Mister Faded Glory | misterfadedglory.com

Everybody can relax, because I received the Nirvana box set for Christmas. It’s good so far, and it’s worth the price of admission just for the demo of ‘Here She Comes Now,’ but that’s a post for another day.

In other news, you may have noticed it’s Christmas. Right now Kobe and Shaq are engaged in a fistfight on the TV (oh, wait, sorry ESPN, they’re not).

In other, other news, this is the second year in a row and the third out of the last five in which I haven’t been home for Christmas. Never easy, but I’m unexpectedly making a bittersweet trip back to Iowa tomorrow. My grandmother was recently diagnosed with cancer of the liver, and, in short, it’s too late, with only a stunning little bit of time left.

I’m not going to bore you with a long, drawn-out reminiscence of her personality and personal history. Suffice it to say, she meant a lot to me, she was extremely intelligent, grounded, and even had a keen worldview.

Her wit, outlook, and values were and still are very similar to mine. She was always an inspiration and I will be extremely saddened to lose her. In any case, that’s Christmas this year — perhaps a little added meaning, but not without a little twinge, knot, or full-on gut-punch to the stomach.

And to sum up, I’m proud to be her grandson. So have a good one with your families, whether it’s XMas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Ramadan, or just a get-together, because that is, to me, what it’s all about. Your family and friends. And since I’m bordering on sentimental, I’m going to try an end with a shocking course-change in post before signing off for the trip, which should assert my continued irreverence and cynicism.

Today I turned on the TV and TBS is running its dreadful Christmas Story marathon. Now I don’t know which is more hip, to claim that the Xmas Story is wistfully cool, or to hate it. I hate it. Especially in marathon form.
However, not to be outdone, FX has decided to inflict upon us a Jingle All the Way marathon, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and possibly Sinbad. Don’t even know where to go with this. Clearly a case of programming execs sitting around a Dec. 23 meeting, saying:

Exec 1: Well, we could go with Rescue Me as a marathon.
Exec 2: Marathons are easy.
Chimp on Roller skates: Why would we toss out our own shows in marathon form? It’s Christmas, and we’re critical darlings. No one’s watching anyway.
Exec 1: Agreed. What Christmas movie is the cheapest?
Exec 2: Well, Piggly Wiggly has Jingle All the Way for $1.99 or The Santa Clause for $2.99.
Chimp: Who are the stars?
Exec 2: Arnold Schwarzenegger is in Jingle All the Way and Tim Allen is in The Santa Clause.
Exec 1: Better get Jingle all the Way. Tim Allen is the janitor here.

(is this thing on?)

Well, it’s the day before Christmas Eve, which, in my humble opinion, is the real holiday, anyway.

Don’t have much to write, except an apology to both of my readers that I’ve neglected to post with any regularity. Unfortunately, the official job of Mister Faded Glory has been swamping and oppressive lately. (?) Instead of this faux, cynicism-rampant, little-better-than-sarcasm, usually list-driven blog, I’ve been focusing my creative efforts on my novel (note: Not titled The Official Novel of Mister Faded Glory, but considered.) and on The Simpsons:Season Five, which I highly recommend. (The DVD, not the novel.)

So, I’m going to spare everyone any more holiday wishes, forgoing that for one, just one, minuscule rant.

If you’re like me, and the winter quarter is a blitz of holidays upon holidays (My birthday … Dad’s birthday …. Mom’s birthday …. Thanksgiving …. Brother’s birthday …. Parents’ anniversary …. Christmas …. My anniversary), you do a lot of shopping for greeting cards.

Now, I know it’s far from macho or masculine to admit that I enjoy shopping for greeting cards, but I do. It interests me to see any kind of design work done well — or poorly — and also, I’m satisfied when I stumble upon one that accurately expresses my thoughts. Maybe it’s the faux-graphic-designer in me, or the mediocre bard. Whichever, I enjoy it.

So, when, pray tell, did all greeting card companies decide that it was no longer necessary to leave any sentiment to one’s imagination? When? Each card I open up features only a glued-on double-paper thing (sorry for the bad description) with line after line after line of schlock and drivel and meaningless banter, usually totaling a short novel or a soliloquy, whichever is longer. And, to top it off, it’s always in a terrible, unreadable font.

I can handle lame designs and overdone gold scripts on the fronts, that’s fine. But I don’t need to tell my mother that a butterfly sings every time she breathes on ther birthday. I don’t need to tell my brother An eagle crows whenever you dare to soar higher… and I certainly don’t need to go on and on and on about the meaning of my first anniversary as it pertains to Jesus, birds singing, waterfalls interlocking and kittens cooing.

