Mister Faded Glory | www.misterfadedglory.com

At long last, we have another column written by me in the form of a list, the most tried and true column gimmick in all media.

However, this list is a particularly ambitious one. Here at Mr. Faded Glory, we have rarely, if ever, been continually happy with our surroundings. Whether it is snobbish-Connecticut types, tree-hugging graduate students, ultra-religified student council members or right-wing conservative backwoodsmen, we can always find the ability to complain about the folks that share the same space.

One blatant stereotype of Americans continually pops up to frustrate, the redneck/hayseed/country bumpkin/dimwitted/faux-patriotic person. Throughout the travels of Mr. Faded Glory – particularly in several Midwestern states – and particularly particularly in the current headquarters of MFG, these narrow-minded brethren keep popping up.

Commonly referred to as the “hick,” each state has some propensity for producing lazy, uninformed, unintelligent, close-minded, arrogant, dumb, and generally reprehensible folk, lacking any sort of “street smarts,” preferring subconsciously to play the fool or tool.

In interest of saving space, (scroll down and snicker) and in interest of generic ease, I’ll eschew defining redneck, hayseed, Kansan, etc., in favor of the more general “hick.” That many times these folk hail from the countryside is perhaps a happy coincidence.

So, without further ado (too late, I know), here is the grand list, each state ranked in order of said propensity for hick inhabitants. Yes, I have belabored the point that one need not be a country bumpkin in order to be considered a hick – but I will occasionally refer to that stereotype for list purposes. The irony is just freaking delicious. Lowest to highest. Enjoy!

