fair writer for SI.com and Sports Illustrated, Enberg is a stomach-churning spewer of schmaltz so thick that Nantz looks like a rookie. Enberg is best noted for his football broadcasts in which he preens alongside the blustery-as-a-rule Dan Dierdorf, offering sugar along with Dan’s spice, and no real insight.

Enberg does have a great voice, but, again, the schlock and drivel that it surrounds are retching. We haven’t yet seen his ‘Dick Enberg’ tournament moments – in which he shines the spotlight on some feel-good story during the tourney that a poor newspaper beat reporter wrote about in November. Just wait, it’s coming.

Take note, Davis is another Duke grad – and he wins here because of his utter, inexplicable self-assuredness when commenting on games. He’s not bombastic—he’s that pest in high school who tried to be funny, didn’t have any friends, wasn’t good at basketball (yet never quit the team) and went to Duke precisely to root for their basketball team. And now he laughs at you, smugly. The little bastard.

GAME FOUR – Jay Bilas vs. Bob Wenzel
Two more Duke grads round out the first round. Bilas is a likable fellow, he generally offers sound, lucid assessments and insight that stems from being a Division I player, albeit 20 years ago. Bilas even gets away with gushing over Coach K, if only because he offers up insider tidbits and details of Coach K’s game plans.

Bilas is smart, he graduated from law school, and is talented – although it seems lately as if he’s fallen into the trap of blatant pronoucements, trying to be too right, short, quick, and loud. His gift was lucidity and understatement, and he should not spout off as if he’s Dick Vitale.

Wenzel is also a Duke grad. (Notice a pattern with CBS?) However, he falls here, for the simple fact (first noted on one of MFG’s favorites) that he is a first-round announcer only. He had only eight teams to learn about, before Friday’s action tipped off. And he didn’t bother to learn how to pronounce one of the teams’ (Bucknell’s) nicknames. It’s Bison, not BYE-SAWN. Disgusting.

Well, guess what, that’s the first round. Next up, on Wednesday — the second round!

Well, we’re through to the Monday. If you’ve noticed by careful review of my earlier work, then you’ve no doubt noticed that I am firmly entrenched in the worst showing of NCAA-tournament-related-gambling in my life. There’s no real explanation, suffice it to say I am kicking myself for evaluating which teams I liked and didn’t like a few weeks ago – and then inexplicably reversing course on every single team on the list.

The NCAA tourney opening weekend is a great high if you love basketball — but is a complete downer once you get back to Monday morning. Plenty of good games to come, but not the wall-to-wall blitz that exists during the first four days. And we all come crashing down with it. Three-quarters of fans’ teams are gone, and it’s an empty feeling until the games on Thursday night. This always happens — even if there’s a few games that people will talk about for years to come.

Predictably, columnists everywhere pop up and trash their pools, picks, and decry college basketball, wondering how much better the tournament would be if LeBron, Carmelo, Shaun Livingston, Dwight Howard, etc., etc., were involved, but that’s meaningless. The NBA has suffered as well, and therefore, both leagues are what they are. That said, this tournament has been remarkably bad — few opening round games to speak of, too many 12-point sluggish near blowouts, and subpar tourney coverage. The play isn’t that great, but, it’s better than in some years past.

So, instead of opining about which teams I think will make the final four — haven’t a damn clue — instead, I’m going to relax, root for all upsets, and review CBS’ entire college basketball coverage, through a comprehensive ranking of all announcers involved. No one else has done it, to my knowledge, and with our propensity for lists and rankings here at MFG to satisfy our frustrated and cynical appetites, we’ll post the rankings tomorrow — and with a twist — a tournament bracket of talking heads! The 16 most notable from CBS square off against one another! Suffice it to say Billy Packer may not make it out of the first round, not after openly opining for Duke to win yesterday. Swear to god, thought he and J.J. Redick were dating.

More later. See you soon.

By now, you must have realized not to listen to any advice I cheerfully exhort when penning brackets. All that stuff went out the window for me last night, about 8:15 p.m. central time.

Each team except one has to end their season with a loss. It’s tough – no matter if it’s the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, or final round. What’s tough is to accept that a season — and some careers — are over.