For crying out loud, I can handle the expression of my sentiment myself. Because that’s just it. It’s mine. I may need help, but I don’t need a complete and total mind-revision. I just like a little thoughtfulness and perspective, and professional design to top it off, that’s it. I don’t need a sonnet, I need a catch-phrase.

But there are none. Except for cards with kittens (Felix Navidad!) or puppies (Happy Bark-ukkah!), every greeting card I open up features a lengthy, syrupy message. Is this how far we’ve fallen as a society? As writers? As expressionists? Am I so starved for time that I need to depend on Hallmark or Blue Mountain or Maxine to express each and every sentiment that I might have the capacity to feel? I don’t need that, and no one else should, either. Should they?

At any rate, I consider myself a fairly good writer, and somewhat effective at expressing myself, so the whole phenomenon is disheartening to see. On the plus side, if you made it this far into my post, you would — no doubt – encourage me to look at this trend in a different light …

Perhaps long-winded nonsense writers are en vogue. Hmmm….. is there a market for cards with excessive italics?

Have a good Christmas, and for crying out loud, if someone tells you ‘Merry Christmas,’ they mean it. Don’t expect or require a rhyming soliloquy. Likewise, if you’re dishing out wishes, keep ‘em simple. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Anniversary, etc.

Have a good one.

Well, don’t call me a complainer, but I’ve been swamped this week, and have neglected any and all posts. However, you may have caught the bombs dropped on other sites, namely here and here. I’m like a bad penny, I always turn up.

Anyway, here’s some other poignant and hilarious observations from the week that was (Is this thing on?!?):

Sign at a Mexican restaurant in central Kansas:
WED KIDS EAT FREE.

So, you just have to pretend your kids are married, and they get free meals? What about adult kids? Must they be married to each other? Eww…

Check out the latest Newsweek for the site: queryletters.blogspot.com. I can’t believe the celluloid would-be classic Deerly Beloved didn’t make the greenlight in Hollywood! If you haven’t read about it, you may find it on the site. Suffice it to say a fiancée (Sandra Bullock) loses her engagement ring around the antler of a deer (Mr. T) and her beau (Craig Kilborn) must find it. And, of course, hilarity ensues! (Note: not real cast. Just in my nightmares.

An official pen pal of Mister Faded Glory was discussing the glory days of the NBA slam dunk competition, particularly the one-dimensional entries of Shawn Kemp.

MFG: All Kemp ever did was that same stupid dunk, the toss under his arm, catch, slam.
OPP: Yeah, but Kemp had legit hops. And he was 6’10″. Like ‘Nique ever had any dunks. Plus, Kemp tossed it behind either arm.
MFG: Yeah, he’s ambiKempsterous.

The Simpsons offered a classic line, too… In a ludicrous recent episode, Bart begins making and selling T-shirts. Marge approves of his first, and says: “That’s funny, as funny as the joke I saw on one at the mall: Support the Troops!”

And finally, as a piece of advice, no matter the news you get, no matter how elated that this (February 8, 2005) may make you …

Never, ever, ever, never tell your wife that the DVD release of Night Court is one of the top ten moments of your life, no questions asked. Just don’t do it. And if you do tell her, don’t proceed to argue your case.

I’ll be here all week. Till later.

It’s almost too depressing to craft an entire post about the sad state of playoff-starved college football. So, here is an email exchange excerpt that pretty much says it all. Names changed to protect the innocent. Hint: You’ll have to read from the bottom up. Disclaimer: Sarcasm rampant. Yes, I know it’s the lowest form of humor. Until later….

>>From �Mr. Faded Glory� MFG@mfg.com>>

The presidents don’t want to “extend” the season. Hmm. OK, so they like the payout big schools get from early season boring games, they like the payout from Thursday games, they like the unfair slope big schools sit atop, over smaller schools. They like that, but they don’t think a revenue-shared playoff would generate the same cash for their schools? Right. NCAA basketball has certainly proven that. I guess that’s why they’re academics, and not businessmen.

The games would interfere with finals. Since (a) Most of these players aren’t going to graduate (b) Take finals at their whim (c) Miss five/six days of class for Thursday games, award ceremonies, etc. (d) Simply serve as employees of an institution, not students — I don’t think that argument holds water.