1. Hawaii. Not surprisingly, America’s top resort is filled with the least amount of hicks. Idiot tourists, yes. Sleazy hotel promoters, yes. Cheesy entertainers, yes. Remember, a vacation for a hick is a NASCAR race shown on network TV.
2. Alaska. Not sure I want to debate whether or not an igloo signifies a hick, but Northern Exposure was sure a quirky show.
3. Connecticut. Too much yuppie spillover. You couldn’t find an American car here, let alone a pickup with a gunrack.
4. Arizona. No one is from Arizona. Everyone is a transplant from their own (presumably) godforsaken states.
5. Rhode Island. Too small. But check out those houses in Newport.
6. New Jersey. Again, it’s filled with mobsters and toxic waste, suburbia and turnpikes, but it’s the blue-collar cousin of Connecticut. Angry tri-state residents don’t really fit this list’s purpose, rather, they deserve their own separate list, (drum roll) … the FBI’s ten most wanted! Ha! I kill me!
7. Maine. A very pretty state, with lots of vacation homes and beautiful scenery. Loses points when those yokels – the Bushies – show up for six-month vacations.
8. North Dakota. Seriously, who lives here?
9. Nevada. Gamblers and tourists. Again – idiots, yes. Hicks, no.
10. Massachusetts. If these were ranked in order of “most difficult state to drive in,” this would rank a wicked numbah freakin’ one.
11. Virginia. Some tobacco farmers, some southerners. Still, more informed and pleasant than its western cousin. See below. Way below.
12. Illinois. If the Cubs didn’t play here, White Sox fans alone would drive this state down into the mid-40s.
13. Oregon. Portland is the blueprint for fighting urban sprawl. Eugene is a, ahem, green dream.
14. California. A playground for the rich that includes anyone’s evil du jour, including gangbangers, B-movie stars, vapid plastic surgery candidates, and ex-Austrian governors — yet not necessarily a stable for hayseeds.
15. Florida. The old and the stupid.
16. Maryland. How does Maryland get off so easy?
17. Louisiana. The assumption of French culture saves this state. Because, after all, it does have culture. Mardi Gras may be filled with loud, idiot, heathens, but, c’mon, it’s Mardi Gras. And by the way, there’s nothing that screams idiot/hick/overdone like making insidious, dirty-’fraidy-cat-French jokes.
18. Washington. The birthplace of grunge rock and Mecca of self-congratulatory coolness is also home to a former restaurant cook I used to manage, who regularly wore the same clothes and was also regularly ensconced in the county jail. Not a shining example for the husky state.
19. Ohio. High in the middle, and round on both ends. This is an underrated state, although after you’ve paid nearly $875.46 in tollbooth fares, you may not think so.
20. Minnesota. I’ve always been a fan of Minnesota, after all, I have the accent. (Minn: “GRAM-muh.” Kan.: “GRAY-und-maw.”)
21. New Mexico. You’re wondering if there’s any established criteria for this list. Nope.
22. Colorado. Often viewed as a liberal paradise, it has more than its share of potato farmers, military dropouts and dude ranches.
23. Idaho. Remember those potato farmers? And, no, Mister Easterner, it’s not the corn state.
24. South Dakota. Country radio stations only, between Sioux Falls and … well, what the hell is on the other side of the state? Mount Rushmore?
25. New York. We know. You think it should be lower. Well, then visit Brewster. Jeffersonville. Patterson. Go on, try it. They don’t even have running water north of Albany.
26. Iowa. Right smack in the middle of the heartland, Iowa often suffers from the unflattering, hayseed stereotype. After all, who else produces more corn? But when your educational system is second to none, your kids are constantly the smartest, and your university is arguably a top-five school nationwide – you’re not quite a hick haven, which explains its surprisingly high ranking. And, no, it’s not the potato state.
27. Delaware. Again, it’s this high for a lack of discernible size. Which doesn’t hide the fact that there is nothing here save a good D-II football team.
28. Tennessee. Are you sensing a swing into the stereotyped ‘good ole boys’ states? You’re not? Then I’m not accurately conveying that this is the home of Dollywood, Elvis and country music.
29. North Carolina. Goes bonkers for NASCAR. If horse racing is the sport of kings, than surely NASCAR is the sport of rednecks. Wait, it’s not a sport. Wait, I’m babbling.
30. Wisconsin. Where kids put Pabst on their cereal.
31. Indiana. You wouldn’t think it rates this low, with urban Indianapolis and pristine South Bend. You wouldn’t think so, with Terre Haute – home of federal executions and Columbia House music. But if you’ve ever been here, well, you know. The accents alone will slay you. Side note: They are too proud to go on Daylight Savings Time. They switch between Eastern and Central. Now that you know that, what will you do?
32. Arkansas. I almost went to school as a Razorback, but everyone on campus said “y’all” all the time.
33. Pennsylvania. Featuring the longest godforsaken cross-state drive in the universe. I know there are several states larger in area than Pennsylvania. Try driving across this monstrosity. It’s awful. It’s the longest. Trust me.
34. Michigan. Union City. Look it up.
35. Georgia. Still smarting from that Civil War defeat.
36. New Hampshire. Gets really pumped, because of the primary for two months every four years, then it’s back to mesh trucker hats. Wait, those are cool now? Dammit.
37. Kansas. In many ways, it deserves to be the midpoint of America. Because it’s like a drain, where the worst people funnel in from the outside – from the relentless cowboys in Dodge City, to the intense blackness of flat prairie, to the dregs of Coffeyville, to various ultraconservative folk, your free-thinking ideals are not safe here, smack in the middle of the Bible Belt. Culture must be intensively sought, to be found. Of course, negative stereotypes do plague this state, but Kansas still smarts most because of its unending desire to promote creationism as law, theory, fact, whatever – to promote it as undisputable. Yikes.
38. Vermont. The way you can tell Vermont from New Hampshire, is because the state looks like a “V.” And Vermont begins with “V.”
39. Kentucky. I know, how could the Bluegrass State be considered a hick paradise? Weird.
40. Alabama. I do like some things about this state, like the way legendary football announcer Keith Jackson pronounces “Ahl – Uh – BAM – Uh,” slowly and regally.
41. South Carolina. Brother-and-sister marriage capital of the world. Yes, I made that up.
42. Utah. Bigamists, people. You all forget, or at least look away disgusted.
43. Wyoming. You’ve seen movie scenes, where a stray tumbleweed will roll across a barren landscape. That image should be Wyoming’s state flag.
44. Mississippi. The River is described as majestic, yet it appropriately flows downward into a gathering pile of waste, known as a delta. That’s Mississippi.
45. Oklahoma. As is a theme with some of these Midwestern states, a common football team seems to unite them. Here, however, OU’s fight song is only two words long, designed so that even the most drunken dirt-stained yokel can remember it. It purports to rhyme, too!
46. Missouri. Kansas is lower on the list because an Overland Park fan is less likely to go home and beat his wife after a Chiefs loss than an KCMO fan. Worst roads in the country. And if you’re going to argue that St. Louis saves it, you’re absolutely wrong. A city that features the Cardinals doesn’t even register on the radar. Also the home of Busch and Budweiser beer. Yes, both can be refreshing. Yes, both are headaches in a can. No, neither are classy.
47. Montana. At least you can drive 80 mph, while on your way to a militia rally. And you’re safe, because no one can see you in that camouflage F150!
48. Nebraska. Like Kansas and Oklahoma, yet somehow, it is invariably worse. Closeminded, ultra-religious capital of America. These hayseeds are so backwards that the state tree is the telephone pole. Really, the only decent parts of Nebraska closely border Iowa. So, pretty much, Omaha is in Iowa. And pretty much, there’s nothing else here.
49. Texas. The biggest, baddest, don’t-mess-with-us, redneck state of them all. The home of our “aw-shucks” president, and a microcosm of all negative social policy issues in America today. Like what, you ask? Ah, this column is already too long. Best to put on a ten-gallon hat and ride into the sunset. On an armadillo, of course.
50. West Virginia. Just close your eyes. And picture West Va. What do you think of? Moonshine? Accents? Prohibition? Coal? Yep, it’s got it all. A dirty mix of the redneck south, the conservative, farming Midwest, the Amish, miners, and colonial misfits, West Virginia is perhaps the most diverse of all stereotypically hick states. And shouldn’t that count for something?

Well, there you have it. Please remember, this is not a scientific list, just an attempt to poke fun at each state’s general stereotypes. There are good, smart, decent people in all states, truly, and I hope that none are offended by this post. Stereotypes, in my opinion, do exist for a reason, and that reason is to poke fun at the STEREOTYPE ITSELF, which is never completely descriptive of any state’s true nature. I don’t have any point or further commentary, in an attempt to be well-liked yet intensely trivial and opinionated, I’m already beginning to backtrack.