Syracuse had a good year. Not a great year, a good one. They were Big East Champs, even virtually the same team as last season. Hakim Warrick becomes one of the greatest Orangemen of all time, and Josh Pace will be sorely missed. But they were, as I said before, a team of role players, and they needed to operate at their peak to win. Last night, they did not, facing a team that was dangerous — that did exactly what they wanted. Vermont played their best, sloooowed the game down, (a nuisance for an Orange team that struggled with methodical teams) and forced the Orange to run set plays. Luck played a part, shooting played a part, turnovers played a part, everyone played a part. Even karma played a part. How about the bad karma? Tom Brennan’s last game. Vermont’s at home. No big upsets until Friday night. It still sucks, but, it’s not the first time this has happened, and it won’t be the last.

What does suck, is CBS’ regional feed. I saw nary a minute of the second half of the game, save overtime. Instead, during the last three minutes of OT, CBS stuck with UNI-Wisconsin in the closing minutes of their game – a five-point free-throw fest that featured commercials, fouls, and officials checking replays as the clocks in all the other games clicked down.

As the clock in the real-time scoreboard clicked down to zero, I screamed furiously, and furtively. I didn’t even get to see the last game. The loss I can deal with. Not seeing it, I cannot. Normally CBS gets a good grade from me — but they failed last night. Awful, awful, coverage. I’m ordering Direct TV today, though I can’t afford it, I won’t go through this again.

In a fitting epilogue to the night, I was reminded, that Syracuse wasn’t the only goat. You see, I reside far away from the Northeast, and in central Kansas. So I doubt I will be hearing much more about Syracuse today.

As far as first days of the NCAA Tournament go, this one was — shall we say, less-than-stellar. It almost always feels like CBS is still working the kinks out, there’s a little unfamiliarity between teams and uncertainty about game plans, etc. The whole package — from participants to audiences to media — feels a little raw. However, often a Butler, a George Mason a Coppin State, or a Hampton spring up and kick-start the game flow into high gear. Alas, this didn’t happen yesterday.

Friday generally feels better — smoother, faster, and we’ll all be (hopefully) dulled on Spring Break Shark Attack Starring The OC’s Shannon Lucio promos, teams will either strive to be UWM or avoid being Alabama, and the action will be more entertaining. We can only hope, because yesterday was, well, a snoozer. I may as well be back in 1997 or 1998 (The only reason Bryce Drew’s shot seems to linger after 1998 is because the rest of the tourney was so brutally awful.). A few quick thoughts, on a day I went 10-6. Not very good — but only two Sweet 16 picks stumbled. And for those of you who went 15-1 or 16-0 or 14-2, well, congrats on picking no upsets but one. You may win the battle, I’ll catch up and win the war.

DO NOT predict based on past success in tournaments years ago. It is not a reliable predictor. Which makes me scratch my head over two of my other picks — Conn and Cuse. Each year is a clean slate. As much as you want to pick Iowa over Cincy because of Bob Huggins, well, I guess it’s not preordained that he’ll lose an upset each year. (He may beat Kentucky this season…)

If you’ve been combing the web looking for semi-coherent ramblings about an entire NCAA bracket pick sheet and its logic, well, look no further. As promised, here’s what I picked, why I picked them, and how.

I should, of course, just recuse myself entirely when I feel good about a particular Syracuse team. I’m unsure of the karma, and, indeed, I’ve been so worried about their slate this season, I haven’t developed a world of confidence in any other teams. Add to that, this bracket seems more mixed up than years past, that a team I loved as a dark horse Final Four contender as a 2- or 3- seed (Washington) is now a team I don’t feel good about in the least. The teams I like are matching up against one another. And teams I don’t like – well, they have a seemingly clear path. (Oklahoma, I’m looking at you.) The most muddling is Villanova – whom I would love to pick as a sleeper Elite Eight team – matched up in the first round against New Mexico – a surefire 12-seed I was dying to pick a week ago as a Sweet 16 team. Augh!

So, as we go through my bracket (apologies for the Joe-like format, but I’ve actually ruminated too long and hard over mine) I can’t help feeling that this is like 1995 – a clear favorite (Illini/UCLA), a reloaded runner-up discounted defending champ (UConn/Arkansas) and everyone else. We’ll see. In 1995 I did poorly, too. It also seems like 2003 – in which I did poorly, but, well, I was battling karma and succeeded. (Cuse wins). Here goes.