The system can be rectified with a plus-one game after. You’re right, that solves it all. Because the BCS always can successfully boil the season down into the top 4 teams. No conceivable hiccup could ever occur. So, then, who would Utah play?

Bowls have tradition. Please. And College football is the only sport in any country, on any level, that decides its championships on paper. Nice freaking tradition. Who really cares whether the Sun Bowl is played or not?

Bowls make money. For big schools. And how would a playoff not make more? HOW? HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW?

What infuriates me is the constant changes to the BCS, at first they had a “strength of schedule” component that unfairly inflated the value of Big 12 opponents, rewarding Oklahoma and Texas and K-State each season, with all schools teeing up against patsies early in the year.

This year, they eliminate the controversial “strength of schedule” component, but the Big 12 is so, so, so, so bad, that the lack of an SOS component ends up inflating the slate AGAIN, because no one gets points taken off for, say, drubbing a shitty Colorado team in the championship game. I hate the Big 12.

It just kills me that this is what we’re back to. After 1994, when everyone was crying about how Nebraska, Penn State, and FSU were beating the living shit out of teams trying to impress voters, when everyone said it reeked of bad sportsmanship and a new system was necessary, well, this is what we’re back to.

Pundits wondering if a game against So. Miss on the road qualifies as a win? A should-have-lost against Kansas apparently counting for more than two late touchdowns at Oregon…. Rivalry games apparently immune to said scrutiny … A polling system that sets an uphill climb for all schools but a select five or six — ONLY because of the continued use of ridiculous preseason polls. And Lee Corso changing his mind on national TV, saying in the last game of the season Oklahoma proved they were better than Auburn, because a pounding of 7-5 Colorado is apparently worth more than a pounding of a Tennessee rival that will be top-5 next season.

It’s all worthless.

College basketball tonight, Orange v. Orange (SU versus Okie State), that’s where it’s at.

>>> From “X, Mr.” 12/07/04 10:07AM >>>

>>> “X, Mr.” 11/29/04 10:33AM >>>
I’ll have to pass on the fiesta bowl. Thanks for the offer. Good god, how bad is the Big East, or the Big 12 for that matter? Trev Alberts said the first thing that I’ve ever agreed with the other day. He said that the Big East should give their bid to Louisville since they’re coming to the league next year. I could live with that, they’re pretty darn good. Actually, he said 2 things that I agreed with. They were talking about ISU choking, and Reece Davis was going on and on and on. Trev stopped him and simply said, “Reece, that’s why they’re Iowa State.” Awesome. Nothing like kicking them while they’re down. That poor kicker. I feel bad for him. Seriously, I do.

Hey
Do you want to get tickets for the Fiesta Bowl, to watch Syracuse play some team that’s WAAAAYY better than they are? Good god. I was complaining all week last week that Dan McCarney would march into the Big 12 championship game, thereby saving his job, and now, the ghostly visage of the coach-formerly-known-as Paul Pasqualoni has done the same thing by possibly navigating a crummy Orange team into a bowl. Cripes, they lost to Temple.
Of course, maybe Iowa State will finally learn to recruit a kicker. Doesn’t this always kill them? Not that you care, but it’s got to be maddening to some.

As mentioned yesterday on a friendly site to MFG, and as further mentioned yesterday in this space, today I undertake a challenge which has been contemplated before.

Throughout my existence I have often mulled over the inclusion of certain songs in my personal soundtrack, often shifting as I weave through life. Some remain constant, some change often, yet the attempt to craft some workable music replication of my existence remains.

However, today, I contemplate not a soundtrack, but a simple, cheap, mix-disc of songs that shake me from the inside-out whenever I hear them, for your reading pleasure. I’ve even given the disc a title, however, I’m unable to link to mp3s, wavs or wmfs of the songs, simply because I do not have the time, nor do I have any of the music on my work computer’s files, and that’s how I’m livin’. So here goes:

Disc of Rock that will paint me as hopelessly non-music elitist and ultimately unaware of musicians’ skill or prowess, and also probably completely mainstream, none of which I care, because this disc rocks so.

1. Pure, Helmet. This is the leadoff track of Helmet’s third disc, and the song’s power is, well, you see the title. Whenever I’ve needed a boost of adrenaline, this song provides it.

2. Lounge Act, Nirvana. Often overlooked in Nirvana’s crowded discography, this continues to be my favorite song by the trio, intermittently haunting and angry.