Midwest Region (Chicago)
Like Syracuse in 2003, never underestimate a road close to home. You’ll hear a lot about it. Illinois has got the swagger, mojo, and talent to win out here. Check it out:

Illinois cruises.

Nevada tops a Texas team that shouldn’t even be in the tourney. Half the ‘Horns team is ineligible, and they’ve been mediocre all season. Just like football. Just like the Big 12.

I like Wisconsin-Milwaukee, but Bama should beat this 12-seed and all-around great guy Bruce Pearl (eep). Boston College tops Penn (isn’t this an in-season rematch? Wasn’t the committee supposed to avoid those? And BC won by one, for those of you keeping track. If it actually happened.)

LSU over UAB (don’t care), and I want to pick Utah State, but I’ll take Arizona.

Saint Mary’s over SIU (lowest ratings of the tourney), and Oklahoma State cruises.

Illinois runs past Nevada, ‘Bama outshines an unathletic and grotesquely overrated BC team.

Arizona tops LSU (again, don’t care), and Oklahoma State wins a surprisingly close game against Saint Mary’s College. I like this ‘Pokes team.

I like Illinois (playing in Chicago, remember?) to stave off a hungry Alabama team, and to defeat Oklahoma State in a great regional final, after the Cowboys dispatch feisty (sometimes) Arizona.

Again, I like these four teams a lot in the sweet sixteen – and I wouldn’t hesitate to pick OSU in any other region as a Final Four squad.

These four schools harken back to the 2000 tourney — when the regional semifinals of (1) Michigan State vs. (4) Syracuse and (2)Iowa State vs. (6) UCLA pitted the four best teams in the country. Easily. (Remember the regional final of Purdue vs. Wisconsin? Yeesh, I tried to claw my eyes out.)

West Region (Albuquerque)

Washington into the second round, where they’ll face Pacific, who tops struggling Pittsburgh in a slugfest. I expect Pitt to be a game team — even after being rerouted through South Dakota or some hellish trip (they did a walk-through in an airplane hangar) but their NCAA showings in recent past preclude me from picking them to slog past athletic UOP. (Ha! I should have just marked UOP on my bracket, and gotten credit for either team winning.)

My upset-lock of the tourney is George Washington over Georgia Tech. That’s right. In about two weeks Tech has gone from a struggling bubble team into a few folks’ chic Final Four pick. Don’t be fooled.
The Wreck is all right, but they’re not quite last year’s team. GW is just as athletic – and Tech’s Jarrett Jack, BJ Elder, and Will Bynum are playing a little hurt – and Luke Schenscher is playing slow. Trust me on this, I feel good about it. (Yikes )

And, if you need to see it, we do have precedent here. In 1992 No. 4 GA Tech rolled from bubble-status to ACC champs, then promptly was waxed by 13-seed GW. And the Colonials had these nightmarish pinstriped warmups, which were awesome. Can some rapper bring those back?)

Louisville barely beats ULL, and Texas Tech – groan – tops a young UCLA team.

I hate picking Bob Knight’s teams in the tourney. He’s past his prime, and is like a baseball moneyball disciple – his teams can put together good regular season runs – but they get confused in the tourney. Too many intangibles that they fail to account for. But I think they beat UCLA, an enigmatic team whose best days are down the road.

I know, I know, Tech finished second in the Big 12. So, of course, they even look all right. But, one caveat — Do not be afraid to go against conference tourney success or failure, unless you see a team you know has turned a corner (Syracuse) or is playing way out of sorts (Boston College).

Anyway, Gonzaga (no longer a mid-major, right?) wins its first-round game, though I dislike picking them, also. Creighton and West Virginia play to a near standstill, with the Blue Jays facing off against Wake in the second round, and losing.

Shocker number 2 – Pacific outslugs Washington, and wins 180-177. I like Pacific as an 8, and I don’t like Washington as a 1. Which is strange, because, see above, I do love Washington as a team, I just don’t care for this draw. Put them in Duke’s bracket as a 2, and I’ve got them facing Illinois all the way in the finals.