3. I Don’t Want to Know, Goo Goo Dolls. I don’t want to know why the only decent Fleetwood Mac songs are the ones re-crafted by other acts. I also don’t want to know why I like every single song the Goo Goo Dolls turn out. I guess they’re a guilty pleasure.

4. Cantspeak, Danzig. Is Glenn the scariest man alive or just faking it? This song supposes the former. By the way, we’ve taken quite a turn, right? Goo Goo Dolls into Danzig? Is Venom next?

5. Grey Flap, Pist.On. Never has a band taken such a sudden and drastic turn into obscurity. If you remember these guys, you obviously lived nearby Cedar Falls’ 107.9 in 1997. While I think the ridiculous band name may have doomed them, the CD also may have, because – save for this song – it was terrible. These guys are now probably a Korn cover band somewhere.

6. H, Tool. I think this is my favorite Tool song. I almost went with Cold and Ugly, or Swamp Song, or Undertow, or Lateralus, but H is vintage Tool. Thoughtful, depressing, infuriating, motivating, seamless. Slow yet hard.

7. Ruby Soho, Rancid. Destination unknown, Ruby, Ruby, Ruby Ruby So-ho… See, this song has me so worked up that I’m typing as I sing. Aloud. In my cubicle.

8. Porch – Live from MTV Unplugged, Pearl Jam. The best version of the best song by the best band of all time. I will not argue about this.

9. Somebody to Shove, Soul Asylum. If you bought Grave Dancers Union thinking the rest of the album would amaze just as this song – we were wrong, weren’t we?

10. Stardog Champion, Mother Love Bone. If you know me at all, you expect to see this on any compilation with my stamp. Start chanting now, Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na-naaa…
To think this song started to take its roots during my short-lived radio show on Simpson’s KSTM FM. I saw it on a compilation disc which the station owned (“The best of pre-grunge?”) and put it in, as we were trying to get fired.
I was hooked. My co-host was disgusted. At any rate, we then threw in Smashing Pumpkins’ interminable Pistachio Medley, and went home to booze while it finished out our show’s time. Onto more glam…..

11. Dead Horse, Guns N’Roses. Yeah, the Gunners are overcelebrated, overrated, and their stable of FM radio cuts is enough to sicken even the deepest pop metal devotee – but this song’s genius is in its plaintive wail at the beginning, devolving into a killer rock tune. And, they start acoustic – and then you hear them plug in before going electric! Unbelievably clever, right?

12. Ain’t No Fun (If the Homies Can’t Have None), Snoop Doggy Dogg. Back in my early days of short-lived devotion to Chronic-era Dre and Snoop, I bought Doggystyle, which I was disappointed with. Except for this funkdafied song, which features erstwhile members of Snoop’s posse (?) and Nate Dogg. Trust me, it’s a classic. (“Guess who’s back in the m*******kin house, with a fat ___ fo’ yo’ m*******kin mouth?“)

13. Got Me Wrong, Alice In Chains. True story: I heard this song for the first time in 1995 and instantly proclaimed it my favorite song of all time. Jerry and Layne’s voices mingle with perfection, the melody is unbeatable, the band is at its absolute apex before its drug-ridden fall, and it’s in Clerks. May not actually be my favorite song, but it’s certainly in the discussion.

14. Rush, Big Audio Dynamite II. This song manages to sample Baba O’Riley amidst bits of pieces of other British acts, and manages to make almost zero sense. It’s the perfect song for drinking in celebratory reminiscence. Which is how I may always spend a good chunk of my life … don’t we all?

That’s it, that’s the list. For now. I welcome questions and comments, and, remember, I am no authority on music, I’m still just a grunge-obsessed teenager at heart.

And for members of Jane’s Addiction, Mother Love Bone, Soundgarden, Cinderella, Tesla and Smashing Pumpkins who may be reading this (snort), sorry for the omissions of Three Days, Crown of Thorns (Namesake of this very site), The Day I Tried to Live, Gypsy Road, Little Suzi and Mayonaise…. Maybe on Disc 2?

…believe I’ve been called out for not posting by the King of Hiatus. Well, not much here, although a new post, inspired by music, coming soon, although, here’s what’s going through the brain right now: (in list form, of course)

1. Notre Dame needs to join a conference, because acts like this are just despicable. Why does all media apologize for them?
2. Carlos Beltran, No. 15, CF, Chicago Cubs.
3. Hey, anybody who’s buying, THIS is the mother of all Christmas gifts I’ve ever requested. Just a small hint.

See you soon.