By the way, bad karma surrounds the Huskies — ESPN is following them around, with normally intrepid reporters asking them softball questions like how they feel about protecting the one-seed. Please. No player or team cares about seeds. After Sunday night, it’s game prep. Too much of the Kool-Aid in Bristol, as usual. Anyway, UW’s coach is mugging for the cameras, acting the hard-ass role in televised practices — the bad karma here is overpowering. Sad, because the Huskies are great fun to watch.

Louisville ends GW’s ride, Gonzaga beats (groan) Tech (by the way, that’s a game I hate. Both teams could easily be first-round victims. In any other year.), and the Zags end up in the Sweet Sixteen facing off against Wake, who has not played good yet, but will advance regardless. (Note – I didn’t say irregardless, which is not a word.)

Regionals

Lousville and Wake face off in a good Elite Eight matchup, which Wake wins. Guard play is one of the constants I look at, and with Chris Paul and Justin Gray, Wake’s got it.

If a team has an all-world guard (ex. Wake) against a team with an all-world post (ex. Utah), then take the guard squad anytime. Though Wake could be in trouble if Paul somehow struggles, I like their depth, I like their ability to score, and I like their coach. Rebounding be damned, I guess – but somehow, they face no real size or strength from posts or defense all the way through this regional. How about that?

East (Syracuse) region

I think North Carolina’s all right, but that’s about it. I do however, grow weary of everyone’s desire to believe Roy Williams is a shitty tourney coach, even though he’s been to a bunch of Final Fours. It’s like Jim Boeheim before him. Rick Pitino before him. Lute Olson before him. Even Coach K. And Eddie Sutton currently. It’s tough to win a tourney — let alone be a repeat Final Four team. There are much more variables, intangibles, karma, luck, whatever that go into any tourney run — and so if a coach is as successful as Roy, then that success shouldn’t burden him.

Yet these coaches are anointed with bullshit stigmas when they are so successful, that Final Four success is expected immediately and repeatedly, variables be damned. So I won’t ever be precluded from picking a Roy Williams team because he’s the coach — that’s ludicrous. And what would we be saying about Roy and Jim Boeheim if Nick Collison or Jeff Graves could shoot a free throw? Their roles would be totally reversed within the media eye. (Off soapbox).

I like UNC, just not for the Final Four. I think they’re a year away – for whatever reason, they’ve never quite meshed – whither Roy or not.

Iowa State beats Minnesota in a total schizo game, Nova shoots down a game Lobos squad, and Florida (speaking of mediocre teams in down conferences that everyone all of a sudden inexplicably loooves) moves on.

UNI upsets the Badgers (The Panthers are pissed after hearing too much of Dickie V pissing on them, talking up a sluggish Notre Dame squad. Yep, that’s my logic. Yep, I’m a quasi-homer.)

An enigmatic Kansas team also moves on (For crying out loud, how does KU always draw the Patriot League winner? Look it up. By the way – if Utah State were here, I’d pick an upset in a heartbeat.)

Julius Hodge State University tears up his last game against Charlotte (great career, seriously) and UConn rolls.

UNC and Nova move on, Kansas and UConn move on. No real surprises here. Except Nova beats the Gators by 70.

UNC and UConn win tough ones over Villanova and Kansas, respectively, to face off in the Elite Eight. Like Arkansas in 1995, the champs, somehow, refuse to go down.

I think UConn wins a narrow one over Roy’s boys. Sean May will return, Rashad McCants won’t, and the Heels will be better next season. But, nonetheless, UConn will be back in the Final Four. By the way, Marcus Williams and Rudy Gay are shockingly good. That’s what makes the Huskies go.

South (Austin)

I don’t like this region. The two teams I like at all out of here may face off in the second round. About two minutes ago I had Utah in the Final Eight, now I’ve got them losing to UTEP. Awful, awful bracket. I should be thrilled about the Orange chances, hell, the Hawkeye chances – but the Cuse’s first games are tough.

I’ve got faith – and Syracuse is also 2-0 in tournaments this year, winning both at the Garden. Don’t underestimate that, as it is irrevocably irrelevant.

Duke wins early. Their second round game against either a piece-of-shit Stanford team or piece-of-shit Miss. State team will undoubtedly be shown en masse at 11 a.m. to the entire country on Saturday morning, as is written by law. How does this happen every year? We all hate Duke! They always get the cupcake 8-9 teams! And we’re forced to stomach a 117-33 bloodbath in the second round with no alternative games. I’m not even picking a winner between Stanford and MSU. What garbage.

I guess Michigan State beats Old Dominion, though the game will be good.

Syracuse narrowly edges out Vermont, because if the ‘Cuse win, they narrowly edge out someone. It’s nervewracking. They’ve had one blowout in the last 30 years, on Thursday against Rutgers. Anyway, the game AT VERMONT will be tough. Thanks, committee.

UTEP beats Utah, because Utah is one-dimensional.

Oklahoma beats Niagara (Wow! Think of the intrastate matchup if Cuse had gotten the Number-3 seed it deserved, and faced Niagara! Oh, the committee doesn’t do that? Too bad. Well, on to Eastern Kentucky vs. Kentucky. Waaaiiiit.…).

Kentucky (stay away from this team) wins early, and I like Iowa over Cincy. Iowa has beaten some good teams and is playing well, and Cincy is not. Plus I’m a homer, remember? The Cyclones won, too!

Duke cruises to face Syracuse, and Oklahoma (sigh) wins, ready to face Iowa.

Yes, I’m picking the Hawkeyes to beat a Kentucky team I consider immensely overrated. (See: 2003 tourney, 2004 tourney, and rule no. 7 above.). I’m also deciding this season to embrace my personal biases, as you’ll see as this region progresses.

Note – actual analysis: Syracuse at Michigan State will be a great game. Michigan State is somewhat erratic, but against the 2-3 zone Chris Hill and Alan Anderson should keep them in the game. Syracuse has improved in rebounding in the last couple of weeks, which neutralizes a perceived MSU advantage. Gerry McNamara and Josh Pace will cause all kinds of matchup problems for the Spartans, who do not have a true point guard. And, lastly, I’m not betting against Hakim Warrick. He was unbelievable in New York.

Regionals

Okay, so ‘Cuse beats Duke. I like them in this matchup, too, I’ve been praying for their inclusion into the Duke regional since early January – they match up well against the Devils.

Add to that, in each year, no matter how good Duke is, I never pick them past the Sweet Sixteen. It is too much fun to root against Duke. I can’t handle hoping they win, just to gain me four points.

I do look smart sometimes, like in 2002, when they lost to an Indiana team that inexplicably made the Final two. (Of course, I had them going down to USC, which was upset. I’m babbling.) The lesson? Duke sucks, and if you pick them, so do you.

As much as I’d like to pick Iowa past Oklahoma, it would be just too much fun to see Kelvin Sampson methodically discard his Wal-Mart suit as he sweats gallons of water, scratching his head as his team cannot figure out a freaking zone defense against Syracuse in the regional finals. Plus, I’ve discussed the Syracuse v. Iowa armageddon problem before. Anyway, Cuse over the Sooners in the Regional finals. Some orange team has to win in Austin.

Whew! And now the

.
I like Illinois to face UConn, after beating Wake, and after the Huskies top the Cuse (sigh) again.

I’ve liked this matchup for about 8 weeks now. It’s too bad that I can’t pick Oklahoma State or Washington to reach the Final Four, because the bracket would look much cleaner. And, yes, I like Illinois at 38-1.

In any case, that’s why I picked who I picked. Some teams going deep that I don’t like (Oklahoma, Wake), and some teams dropping off early that I do (Washington, Michigan State).

And, each year, I tell myself, this is it. I’m only doing one pool, one set of picks. Well, as of now I’m in 7. Could it be a disease? Probably? Anyway, these picks aren’t binding, if I’m wrong, it’s because I’ve been on a good year-bad year pattern since 1990 (Evens are good), and this is an odd year. Meh.

And, lastly, enjoy the games. That’s what these are. Too often I see people watching and rooting only for who they picked. I hate this, though I catch myself doing it. Get caught in the flow, veg in front of the TV, adopt a few favorite squads (Nova, Iowa State, Iowa, Pacific, Washington, Okla. State, UNI) in addition to your lifeblood (Syracuse) and nemeses (Duke, UConn, Kentucky, Oklahoma, BC, Texas Tech). It’s March Gladness, people. Check back for updates – I don’t have the access or time that really allow me a viable blog on the tourney, but I’ll check in and out. Go Cuse.